Creepy Joe Says The Darnedest Things

Creepy female-fondler, proven plagiarist, and perennial failed presidential candidate Joe Biden announced he will cure cancer if he wins the presidency. Well jeez, we all gotta vote for him now, right?

Joe Biden told an audience in Ottumwa, Iowa Tuesday that his White House would “cure” cancer should he beat President Trump in 2020.

“I’ve worked so hard in my career, that I promise you, if I’m elected president you’re gonna see single most important thing that changes America, we’re gonna cure cancer,” Biden said to applause.

During his stint as vice president, Biden oversaw the “Cancer Moonshot” initiative of the Obama administration.

Uh-huh. I’m sure Biden “oversaw” the initiative like I “oversee” the construction of the Texas Rangers’ new stadium. Besides, the only moonshot Slow Joe knows is the one where you pull down your pants.

Believe. All. Women.

You may find this difficult to believe, but the former Vice-President of the United States is actually a creepy, lecherous degenerate who routinely preys on women.

After decades of misconduct, the 2014 Democratic nominee for lieutenant governor of Nevada – Lucy Flores – has come forward with her story.

I found my way to the holding room for the speakers, where everyone was chatting, taking photos, and getting ready to speak to the hundreds of voters in the audience. Just before the speeches, we were ushered to the side of the stage where we were lined up by order of introduction. As I was taking deep breaths and preparing myself to make my case to the crowd, I felt two hands on my shoulders. I froze. “Why is the vice-president of the United States touching me?”

I felt him get closer to me from behind. He leaned further in and inhaled my hair. I was mortified. I thought to myself, “I didn’t wash my hair today and the vice-president of the United States is smelling it. And also, what in the actual fuck? Why is the vice-president of the United States smelling my hair?” He proceeded to plant a big slow kiss on the back of my head. My brain couldn’t process what was happening. I was embarrassed. I was shocked. I was confused. There is a Spanish saying, “tragame tierra,” it means, “earth, swallow me whole.” I couldn’t move and I couldn’t say anything. I wanted nothing more than to get Biden away from me. My name was called and I was never happier to get on stage in front of an audience.

Now if I recall, the Brett Kavanaugh hearings taught us we need to believe all women, so I fully expect Joe Biden will withdraw his candidacy for President, and slink into obscurity forever more.