True Detective Stories

So Sunday was a joy to behold. We started with a body floating in the creek, which had been in the creek for days. Diego the idiot Detective had to get a search warrant for a firearms arrest, and one of our better detectives called out sick. Diego then asked Salma Hayek if she would show a photo array to one of Diego’s victims.

That’s when everything went to hell.

Diego ran out of the building as quickly as possible, probably because he knew he completely screwed up the photo array. In our department, you need to show six photos; no more, no less. Diego gave Salma five large photos, and one small photo – that photo was of the offender. Not prejudicial there, amirite?

Strike one…

True Detective Stories

Today’s True Detective Stories profile the dumbest two detectives in my squad: Fat Albert and Diego the Idiot Detective. I’ll start with Diego, because his story is funnier than Fat Albert’s.

So amazingly, Diego had a jury trial yesterday. When you’re listed for a jury trial, you want to dress appropriately. You don’t have to wear a suit, but a decent polo shirt and clean khakis will do the trick.

Diego, being a fashion icon, wore khaki pants and a white-ish shirt. I say that because I saw the photos my coworkers sent me. Diego was wearing a white polo which was covered with grungy spots – probably leftover food – and it was entirely too tight. His stomach looked much larger than normal – if that’s possible – and he looked like he slept in the outfit.

The ADA met with the detectives and called everyone up to the stand… except Diego. Hmm, I wonder if the spilled food spots had anything to do with it?

True Detective Stories

So Friday was a fairly busy day. We handled twenty-five jobs, and most of them were domestic assaults and frauds. However, Diego the Idiot Detective received a domestic robbery. The victim claimed her boyfriend beat her up, took her iPhone, car keys and her Cadillac; effectively a robbery/carjacking.

The city has been dealing with a carjacking problem since January 1st. The thugs are pointing weapons at drivers, tossing them to the street, and taking the vehicles. Since it’s a serious problem, all carjackings need a White Paper – a synopsis of the incident and the offender’s information, if possible.

When Diego found out he was getting the job, he started to whine like a little bitch; because he is a little (fat) bitch. I told him he got the report because he was the only detective who did not receive a job on Thursday, so he was up first.

About two hours later, he walks up to my desk and claims he was called down to court. I asked him how that was possible, because he had no cases listed Must Be Tried. Also, Diego has been caught numerous times lying about ADAs calling him downtown. He gave me the name of the ADA and the room number, so I said I would notify the supervisor…

True Detective Stories

Despite the occasional – or regular – bitch posts on some of my True Detective Stories, we actually have a lot of fun at work. When you work with people who truly understand how awful and stressful the job can be, it’s easier to get through a day of murders, robberies, and aggravated assaults.

Salma Hayek, for example, is our version of The Love Boat’s Julie the Cruise Director. With the exception of myself, all the detectives’ desks are in cubicles, and when a holiday comes around, Salma goes hog wild. She decorates her cubicle with anything and everything to celebrate the holiday.

She also brought in a six-foot Christmas tree in December, and decorated it to the fullest. It really stood out amid the dirt and grime of the division.

Anyway, yesterday she outdid herself. Right around Christmastime, Diego the Idiot Detective came to work wearing a “Festivus for the Rest of Us” t-shirt over his work shirt. Diego is a tad – read: very – portly, so he looked even more ridiculous than normal. Salma, sensing a chance to screw with Diego, took a photo of him with his t-shirt…

True Detective Stories

There are few more odious humans than Diego the Idiot Detective. The man is a morbidly obese pustule lying on the back of our division. Diego is stupid, inconsiderate, has no self-awareness, and is a world class dullard.

But you already know that.

Diego had court on Tuesday – it was another Must Be Tried case, so he likely screwed up his paperwork – and he knew we were very short. We had four detectives, and we were moderately busy. It wasn’t a nightmare, but we could have used a few more detectives.

When you arrive to court, you are supposed to log in. Diego, being special, rarely does unless he is ordered to by a supervisor. The benefit of Diego not clocking in means no one really knows where he is. He may be in court, or in a specific courtroom, and if he doesn’t clock in, we’ll never no. I believe that’s why this prick pulled his stunt Tuesday…

True Detective Stories

So Sunday night was a blast. We had four detectives on the floor, no shooting teams, and no domestic teams. The Eagles were playing – and lost, which was hilarious – and we were in the middle of a snowstorm. Naturally, we assumed it would be a slow evening, and for the most part, it was.

Sure, we had our bouts of idiocy, like the jackass who noticed his gun was “missing” on Saturday, but didn’t decide to come to the division until the snowstorm was in full bloom. When he arrived here we had snow on the ground and ice on the roads, but whatever. If he wants to wreck his car, who am I to stop him?

Anyway, we got a call from one of the districts for a report of a commercial robbery. Five black males entered the Popeye’s restaurant, pulled out handguns, and took an unknown amount of money before fleeing the scene. Sadly, Diego the Idiot Detective was up for the job…

True Detective Stories

So last night was my final day of work in 2021. Christmas vacation begins today, which is great because last night sucked copious amounts of ass.

The day began when an off-duty supervisor decided to drive around the division looking for crimes to solve. Mind you, this dolt was on his day off, but he’s one of those super cops who thinks he’s going to save the world. He was investigating the theft of an ATM from the previous evening, and decided he found one of the people responsible for the theft. There was actually no evidence of this, but hey, since he’s a boss he could just send them to us.

Last night we had five detectives on the floor. Before this supervisor’s shenanigans, we already had a firearms arrest, a domestic assault where a pistol was involved, a stolen gun report, and a commercial robbery. The supervisor wanted us to drop all these actual jobs, and work solely on his nonsense. Thankfully, we avoided that, and one of the detectives interviewed this woman.

After a quick interview, we left the woman in the interrogation room as we waited for the officers to take her back downstairs. When the detective opened the door, the woman had her pants around her ankles, and she urinated all over the floor. While the other detectives were screaming at her for being an animal, my job was to break out the mop.

I mean, if you haven’t mopped up adult urine, have you ever really lived?

In the meantime, Diego the Idiot Detective had the gun-pointing domestic assault. Instead of taking the interview and helping us with the dozens of real jobs we had piling up, he spent his entire evening working on this one insignificant assignment. There wasn’t even any proof there was a gun involved; it was all hearsay. But hey, Diego gonna Diego.

The rest of the evening was a blur. We handled two more firearms arrests, a stolen U-Haul truck which was filled with dozens of computers, a couple domestic incidents and a robbery or two. Most of which were from one district – the worst district in the city – and the district with the dumbest police officers by far. Most of these clowns make Diego look like a MENSA candidate.

Oh well, at least the next two weeks will be fun. No idiot cops, no stupid phone questions, and no Diego.

True Detective Stories

Allow me to regale you with a story about my good friend Diego. Obviously, Diego is not good, not a friend, and not named Diego in real life. He is, however, a pustule on the rear end of humanity.

One of the first things I do when I walk into work is check the court notice queue. Our Soros-installed DA has been sending unnecessary court notices to detectives, so they are stuck downtown all day instead or working on cases. It’s been their plan all along; if there are no cops or detectives working, chaos will reign.

Anyway, Diego the Idiot Detective receives court notices almost every day, and they are usually cited as “Must Be Tried”(MBT). We assume he gets so many notices because he’s a screw-up, and he needs to appear in person to explain his idiocy. Anyway, he had two court notices Friday morning. One was for a stolen auto – which was not MBT – and another was a gun arrest, which was MBT.

I always check Diego’s notices because he uses the occasion to stay downtown all tour so he doesn’t have to actually work. When I checked the gun notice, I noticed something rather strange. Diego received the notice on August 24th, but the notice was canceled on October 20th. By this time it was 7:15am, and Diego still wasn’t in the office…

True Detective Stories

I. Hate. This. Mother. F**ker.

So Tuesday night was an enthralling experience. Halfway through the tour, the generator crashed, which in turn, crashed all our computers. Those working on assignments had their screens wiped, and the Deskman crashed. Because the captain’s aide was gone for the day, I was unable to enter the rest of the jobs for the tour.

Thanks to our slipshod internet, I had to enter all those jobs Wednesday, in addition to the incoming jobs. I was furious because 1. the captain’s aide still refuses to give me a key to her office – which would allow me to reboot the Deskman – and 2. because I had to play catch-up Wednesday evening.

All of that eventually went by the wayside, after Diego the Idiot Detective decided to start acting like a galactic jackass…

True Detective Stories

Monday was a banner day for Diego the Idiot Detective, as his two or three neurons were firing less frequently than normal.

Dummy came in late – which is the norm – and spent the first hour watching ESPN to catch up on his NFL scores. About an hour into the shift, I had the absolute pleasure of assigning him to a shooting incident. The police arrived as a call for gunshots, and several spent casings were littered on the ground. No one was struck, but an unoccupied vehicle was shot thirteen times.

The job should have taken fifteen minutes to process. Pick up the shell casings, take a few photos, and boom you’re done. Diego took two and a half hours.

When he returned, naturally the sergeant asked what took him so long. For reasons unknown, this dullard called the owner of the vehicle and had him come out to the scene. The problem there was the man lived on the other side of the city, and it took a good hour for him to arrive.

Hey douchebag, you have officers on the scene. Call the owner, have one cop wait with the vehicle, and get back to work!

When Diego returned to the division, he had to post a white paper. All this dope had to do was enter the control numbers, write up the story, and send it to the sergeant for approval. The problem is Diego is usually watching TV or listening to the radio while he’s writing a white paper, so the errors are frequent.

To give you an idea, Diego got the date wrong, got the location wrong, mixed up the control number, did not enter the name of the victim, did not identify the caliber of the shell casings, and had multiple spelling errors. After the sixth correction, the sergeant yelled for Diego to sit next to him, because he was tired of calling him to the front every two minutes.

This is not a very difficult job. If you have even a modicum of common sense, you could be a superstar in this department. Diego decided to walk a different path.

1,115 days.