True Detective Stories

I’d like to start by apologizing for this post, because it is yet another episode concerning Diego the Idiot Detective. I’m on night shift this week and next, and since Diego’s first day was yesterday, he immediately whined about his first of the evening.

You see, the jackass cops in our division made three arrests Tuesday night, and all three of the jobs were never brought to the division until Wednesday afternoon. In short, all three of these arrests needed to be processed Tuesday, but the lazy morons we work with didn’t bother to bring in any paperwork.

When my captain, who is a great guy, BTW, asked about the jobs, he looked at me like I was joking. “No boss, I’m not joking.”

So I had to assign all of these jobs because these offenders were in a cell downtown for twenty-four hours without any arrest paperwork. That’s a problem. I gave a job to little Joey, another to The Red Menace, and the last one to Diego. Guess who was the only one complaining?

I ignored Diego’s whining, gave him the job, and told him if he wanted to cry, go tell the captain. But that’s not the main reason for this post…

True Detective Stories

There are very few people I despise more than Diego the Idiot Detective. F. Joe Biden is one, the entirety of the Philadelphia Eagles are another, and the Antifa/BLM contingent. Other than that, Diego is right up there.

Saturday morning was another day of being short-staffed. One detective was on vacation and two others had to work the ridiculous Gun Buy Back initiative, where people bring 100-year old rusted hulks of firearms to receive a gift card. Thanks to the gun buy back, we had four detectives on the floor. Well, three, because Diego is not a real detective.

At about 9am, Diego comes to the front of the room and tells me and the sergeant he has to check a CVS Pharmacy for video of a shoplifting incident where the offender took maybe $20 worth of items. He then said he had to take evidence downtown afterward. The sergeant – an old-timer – said, “You don’t need video for the CVS because the D.A. won’t prosecute it.” As Diego was about to open his mouth, the sergeant said, “Take the evidence downtown, and be back here immediately, since we’re so short.”

Diego agreed, but we all knew better.

You see, this fat piece of garbage works very hard to get out of work. He’ll say he needs to go somewhere, then returns hours later. So, when he was about to leave the building, I said, “I am NOT skipping you. If you have a job, it’s going to be your job, and I’m not having one of our coworkers do it for you.”

We started placing bets, and I said he wouldn’t return until 1pm; an hour before we’re closed. The others guessed noon, but even I thought they didn’t really believe that. I did, however, walk back at 11:30 to let them know he was already gone for two and a half hours… and counting.

Diego officially returned a few minutes before noon… three hours later.

True Detective Stories

So, I effectively had four days off these past few days. I took a vacation day Thursday, and had CPR training Friday.

When I arrived there were a few jobs waiting for me, including a robbery from Thursday.

As I checked the list, our favorite defective was up first. That’s right, Diego the Idiot Detective received the robbery report, and when he walked by my desk, he whined like a little bitch.

“How is this my job?” he asked.
“Because you were the last detective with an arrest.”

“No I wasn’t!”
(Shows Diego the list from the previous day.)
“Oh, I guess I did have the last arrest.”

Meanwhile, I received a few texts from the Red Menace while I was at CPR. Apparently the air conditioning died – again – and the city placed some portable air conditioners in our building. The problem was they forgot the tubes which push the hot air through the windows. So, the a/c was effectively useless.

Enter Diego.

Diego apparently turned on the air conditioner anyway, knowing it would blast hot air in the division, and the Red Menace said it rose the temperature to 95 degrees. Everyone – including the supervisor – told this dullard to turn off the a/c, but Diego refused. Suffice to say, he is being ignored this week.

True Detective Stories

Well, if you looked at the photo, you would know this episode of TDS centers solely around Diego the Idiot Detective. There are always other players to spotlight, but at the end of the day, few are dumber than this MENSA member.

Sunday evening was fantastic. We expected to be slaughtered with jobs, but for the most part it was a quiet evening. I knew at the time that Monday would be a nightmare, and told the squad we were going to get killed. Sadly, that came true.

I had entered twenty-plus jobs before 6pm, and was quickly assigning jobs to my coworkers. At one point, it was Diego’s turn, and as luck would have it, his job was a stolen gun.

(For the record, the city doesn’t force you to report a stolen gun anymore, because I assume they want more murders here, and because it’s easier for the thugs to kill each other.)

I drop the paperwork of at Diego’s desk, and he starts whining like a little beyotch. “Aww, really?” I responded with, “This is your first job of the night, and you’re not doing anything now anyway.” Diego gave me a nasty look when he walked by my desk, and I thought it was hilarious. It also precipitated his second assignment.

About two hours later, another stolen gun job came in, and guess who was up for it? Diego. Again. I couldn’t have planned this better if I wanted to, but it was his turn on the wheel. The cop was being annoying when he dropped of the report, so I told him to take it back to Diego.

A moment later, The Red Menace sent me a text from the floor and said, “Diego’s really pissed.” I replied with a smiley face. Look, if Diego was even pretending to be working, I may have been merciful, but he was sitting at his desk, his shoes on the tabletop, and watching YouTube. So no, you get no favors because you’re a pathetic bum.

True Detective Stories

Well, it’s been a while since I put out a True Detective Story, and after my first day back, I already have a Diego story.

So Friday night was awful. We had four detectives and toward the end of the tour we were stuck with a shooting incident, an overdose death, and a domestic shooting. The Red Menace and Salma Hayek were busy working jobs, so I asked the lieutenant for advice. He said to Diego could take the case, and he went on the floor to ask him.

Here’s where it gets to Diego-level idiocy.

You see, Diego didn’t want to work overtime Friday evening, so he told the Lieutenant something hilarious and idiotic. “I’m pretty sure I have court tomorrow morning.”

The lieutenant stopped in his tracks, and asked him to repeat what he said. Diego did so, and the rest of us stopped in our tracks.

Before I could open my mouth, the lieutenant replied, “Diego, tomorrow is Saturday. There is no court on weekends.” He is, by far, the dumbest person I have ever known.

True Detective Stories

In the course of my 333 True Detective Stories, few people have been profiled and reviled more than Diego the Idiot Detective. For good reason.

On Wednesday morning, Diego was bragging that he was getting a search warrant for a man who threatened people with a handgun. Diego made it seem as he was going to kick in the door, alone, grab the offender, and be awarded the Medal of Honor. Diego omitted the fact our SWAT team handles these search warrants, and Diego will be sitting outside the entire time.

Anyway, Diego spent most of his Wednesday preparing the search warrant, and took it down to the magistrate for it to be approved. Diego returns to the division, give it to the supervisor for approval, and when the sergeant looks it over, it’s rife with errors. Many, many errors.

Search warrants are important, and the facts need to be rock solid. It’s also a good idea to type the search warrant – than say, handwrite the warrant – especially if you, like Diego, can barely write in cursive. Some of Diego’s narrative was unreadable, and at best, difficult to follow.

The handwriting was the least of Diego’s problems. To wit…

1. As I mentioned previously, Diego used a pen to handwrite the facts and the narrative, which is always a no-no.
2. Diego wrote the wrong address on the search warrant, which was twenty blocks away from the actual residence.
3. Diego had the magistrate approve a search warrant rife with errors, and wanted to just ignore it.
4. And finally, Diego misspelled his own last name, which he used a pen to turn an “n” into a “m.”

This clown is, by far, the dumbest person I have ever known.

True Detective Stories

So the summer is approaching which means we are even shorter than we usually are. Tuesday night was a nightmare, as one detective was on military leave, the Red Menace started her summer vacation, and Fat Albert called off sick… again. So my squad consisted of four detectives… well, three.

You see, Diego the Idiot Detective “volunteered” to ride around the city with detectives from another jurisdiction. They needed a Philadelphia search warrant, and this was Diego’s chance to skip out of work.

Our supervisor told Diego to be in at 1pm, so he could get the search warrants done before our tour began. Diego, being the jagoff he is, showed up at 2:30pm. He then spent a half hour talking to these bumpkin detectives before going out on the street. Our tour starts at 3pm, and he walked out of the building at 3:15pm.

In the meantime, we were hit with a robbery, a stolen gun, and a few domestic assaults. All three detectives on the floor were working real, legitimate jobs, while Diego was driving around the city, probably stuffing his gullet with donuts…

True Detective Stories

Ladies and gentlemen, grab a seat and lean back as I tell you a tale. It’s a tale about a police detective with a double-digit IQ, who believes he is smarter than the average bear.

His name is Diego.

Friday night was very busy, and after our eight-hour tour, we had entered twenty-nine jobs, including a gun arrest, two commercial burglaries, a robbery, a homicide, and a shooting incident. The latter being the subject of this post.

A group of young men were inside a residence and playing with a pistol. At one point, one of the men pointed the gun at his head. The other guys told him to be careful, in case the firearm was loaded. The man then pulled the trigger, and shot himself in the head. The man was pronounced dead.

The Homicide Unit would not take the job, and the Shooting Incident Team also refused to take it. So, as always, if fell upon us. I looked at the book, and sadly, Diego the Idiot Detective was up for the job. I told my supervisor, and after he rolled his eyes, he approved it…

True Detective Stories

While Diego is a connoisseur of all things food – and it shows – he rarely ever brings in food for the squad. Most of us bring in foodstuffs at one time or another – Salma Hayek LOVES Mrs. Earp’s brownies – but Diego usually eats instead of brings.

That all changed on Wednesday, our first day back on night work.

Diego walks in with a giant tray of pretzel bites from the Philly Soft Pretzel Company. Their soft pretzels are to die for, so everyone was excited. I was busy early on, so I walked to the kitchen an hour or so after dummy brought in the food. This is what it looked like…

You may not be able to tell, but the pretzel bites were stale, and all the salt was melted off. I’m ninety-percent sure he brought in day-old pretzels.

I mentioned this to Salma and the Red Menace, and they didn’t believe me. Both walked back to the kitchen, stared at the pretzels, and Salma said, “Eww.” By the end of the night, the only person who touched these things were Diego.

True Detective Stories

Sunday evening wasn’t too terrible, considering how awful Sundays are in Philadelphia. We had a good amount of jobs, but none of them were really newsworthy.

Take Diego the idiot Detective’s first job. One of the officers in our building brought in a domestic assault. The woman was struck by her boyfriend, but there was no arrest. So basically, Dummy only had to take a short interview with the victim, then usher her out of the office. It should have been a ten-minute job, tops.

But this is Diego we’re talking about.

The officer waited for the victim, so he could transport her home. After about twenty minutes, Diego still wasn’t finished his interview, and the officer asked, “How long do his interviews last?” I responded, “Depends. If sports is on the TV, it’s five minutes. If not, a good half hour.” The officer rolled his eyes, and he was right to do so…