True Detective Stories

Allow me to regale you with a story about my good friend Diego. Obviously, Diego is not good, not a friend, and not named Diego in real life. He is, however, a pustule on the rear end of humanity.

One of the first things I do when I walk into work is check the court notice queue. Our Soros-installed DA has been sending unnecessary court notices to detectives, so they are stuck downtown all day instead or working on cases. It’s been their plan all along; if there are no cops or detectives working, chaos will reign.

Anyway, Diego the Idiot Detective receives court notices almost every day, and they are usually cited as “Must Be Tried”(MBT). We assume he gets so many notices because he’s a screw-up, and he needs to appear in person to explain his idiocy. Anyway, he had two court notices Friday morning. One was for a stolen auto – which was not MBT – and another was a gun arrest, which was MBT.

I always check Diego’s notices because he uses the occasion to stay downtown all tour so he doesn’t have to actually work. When I checked the gun notice, I noticed something rather strange. Diego received the notice on August 24th, but the notice was canceled on October 20th. By this time it was 7:15am, and Diego still wasn’t in the office…

True Detective Stories

I. Hate. This. Mother. F**ker.

So Tuesday night was an enthralling experience. Halfway through the tour, the generator crashed, which in turn, crashed all our computers. Those working on assignments had their screens wiped, and the Deskman crashed. Because the captain’s aide was gone for the day, I was unable to enter the rest of the jobs for the tour.

Thanks to our slipshod internet, I had to enter all those jobs Wednesday, in addition to the incoming jobs. I was furious because 1. the captain’s aide still refuses to give me a key to her office – which would allow me to reboot the Deskman – and 2. because I had to play catch-up Wednesday evening.

All of that eventually went by the wayside, after Diego the Idiot Detective decided to start acting like a galactic jackass…

True Detective Stories

Monday was a banner day for Diego the Idiot Detective, as his two or three neurons were firing less frequently than normal.

Dummy came in late – which is the norm – and spent the first hour watching ESPN to catch up on his NFL scores. About an hour into the shift, I had the absolute pleasure of assigning him to a shooting incident. The police arrived as a call for gunshots, and several spent casings were littered on the ground. No one was struck, but an unoccupied vehicle was shot thirteen times.

The job should have taken fifteen minutes to process. Pick up the shell casings, take a few photos, and boom you’re done. Diego took two and a half hours.

When he returned, naturally the sergeant asked what took him so long. For reasons unknown, this dullard called the owner of the vehicle and had him come out to the scene. The problem there was the man lived on the other side of the city, and it took a good hour for him to arrive.

Hey douchebag, you have officers on the scene. Call the owner, have one cop wait with the vehicle, and get back to work!

When Diego returned to the division, he had to post a white paper. All this dope had to do was enter the control numbers, write up the story, and send it to the sergeant for approval. The problem is Diego is usually watching TV or listening to the radio while he’s writing a white paper, so the errors are frequent.

To give you an idea, Diego got the date wrong, got the location wrong, mixed up the control number, did not enter the name of the victim, did not identify the caliber of the shell casings, and had multiple spelling errors. After the sixth correction, the sergeant yelled for Diego to sit next to him, because he was tired of calling him to the front every two minutes.

This is not a very difficult job. If you have even a modicum of common sense, you could be a superstar in this department. Diego decided to walk a different path.

1,115 days.

True Detective Stories

So the other day we received a stolen gun report. We get a few of them every day, and approximately seventy-five percent of them are either dullards who forgot where they placed their firearm, or people make straw purchases.

Straw purchases are used to describe people who purchase a firearm, then sell said firearm to someone who would never pass a background check, like criminals, illegal immigrants, or Cher.

I was searching for someone who would do a professional, no-nonsense investigation, and while scanning the floor, it hit me. Diego the Idiot Detective!

The reason for this was two-fold. First, it gets this braying jackass out of our hair for at least a half hour, and second, he will surely do something stupid during the interview, showering the rest of with raucous laughter. He did not disappoint…

True Detective Stories

So yesterday I walked into work, settled in at my desk, and checked the court cases. It’s usually the first thing I do on court days, so I have an idea how short we’ll be. You see, the city’s District Attorney – a loathsome piece of filth whose first mission is to defund the police – has decided every police officer and detective must appear in court, whether it’s a trial or a preliminary hearing.

Nearly every court notice is now labeled “Must Be Tried.” MBTs are only used when the judge schedules a trial or when it is a final listing. The D.A. now puts MBTs on almost every case, forcing the majority of working officers and detectives to appear in court, whether they are needed or not.

This is purposeful, because when the D.A. forces all these people to court, it leaves virtually no one patrolling the streets or working in the detective divisions. Which explains why I was the only detective working yesterday for six of my eight hours. Me. No one else.

All this preamble brings me to Diego the Idiot Detective (above – okay Diego is much fatter than that guy). Almost every court notice Diego receives is marked MBT. Most of us assumed they were marked as such because he is a f**k-up, and the ADA needed him to explain his idiocy. Apparently, that is not the case. I mean, he is a f**k-up, but that’s not why he’s getting these notices.

There have been rumors going around claiming Diego has been calling assistant district attorneys, asking them to make all his cases MBT. One detective in particular heard a conversation he had with an ADA explicitly asking for an MBT. Why would he do this? In short, because he’s a bum.

When you are given an MBT notice, you are almost guaranteed to be sitting in court for the entire day. Most of us hate that, because sitting around for hours at the whim of some scumbag ADA, is very unpleasant. For Diego, it is a picnic. First, he gets out of work, because he will not receive any active jobs. Second, he knows he can sit downtown all day, stuffing his face with bon-bons and boring his fellow detectives to death. Finally, he knows no one will check up on what he’s doing, because the rest of us are working our asses off.

The only good news is I do get to assign dead jobs – jobs where there is no complainant or witness – to Diego, and after hearing his little plan, I can assure his mailbox will be chock full of jobs for him to address tomorrow.

I truly despise this bloated, disgusting pustule.

True Detective Stories

Let me tell you about my Saturday.

Saturday was my last day before two glorious days off. As is the case with most days, we were terribly shorthanded. Two detectives took a vacation day, one detective is on military leave, and two other detectives were working one of these useless gun buy back programs. The only people in the building were myself, and three detectives.

The good news was Diego was one of the dolts working the gun buy back program, so at least I wouldn’t have to see, hear, or smell that fat bastard for one day.

In the first hour, we received two domestic assault arrests, a stolen gun report, and a missing person report for an elderly woman with dementia. So, four jobs slated for three detectives. Suffice to say, we were busy. One detective headed to the domestic arrest, one to the missing person, and the other interviewed the women who sold, er, “lost” her gun.

By the second hour, I was telling supervisors and officers they would be waiting at least an hour for us to respond to other incidents. When they became indignant, I continued to reply with, “I cannot send you detectives I do not have. When one is available, we’ll send them out.”

So everyone is running themselves ragged; working cases, taking interviews, etc. Shortly after 9am, Diego slithers into the division. I look at him and ask, “What are you doing here? Don’t you have the gun buy back program today?”

This morbidly obese gelatinous blob replies, “Oh, that doesn’t start until 10am.”

I lost my mind. “You knew we were shorthanded, and you sat home for two hours instead of coming and helping out? Are you f**king kidding me?!!”

Diego looks at me, dumbfounded. “I mean, the detail starts at ten, so…”

I cannot adequately describe how much I despise this person.

1.138 days…

True Detective Stories

Thursday afternoon was my first day back on night work. Night work blows because we’re always so busy. The junkies wake up at the crack of noon, and everything goes to hell. We received thirty-one jobs and I had to dispense them over six detectives. One of which, was Diego the Asshole Detective.

*I changed his name for this post, because I hate this piece of shite.

As you all know, Diego is a fat, lazy moron – a title certified by the CDC – who spends his work day watching sports or listening to podcasts. Since he believes he doesn’t actually have to work at, well, work, he pays little to no attention to the jobs he receives.

Diego’s first arrest was for gun possession, which is a tedious, lengthy job which a real detective should handle, but sadly, Fatty McButterpants was next up. Since he was assigned an actual job, I laid off him for a bit so he could get his work done. About an hour later, I walked past his desk and he was watching the Phillies game. My first , and only thought was, “F**k this.”

True Detective Stories

There is no question I think Diego the Idiot Detective is the dumbest person I have ever met. It’s not even close, and I would say the illegitimate president is galactically smarter that this imbecile.

Let’s take example 3,879.

On Monday, there was a gun arrest waiting for us. The overnight shift got stuck with two shootings, so they had to hand it off to us. Diego the Idiot Detective was up for the first arrest – which made me smile – and that meant he would be busy most of the tour.

According to the report, two thugs were sitting on the offender’s steps smoking weed all night. The offender, an Asian man who is in his 70’s, has to sleep in his lviign room because he cannot climb stairs. After a few days of this, he apparently had enough. The “victims” claimed the man walked out the door, threatened them with a shotgun, and said, “I’ll kill you.”

True Detective Stories

I’m fairly certain I have not concealed my complete distaste and disgust of Diego the Idiot Detective. Wednesday night, he was assigned to a narcotics arrest with a gun possession. It would have been a night-long job, which would mean he wouldn’t be bothering the rest of us. An hour passed, and there was still no paperwork, so I asked what was going on.

Diego replied, “I called the Narcotics Unit, and they said they would handle the job.” My jaw dropped. I asked him why he would do that since, 1. he is not a supervisor, and 2. it was not a job big enough for Narcotics to grab. Diego responded with, “Well, I go on vacation tomorrow.”

Eh, what?

Diego is a very stupid man, but even he knows you cannot start your vacation until your previous tour is over. Tonight would have been his last night, and his vacation would have begun at 11pm this evening. So I did some checking, and apparently, this prick went to the daywork supervisor and asked if he could have Wednesday off. This is a major no-no, because you are supposed to ask your own supervisor for a day off.

The daywork supervisor is a good guy, and he approved the day. The funny part is dumbass didn’t realize he was also supposed to work today. You see, Diego only asked for a day off on Wednesday, but he is due in work at 3pm today. I cannot wait until my supervisor asks me, “Hey, where is Diego?”

I may actually videotape my supervisor’s rage when he realizes what Diego pulled. Since he didn’t officially ask for a day off today, he could be entered as AWOL.

There are only two good parts of this story – besides Diego’s idiocy. First, since he passed off his first arrest to Narcotics, so he was up for another arrest. That arrest didn’t come in until 9:45pm, so he ended up having to stay late to do the paperwork.

Second, Diego took three weeks vacation, and the day he returns is the day I start my vacation. So, I won’t have to deal with this assclown for five glorious weeks.

UPDATE: I sent Diego a text claiming he wasn’t in the book for today, and when he argued that I was lying, I sent him the computer entry and the empty vacation entry. I told him he needs to call the division immediately, and the sergeant ranted at him for his stupidity.

True Detective Stories

Come and listen to my story about a man who’s dumb, a poor fat detective who couldn’t find his thumb, but then one day he was lookin’ at some food, when he realized he’s an idiotic boob. Diego, that is…

Tuesday was interesting. Diego the Idiot Detective volunteered for overtime on the graveyard shift, because they are effectively a skeleton crew. The bosses have been begging detectives to work some OT, but there are few takers. Anyway, Dummy was given an arrest where the officers locked up two utes, each for possession of a handgun. The job came in at 4:29am. Remember that for later.

I walk into the building at 6:35am and see two rookie cops struggling with their paperwork. I glance to my right and see Diego “tutoring” these young officers, and wondered if I should just turn around and take a sick day. I settled into my desk and started entering Monday’s unassigned jobs…