True Detective Stories

Thursday afternoon was my first day back on night work. Night work blows because we’re always so busy. The junkies wake up at the crack of noon, and everything goes to hell. We received thirty-one jobs and I had to dispense them over six detectives. One of which, was Diego the Asshole Detective.

*I changed his name for this post, because I hate this piece of shite.

As you all know, Diego is a fat, lazy moron – a title certified by the CDC – who spends his work day watching sports or listening to podcasts. Since he believes he doesn’t actually have to work at, well, work, he pays little to no attention to the jobs he receives.

Diego’s first arrest was for gun possession, which is a tedious, lengthy job which a real detective should handle, but sadly, Fatty McButterpants was next up. Since he was assigned an actual job, I laid off him for a bit so he could get his work done. About an hour later, I walked past his desk and he was watching the Phillies game. My first , and only thought was, “F**k this.”

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True Detective Stories

There is no question I think Diego the Idiot Detective is the dumbest person I have ever met. It’s not even close, and I would say the illegitimate president is galactically smarter that this imbecile.

Let’s take example 3,879.

On Monday, there was a gun arrest waiting for us. The overnight shift got stuck with two shootings, so they had to hand it off to us. Diego the Idiot Detective was up for the first arrest – which made me smile – and that meant he would be busy most of the tour.

According to the report, two thugs were sitting on the offender’s steps smoking weed all night. The offender, an Asian man who is in his 70’s, has to sleep in his lviign room because he cannot climb stairs. After a few days of this, he apparently had enough. The “victims” claimed the man walked out the door, threatened them with a shotgun, and said, “I’ll kill you.”

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True Detective Stories

I’m fairly certain I have not concealed my complete distaste and disgust of Diego the Idiot Detective. Wednesday night, he was assigned to a narcotics arrest with a gun possession. It would have been a night-long job, which would mean he wouldn’t be bothering the rest of us. An hour passed, and there was still no paperwork, so I asked what was going on.

Diego replied, “I called the Narcotics Unit, and they said they would handle the job.” My jaw dropped. I asked him why he would do that since, 1. he is not a supervisor, and 2. it was not a job big enough for Narcotics to grab. Diego responded with, “Well, I go on vacation tomorrow.”

Eh, what?

Diego is a very stupid man, but even he knows you cannot start your vacation until your previous tour is over. Tonight would have been his last night, and his vacation would have begun at 11pm this evening. So I did some checking, and apparently, this prick went to the daywork supervisor and asked if he could have Wednesday off. This is a major no-no, because you are supposed to ask your own supervisor for a day off.

The daywork supervisor is a good guy, and he approved the day. The funny part is dumbass didn’t realize he was also supposed to work today. You see, Diego only asked for a day off on Wednesday, but he is due in work at 3pm today. I cannot wait until my supervisor asks me, “Hey, where is Diego?”

I may actually videotape my supervisor’s rage when he realizes what Diego pulled. Since he didn’t officially ask for a day off today, he could be entered as AWOL.

There are only two good parts of this story – besides Diego’s idiocy. First, since he passed off his first arrest to Narcotics, so he was up for another arrest. That arrest didn’t come in until 9:45pm, so he ended up having to stay late to do the paperwork.

Second, Diego took three weeks vacation, and the day he returns is the day I start my vacation. So, I won’t have to deal with this assclown for five glorious weeks.

UPDATE: I sent Diego a text claiming he wasn’t in the book for today, and when he argued that I was lying, I sent him the computer entry and the empty vacation entry. I told him he needs to call the division immediately, and the sergeant ranted at him for his stupidity.

True Detective Stories

Come and listen to my story about a man who’s dumb, a poor fat detective who couldn’t find his thumb, but then one day he was lookin’ at some food, when he realized he’s an idiotic boob. Diego, that is…

Tuesday was interesting. Diego the Idiot Detective volunteered for overtime on the graveyard shift, because they are effectively a skeleton crew. The bosses have been begging detectives to work some OT, but there are few takers. Anyway, Dummy was given an arrest where the officers locked up two utes, each for possession of a handgun. The job came in at 4:29am. Remember that for later.

I walk into the building at 6:35am and see two rookie cops struggling with their paperwork. I glance to my right and see Diego “tutoring” these young officers, and wondered if I should just turn around and take a sick day. I settled into my desk and started entering Monday’s unassigned jobs…

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True Detective Stories

So the other day I was sitting in my Man Cave playing NHL 2020 when I received a text message from one of my coworkers. The detective sent a photo of four dozen donuts in the kitchen, sent in by a victim who actually thought Diego the Idiot Detective did a good job.

Yes, we were all shocked and appalled.

The detective called Diego and told him what happened, and because Diego is the dumbest person currently living on the planet, he freaked out. Apparently, even HE didn’t believe he did a good job, and told the detective he thought someone accessed his credit card and purchased the donuts with it.

Oh, they’re Beiler’s Donuts – very expensive and very delicious. Too bad the victim sent them on a day Diego was off. I’m surprised he didn’t drive to work.

The detective texted, “Right now, Diego and his wife are looking over their credit card statements. LOL.”

Oh, and since yesterday was my first day back on night work, my fellow detectives left me sixty-four – SIXTY-FOUR! – unassigned jobs.

True Detective Stories

I cannot stand this paste eating imbecile.

Diego the Idiot Detective asked, and was approved for a vacation day Saturday. I was overjoyed by this, because weekend day work is usually not as hectic as weekdays. The bosses aren’t around, the drones all have the day off, and it’s usually quiet until noon.

I arrived at 6:30 – yes, I always arrive early on day work – and started entering the day’s jobs. I was entering a job when Diego walked past my desk. I looked up and asked, “What are you doing here?”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean you are in the book as being off vacation today.”

Diego pauses, turns around, and looks at the vacation book. His name is right there with the letters “VAC” next to it. Diego then actually says, “Oh, I forgot I took the day off.”

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True Detective Stories

It’s been a while since I posted about Diego the Idiot Detective; not because he isn’t still stupid, but because none of the dumbass things he has done lately really angered me.

So much for that streak.

The division was stacked Friday, with nearly every detective in my squad present. Within an hour, three detectives were called to court, two more detectives had to go to Trenton, NJ to get an interview signed, and two detectives were catching up on jobs which were due a week ago. For most of the day, four of the eleven detectives were in the building – one of which was Diego.

Around noon, the phone rang, and while Diego hadn’t picked up a phone the entire day, he decided to answer this call. After a few minutes, he came up front to talk to our supervisor, claiming a man was arrested after breaking into a house and there was a crime scene. The supervisor, who knows how stupid Diego is, asked him to give the phone to the assigned detective. After a few minutes, the assigned detective came up and said, “It’s a residential burglary, and there is no scene. I don’t know what Diego told you, but as usual, he got the story entirely wrong.”

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True Detective Stories

The Author, Staring At The Omnipresent Idiocy.
This week is the first time I’ve been on night work since I caught the Covid in March. While I love not waking up at 5:30am for the day shift, I am really starting to despise night work. Especially when it’s 85 degrees (inside the building).

The heat brings out the crazies – actually the cold does, too – and these past four days were no exception. On Sunday, Diego the Idiot Detective caught a shooting incident. Five rounds were fired at a residence, and he had to simply drive to the location, pick up the spent shell casings, grab the report and return. This simply job for a very simple man took four hours.


Our entire shift is only eight hours long, so everyone wanted to know what the f**k he was doing for four hours. Naturally, he had no excuse, and was highly displeased when there were new jobs on his desk. “You’re not immune to work when you’re on the street, Diego,” I told him. Especially when we’re busy. I hate this clown with the red hot intensity of a thousand suns…

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True Detective Stories

Ah, Diego the Idiot Detective; it seems he will eventually be the death of me.

The dullard waddled in to work Monday and, as always, stopped at my desk to bore me with some inane chatter. Before he could open his pie hole, I stopped him, and reminded him he had a court case. It was listed Must Be Tried, so attendance was mandatory.

For some reason, this dolt lost his mind.

“What? Since when? Nobody told me I had court today!”
“I checked the KTNQ system. You’re right there in black and white.”

“This is bullshit. I know nobody notified me!”
“Diego, you do realize that no one has been personally notifying us about court since the Virus protocols began? You also realize you can 1. check the KTNQ Court Listings from your terminal, and 2. walk to my desk, look in our squad box and pick out your notices? I mean, you get that, right?”

Diego turned and walked back to his desk, but not before killing my brain cells.

True Detective Stories

Today is my third day back at work after the Chinese Wuhan Virus made me much skinnier, so I figured I’d update everyone on the shenanigans.

The New Computer System. The new computer system has been a worry of mine for a while, because I just knew I wouldn’t be here when it was up and running. I assumed I’d be recovering from shoulder surgery, but the Wuhan got to me first. My first impression is the system isn’t as awful as I imagined. Everything is new, and there are still a lot of bugs – the search feature is a mess – but otherwise, it’s user friendly and it doesn’t crash every ten minutes.

Of course, since this is a big city police department, the bosses refuse to accept progress. I need to use the new system for entering and assigning jobs, but I also need to enter them not once, not twice, but thrice. Why? Because the upper echelon refuse to remove the outdated systems.

For example, if an officer brings in a domestic arrest – which happened earlier today – I have to enter the job into Premier One, THEN enter it again into an XL spreadsheet, THEN enter it into the outdated Deskman System. It’s not a big deal during daywork when we’re slow, but on a Friday night in the summer, this will be a disaster…

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