True Detective Stories

It’s been a while since I posted about Diego the Idiot Detective; not because he isn’t still stupid, but because none of the dumbass things he has done lately really angered me.

So much for that streak.

The division was stacked Friday, with nearly every detective in my squad present. Within an hour, three detectives were called to court, two more detectives had to go to Trenton, NJ to get an interview signed, and two detectives were catching up on jobs which were due a week ago. For most of the day, four of the eleven detectives were in the building – one of which was Diego.

Around noon, the phone rang, and while Diego hadn’t picked up a phone the entire day, he decided to answer this call. After a few minutes, he came up front to talk to our supervisor, claiming a man was arrested after breaking into a house and there was a crime scene. The supervisor, who knows how stupid Diego is, asked him to give the phone to the assigned detective. After a few minutes, the assigned detective came up and said, “It’s a residential burglary, and there is no scene. I don’t know what Diego told you, but as usual, he got the story entirely wrong.”

Continue reading “True Detective Stories”

True Detective Stories

The Author, Staring At The Omnipresent Idiocy.
This week is the first time I’ve been on night work since I caught the Covid in March. While I love not waking up at 5:30am for the day shift, I am really starting to despise night work. Especially when it’s 85 degrees (inside the building).

The heat brings out the crazies – actually the cold does, too – and these past four days were no exception. On Sunday, Diego the Idiot Detective caught a shooting incident. Five rounds were fired at a residence, and he had to simply drive to the location, pick up the spent shell casings, grab the report and return. This simply job for a very simple man took four hours.


Our entire shift is only eight hours long, so everyone wanted to know what the f**k he was doing for four hours. Naturally, he had no excuse, and was highly displeased when there were new jobs on his desk. “You’re not immune to work when you’re on the street, Diego,” I told him. Especially when we’re busy. I hate this clown with the red hot intensity of a thousand suns…

Continue reading “True Detective Stories”

True Detective Stories

Ah, Diego the Idiot Detective; it seems he will eventually be the death of me.

The dullard waddled in to work Monday and, as always, stopped at my desk to bore me with some inane chatter. Before he could open his pie hole, I stopped him, and reminded him he had a court case. It was listed Must Be Tried, so attendance was mandatory.

For some reason, this dolt lost his mind.

“What? Since when? Nobody told me I had court today!”
“I checked the KTNQ system. You’re right there in black and white.”

“This is bullshit. I know nobody notified me!”
“Diego, you do realize that no one has been personally notifying us about court since the Virus protocols began? You also realize you can 1. check the KTNQ Court Listings from your terminal, and 2. walk to my desk, look in our squad box and pick out your notices? I mean, you get that, right?”

Diego turned and walked back to his desk, but not before killing my brain cells.

True Detective Stories

Today is my third day back at work after the Chinese Wuhan Virus made me much skinnier, so I figured I’d update everyone on the shenanigans.

The New Computer System. The new computer system has been a worry of mine for a while, because I just knew I wouldn’t be here when it was up and running. I assumed I’d be recovering from shoulder surgery, but the Wuhan got to me first. My first impression is the system isn’t as awful as I imagined. Everything is new, and there are still a lot of bugs – the search feature is a mess – but otherwise, it’s user friendly and it doesn’t crash every ten minutes.

Of course, since this is a big city police department, the bosses refuse to accept progress. I need to use the new system for entering and assigning jobs, but I also need to enter them not once, not twice, but thrice. Why? Because the upper echelon refuse to remove the outdated systems.

For example, if an officer brings in a domestic arrest – which happened earlier today – I have to enter the job into Premier One, THEN enter it again into an XL spreadsheet, THEN enter it into the outdated Deskman System. It’s not a big deal during daywork when we’re slow, but on a Friday night in the summer, this will be a disaster…

Continue reading “True Detective Stories”

True Detective Stories

Diego the Idiot Detective is a little bit like Beetlejuice. If someone conjures his name, he will appear. Yesterday Ronni mentioned True Detective Stories, and a half hour later, *poof*, Diego sent me a text message.

I only receive text messages from Diego when he 1. screws something up and doesn’t want it to get out, 2. he wants something to eat, or 3. he wants to ask how you’re doing, so he can parlay that into him talking about himself for an hour. Yesterday, it was curtain number three.

Yesterday was cold and rainy here, but I have been cycling every day since I started getting past the Wuhan Flu. I was about to head out when Diego sent me a text message, which read: “How are you feeling?”

Now, I don’t want to be an a-hole – although I’ll power through it – but I tested positive on March 25th, after four previous days of misery. Everyone knew I was sick, and knew so for three weeks. Three coworkers and my lieutenant checked up on me, for which I’m thankful, but that was it. Why Diego bothered to send me a text the day before I went back to work was a mystery.

I told him I was fine and I would be in work Tuesday morning (today). Diego replied that he has been back for a week or so now, and that’s when it hit me.

You see, I’m fairly sure I got this round of Wu-Flu first. A day or so afterward, a female detective caught it – she continues to claim I “gave it to her.” The squad was trying to deal with two detectives being out sick, and a few days later Diego claimed he “passed out” while down at court…

Continue reading “True Detective Stories”

True Detective Stories

So Thursday night we had the A-Team on the street. Nearly every single cop in the division was doing their Streisand impersonations. Officers were getting entirely too excited over a probation arrest, bragging about a shoplifting pinch, and upgrading an infinitely minor retail theft.

The last two officers have maybe a year on the job, and they treated this random act of whimsy like it was the Lufthansa heist. Apparently, a male entered the Family Dollar – the Fort Knox of Retail Stores – selected several items, including bottles of Febreeze – and tried to flee the scene. An employee decided to play Gary Cooper and tried to stop the thief, who immediately punched him multiple times in the face and head. Normally, we would call that an “Aggravated Retail Theft,” but it is technically a robbery.

Not that the District Attorney’s Office will approve robbery charges, but whatever.

I told the officers to get everyone out of the store and hold it as a crime scene until we get out there. Guess who was the assigned detective? Diego.

Earlier in the day, a call came in and claimed they wanted to speak to a detective. I was busy putting in seven old jobs from the night before, and I asked Diego to take a message. He left the phone on hold – because he’s an a-hole – and I finally had to answer it. Imagine the joy I felt when I saw Diego was up for this cluster…

Continue reading “True Detective Stories”

True Detective Stories

This post may be longer than usual, but believe me, it is a necessary action to expose this dumbass and his “I Don’t Give A F**k” attitude.

So Saturday we were cursed with two problems: we were exceedingly busy and there was a gun buy back program in our division. (The gun buy back story will be highlighted in a TDS soon.) Until then, back to the dumbest person on Planet Earth.

Diego the Idiot Detective has this feature where toward the end of the day, he decides he needs to leave the building. He’ll claim he needs to check video surveillance, interview a witness, or some other ridiculous lie. Diego does this because he thinks if he is out on the street, he will be skipped when a job comes in.

Nice try, butt-munch.

Diego decided to flee the building Saturday around 12pm, claiming he was checking for video at one of his crime scenes. He could have done so the two days prior, but because we were busy, he figured it was a great time to get away. About a half hour after he left, Diego received a call from a woman who claimed Diego called her to come in for an interview.

Classic F**king Diego: set up an appointment and make someone else conduct the interview.

After speaking with the witness, we realized this was no ordinary interview. Diego handled an armed robbery of a phone store the day before, and the witness Diego was supposed to be interviewing may also have been the getaway driver. I immediately called the dullard…

Continue reading “True Detective Stories”

True Detective Stories

I’m just going to come out and say it; I despise Diego the Idiot Detective. He is not just an annoyance anymore. Diego is a virus, and he infects everyone he comes across. The man is a swollen, infected pustule filled with herpes and carbohydrates.

Our first day back to work was Thursday, and we were short on manpower. One detective was sick, and two were downtown for court cases. That left us with three detectives and Diego, who I refuse to acknowledge as a real detective. The overnight shift was busy, so they needed a drone to get a few search warrants.

Enter Diego.

Normally, it would take a real detective an hour and a half to two hours tops to drive downtown, get the warrants signed and returned. For Diego, it took four hours. FOUR HOURS!

While Diego was exploring the city’s vast food eateries, the other three detectives handled two arrests each and a few investigations. Eventually, the supervisor looked at me and asked, “Where is Diego?” I replied, “He’s still downtown with the warrants. It’s been four hours.” I told the supervisor I had to keep skipping Diego because when a job would come in, he was nowhere to be found.

I sent Diego a few texts reminding him we were getting crushed and he needed to return a.s.a.p. Those texts went unanswered. He finally returned at 12:30 – after leaving the office at 8am – and immediately ate his lunch. Remind you, we were still inundated with active jobs.

The supervisor called Diego to the front and told him he had a residential burglary. Amazingly, this douche canoe turns to the supervisor and says, “Well, I have to serve this warrant at the Youth Study Center.”


Already stressed and dealing with my shoulder pain, I let loose. “Then why the f**k didn’t you serve the warrant while you were there?!!!” Diego replied, “Oh, I didn’t think of it.” Angered, I replied, “Yeah, that’s not your strong suit. Before you leave, this is the information on the residential burglary. They are holding the scene, so you’ll have to drive by there, since everyone else has been working all day.”

Diego smirked and walked out the door, and he still had not returned by the time my shift was over.

I hate him. I truly, truly hate him. 1,344 days…

True Detective Stories

Considering his utter and complete idiocy, the above picture of Ralph Wiggum will be Diego’s avatar from here on out. He is quite literally the dumbest person I have ever met.

So yesterday Diego was called downtown by the ADA for one of his court cases. Why anyone would want this dullard to testify in open court is beyond me, but I digress. He left the building at 10:15am – we have to log that – and headed to the Criminal Justice Center. As he walked out, I said, “See ya tomorrow” which I always say when someone leaves the building.

Then I forgot about him, because he is very forgettable, and honestly, the division runs much more smoothly when he’s not around.

At around 1:30pm, Diego called in to the supervisor, saying he just left court. Normally, we’re expected to come back, unless there’s less than an hour in the tour. Dummy called too soon, so the supervisor had to tell him to come back…

Continue reading “True Detective Stories”

True Detective Stories

So get this. On Monday, Diego the Idiot Detective received a call from a woman claiming she knew the identities of two robbery suspects who have been terrorizing the division for a few weeks. The woman gave Diego their names and addresses, and instead of researching the jobs, or casing the suspects’ residence, he decided to show how wicked smaht he is.

Diego starts suiting up: body armor, extra mags, the works. Worse still, he recruits one of our female detectives – I’ll call her Salma, because she looks like Salma Hayek – to head out with him. When Salma asks where they’re going, he tells her he’s going to go to the residence of the two armed robbery suspects and arrest them.

Diego will be doing this without a supervisor and without the SWAT team. Because wicked smaht.

Salma immediately walks to my desk and asks, “Hey, can I use your body armor when I go out with Diego?” I obviously say yes, and then she asks, “Did you hear what Diego wants to do?” I did not, so she explained this suicidal plan. Salma has a lot of time on the job, and she can certainly handle herself, but she had no desire to go out with Diego on this case…

Continue reading “True Detective Stories”