True Detective Stories

Many of you regular readers are vaguely familiar with my coworker, Diego the Idiot Detective. Diego is arguably the dumbest person I have ever known, but what he lacks in intelligence, he also lacks in common sense.

Most detective divisions in the department are working shortened shifts in an order to practice social distancing. A few people come in early and are relieved by others after a few hours. For the most part, it has worked well, and we haven’t had a positive Wuhan illness in a few weeks.

That said, we’re obviously short on manpower, and we need every detective to be available to come to work and do their job.

Enter Diego the Idiot Detective.

The other day, Diego started whining about his back, saying it was “killing him.” (As if I’d be that lucky.) Diego is on the portly – read: obese – side, so back problems are not a surprise. He said all this in front of the sergeant, because that is Diego’s M.O. The man telegraphs sick days ahead of time, so it’s not a “surprise” when he calls out.

Thee sergeant, to his credit, interrupted a bitch session, stating, “You know we’re running a skeleton crew, right? You’re effectively working half days, and you’re going to call out sick while we’re short?”

Immediately cowed, because he’s a pussy, Diego responded, “Well, I’ll probably be good to go. No worries.”

The next morning, Diego called out sick for Wednesday, and said he would not return until Monday.

Stunts like these are why I cannot wait to leave this department. This never would have happened even ten years ago, because the peer pressure would be too great. Now, everyone is out for him or herself. There’s a special place in Hell for people who purposely screw over their coworkers.

True Detective Stories

With the advent of four-hour shifts – an effort to keep detectives from catching the Wuhan virus – a different detective works the front desk during the second part of the tour. The desk person is arguably the most important position in the division, because he/she is responsible for most of the important duties. Obviously, you want someone with half a brain to be assigned there.

In their infinite wisdom, my supervisors chose Diego the Idiot Detective.

You may remember Diego from previous TDS posts. He is quite literally the dumbest person I ever met. Diego may also be the laziest person I ever met, since the photo above shows all the jobs he left me on his first night in relief.

During his part of the tour, he entered three – THREE – jobs in a four-hour shift, while leaving me fourteen to enter the next evening.

Not only that he left me this present the next day, because why should Diego have to do his job when Wyatt can fix everything for him?

Look, I don’t mind working, and there have been times where I’ve put in fifty jobs in an eight-hour tour. We’re a bust division, so I expect there to be a lot of reports. But when we’re slow, and dealing with a pandemic, is it too much to ask other detectives to do their jobs?

Judging by these photos, I guess the answer is yes.

True Detective Stories

Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water, Diego the Idiot Detective’s fat, bloated carcass washed up on the beach.

A few days ago, someone burglarized two separate houses in our division. Both reports came around the same time, but were assigned to different detectives. Sunday night, one victim called police and claimed she saw the burglar outside her residence. The officers arrested the offender on the basis of the alleged identification, and transported him to the division.

The victim was sure she identified the correct offender, but when the assigned detective checked the video, the victim wasn’t even close. The male was black… and that’s it. There was nothing else which could have identified this man as the doer, but she was adamant. The conversation started and four of us decided there was no way this guy was the burglar, and after an investigation, he was released. Justice served; at least for the man arrested.

Then yesterday, Diego the Idiot Detective decided he wanted to put the arrested-then-released man’s photo on the YouTube channel. Our video tech detective asked Diego why he would want to do that, and Diego replied, “Because he’s probably the doer of my burglary a few houses down, since the other victim ID’d him.”

The video detective immediately face-palmed.

“Diego, that male was released an hour after he was brought in because he didn’t match the flash information. At. All.”

Diego, nonplussed, replied, “Well, he kinds looks like the doer.”

Apparently Diego read the obscure part of the Constitution which allows arrests for those people who “kinda look like the doer.” Frickin’ idiot.

True Detective Stories

After the adjustment to my work schedule, this is my sixth and final day before two glorious days off. The break cannot come at a more opportune time since I am literally surrounded by morons. You may remember Diego the Idiot Detective from the last episode of TDS. On Saturday, he out-dumbed himself; which I assumed was impossible.

One of the other detectives asked Diego to put together a photo array for a victim’s attacker. Photo arrays are rather simple tasks; you need to submit eight mug shots – the offender and seven others wo look similar to the offender. For example, you cannot show a photo array of three white males and five black males. Or you cannot show seven women and one man. In short, the photos cannot be prejudicial, and they cannot make the offender seem glaringly obvious.

Luckily, Diego the Idiot Detective was on the case…

Continue reading “True Detective Stories”

True Detective Stories

Have you ever had a coworker who was so mindbogglingly stupid that you couldn’t comprehend how he tied his shoes? Was this coworker also delusional enough to believe he was actually the smartest person in the building?

If not, I’d like to introduce you to Diego.

Diego was promoted ten months ago, and it already feels like he’s been here ten years. Diego is not a smart man, but he believes he’s smart because someone – I assume his inner voice – told Diego he has a brilliant mind and ravishing intellect.

Spoiler alert: Neither are true.

Diego enjoys telling war stories about how he was the hottest officer in his division. (I assume he was so hot because he’s morbidly obese, but I digress.) The stories are boring tales of adventure where this 300-pound behemoth is chasing criminals over rooftops, as if the roofs were manufactured with Adamantium.

Anyway, Diego spends most of his time in the office watching sports, stuffing his face, and annoying everyone else; so it was no surprise when I came in Monday and noticed he screwed something up.

Missing persons – especially juveniles – are priorities for detective divisions. While most of them are regulars, skipping home or school on a whim, we still need to work them a.s.a.p. Diego was assigned one of these jobs Sunday afternoon. On Monday, there was a report on my desk saying the person returned.

Good news, right?

Since Diego called off sick Monday – likely for diabetes and a yeast infection – I had to take the person out of missing status. I searched for the report, opened it, and stopped. The report was done, more or less, but Diego never hit “Enter.” So the report was not officially filed, and if the person was found, no officer would know the juvenile was missing.

I sent a text to Diego. “The missing person you never entered returned today.”

Diego: “I did enter and submitted but that’s good. Thanks.” (See what I mean about him being a dullard?)

I responded. “You never hit ‘Save and Send.” That’s the important part of missing person reports.”

Diego continued to claim he entered the job with the ultimate power of his mind, so I sent him a screenshot of the report. It read: “Submitted on: 10/28/2019. 3:37:24 PM.”

I figured I’ve played with enough for one day, so I ended the conversation with this: “So tell me, Marty McFly, how you entered a missing person from your home while you’re off sick?”

As of Tuesday afternoon I have still not received a response. That’s what I thought. Dope.