911, What Is Your Emergency?

Meet Sylvia Shumaker of Largo, Florida.

Sylvia had a few questions about divorce proceedings and instead of calling a lawyer, she decided to call 911. Because Florida.

A Largo woman was arrested Friday for misusing 911 by calling and texting the number to make non-criminal complaints about her husband.

Police said Sylvia Shumaker, 69, used 911 multiple times via text and phone to ask for things like a counselor and how to file for divorce. Police responded to Shumaker’s residence early Friday morning around 1:50.

Shumaker was reportedly “highly intoxicated” when being questioned by police.

Now I’m no marital counselor, but without meeting Sylvia’s husband, I can unequivocally suggest he gleefully accept the divorce.

Sarah Smiles

Sarah Palin, one of the best candidates ever to run for Vice-President, has announced her marriage is ending after thirty-one years. That’s right, guys; she’ll soon be single!

Former Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin’s husband Todd Palin has filed for divorce in Anchorage Superior Court.

Citing “incompatibility of temperament between the parties such that they find it impossible to live together as husband and wife,” the court document, filed on Friday, uses initials instead of full names, but lists the date of the Palin marriage and the birth date of their child, Trig, 11, who had Down Syndrome, for whom they filed joint custody.

Anchorage attorney Kimberloo Colbo is representing Todd, 55, and has asked the court to keep the case confidential. As well as Trig, the couple has four adult children, Track, 30, Bristol, 28, Willow, 25, and Piper, 18.

Sarah Palin, also 55, rose to prominence during the 2008 presidential election, when the former mayor of Wasilla was chosen by John McCain as his vice presidential candidate, a decision for which the Arizona senator expressed regret last year. (H/TAOSHQ)

Like most conservatives, I voted for Sarah Palin in 2008 and not the McCain squish. She was conservatism unleashed, and if not for McCain’s feckless kowtowing to King Putt, they may have had a chance to win the presidency. Then, years later, Sarah could have officially become the First Babe.

Wisconsin Man Is Really Salty

A Wisconsin man initiated a heated argument with his wife after she purposely salted his movie popcorn without his permission.

A husband has declared his marriage over after his wife salted their popcorn at the movie theater against his wishes.

Cops were called to mediate the snack dispute at Marcus Majestic Cinema in Brookfield, Wisconsin, on the outskirts of Milwaukee, at about 9.31pm on May 27.

The wife explained that prior to the movie, she was in line to get popcorn when her husband asked her not to salt it before he walked away. After getting the popcorn, she decided that since she had paid for it, she would go ahead salt it despite his protests.

When the husband discovered his wife had salted the popcorn, he accused her of being unfaithful and declared that their marriage was over.

Totes. Not. Insane. Personally, I always add salt to my movie popcorn, and nachos, and Mountain Dew…

Oils Well That Ends Well

The NHL season started Wednesday night – thank the Lord Stanley – and an Alberta, Canada couple will be deciding which hockey games they will attend… separately.

If anyone needs evidence of how passionate Canadian hockey fans are, look no further than Beverly and Donald McLeod.

After separating in 2015, the two ended their 35-year marriage in court recently as they finally settled on custody of their beloved season tickets. The Alberta couple were longtime Edmonton Oilers season ticket holders and apparently couldn’t come to a resolution on who would get the precious seats in the divorce.

Donald was willing to pay his former wife $15,000 a month in spousal support, but he wasn’t going to give up on his team. So Beverly filed for joint custody of the tickets and won.

“The parties shall alternate choices for game tickets with the defendant choosing first the game for which he wants tickets, the plaintiff choosing second for her game, and the parties alternating choices thereafter until all regular season tickets have been assigned,” Justice Ritu Khullar ruled.

The ruling is tough, but fair, but I sincerely hope Donald doesn’t also have to pay spousal support. I mean, spousal support would probably be a necessary component if we were talking about Winnipeg jets tickets. Just sayin’.

Don’t Cry For Me, Brangelina


Ladies and gentlemen, set your faces to “stunned.” Another Hollywood power couple is calling it quits.

Angelina Jolie has filed for divorce from Brad Pitt. TMZ confirms the news, and says Jolie filed Monday and lists the date of separation as Sept. 15. TMZ reports that there was no cheating involved (though Page Six claims Jolie busted Pitt having an affair with co-star Marion Cotillard), just a fight over how Pitt parents the couple’s six children. Jolie is seeking sole physical custody of the kids, with Pitt being granted only visitation.

An attorney for Jolie Pitt, Robert Offer, said the decision to divorce was made “for the health of the family.” Sources say Jolie was “fed up” with Pitt’s substance abuse, including pot and booze, combined with what she saw as anger issues.

I actually feel sorry for Brad. How will he ever find another smoking hot Hollywood starlet to bang?

The Sweetest Plum

Ilustração - Divórcio

Would you like to see your spouse eradicated in a blimp attack? Would you ditch your partner if you only had the payola to do so? Well look no further, because Plumfund is your answered prayers!

Plumfund, an online crowdfunding platform, recently added “divorce” as one of its fundraising sections. Plumfund was created by Sara and Josh Margulis, a married couple who first launched honeymoon registry Honeyfund in 2006.

Users can create a divorce fund for themselves or someone they know and then spread the word that a little financial help would be appreciated. There’s an option to simply pool cash or make a registry with specific items (think: attorney’s fees, living expenses or play therapy for the kids).

It isn’t mentioned above, but I’m sure you can pool money for a divorce party at the nudie bar, or to help the recently divorced find a sugar daddy/mama. Preferably one who isn’t cray-cray.

Paging L. Rob Blubbard

Nelson Muntz Ha HaEditor’s Note: The following post is chock full of insolence, exultation, and just plain villainy. I make no apologies for my unrepentant glee.

The previous blog was eradicated after a small group of subhumans tried – and failed – to cause havoc in both my personal and professional life. One of the subhumans who reveled in my temporary misery is a “minister” with some phony baloney church he runs out of a Philadelphia recreation center.

The minister is a morbidly obese loudmouth who preaches about love, forgiveness, and all-you-can-eat Chinese buffets. Like most faux Men of the Cloth, Blob Tilton portrays a saintly demeanor around his fluke, er flock, but in private he badmouths people behind their backs.

And yes, this post is different because I never pretended to be a nice guy.

Last April, Judas Feast littered his Twitter account with incoherent ravings concerning the Baltimore riots. Well before any facts of the case were released, this piss-flap was decrying the members of the Baltimore Police Department and claiming the rioters/looters’ qualms were justified. When people challenged him on his rush to judgment, he would hide behind his Bible verses.

I know what you’re thinking: “Wyatt, why are you so handsome, and where is this post going?” Well, thank you; I’ve lost a lot of weight. The point of this post is this guy posted something on Twitter so high-larious that I doubled over in joy.

Apparently the Archbishop of Dingleberry’s wife of seventeen years left him. Not only that, but she also took their four kids. Oh, and did I mention she smuggled the children to the Midwest! Bawahahahaha!

Now before you get a case of the sads, Father Guido Sardouchebag is a close personal friend and neighbor of the scrote who tried to get me fired. Any good work he claims he has done means nothing to me, and I would sooner follow Reverend Jim Ignatowski before this bloated pustule.

Oh, as an added bonus, one of Lardinal Dolan’s daughters was dating the scrote’s son. Maybe she can invite him to the prom in Calumet City. Bawahahahaha!

Cthulhu is figuratively smiting my enemies, and I will build many churches in His honor.