Well, Kiss Her Grits!

A Saint Petersburg woman was arrested after she allegedly struck her boyfriend with a pan and dumped scalding grits onto him. There is no report whether the grits were regular, creamy, or al dente.

Investigators say Dereise Johnson, 49, and the victim were arguing yesterday morning when she struck the man with a metal sauce pan inside the couple’s St. Petersburg residence.

“Contained within this pan was hot grits which spilled on the victim, causing a burn to his left arm,” a cop reported. The victim also required stitches for injuries to his head and face, the complaint notes.

Johnson was arrested and booked into the county jail for aggravated battery. She is being held in lieu of $5000 bond and has been ordered by a judge to have no contact with the victim.

Johnson’s lawyer, Vinny Gambini, argued that boiling water soaks into a grit faster in her kitchen than on any place else on the face of the Earth.

True Detective Stories

This may sound inconceivable to you, but there are people in my department galactically dumber than Diego the Idiot Detective. There is a certain police officer in our worst district makes Diego look like Stephen Hawking. Let me introduce you to Beaky Buzzard.

Beaky is an inept dullard who spends most of his time drooling into his retainer case. He was likely approved because his father was a high-ranking supervisor, and apparently the smarts skip a generation.

Yesterday Beaky handled a domestic assault. The offender was arrested after allegedly holding her life partner inside the residence at the point of a gun. Apparently the offender also fired a round or two out the window, I guess to prove she was serious. The sergeant called for the scene, explained what they had, and I told them to bring up the combatants – and the pistol if it was recovered. The time of the call was 9:30am.

By 10:30am, the officers had brought the victim and the offender to the division. It had been an hour since the call, and I still did not have a police report or the gun. I joked to my sergeant, “I’ll bet Beaky Buzzard has this job.” My sergeant replied, “Oh, please don’t let this be the case.”

Continue reading “True Detective Stories”

Naughty Nautical Neighbors

Meet Heather Smith of Tierra Verde, Flori-Duh.

Wait, that’s a woman??? Wow.

Heather was lounging around on the high seas in her cabin cruiser when she had a tiff with her husband. A calm, rational woman, Heather did what every fine, upstanding adult would do during a marital squabble… she peed on him.

According to investigators, Heather Smith, 48, and her spouse early yesterday “got into a verbal altercation while on their cabin cruiser at sea” near a small island about 10 miles northwest of Clearwater.

Around 1 AM Sunday, cops say, the 47-year-old victim was snoozing when Smith “opened the front port hatch,” which is “located in the roof of the interior cabin bedroom.” Smith then “urinated on the victim” from above. When Smith’s husband subsequently exited the cabin area, she allegedly bit him on the stomach. The victim, cops reported, “had injuries that matched the story.”

When questioned by police, Smith reportedly “admitted to biting and urinating on the victim.”

Some places charge you extra for that. I’m not sure which is more believable; that this woman urinated on her husband from above, or that she is actually 48 years old. That must’ve been a rough paper route.

Place Your Junk In An Upright Position

Meet Nicole Denison of Safety Harbor, Florida.

Nicole is a crazy stupid hot flight attendant who, after coming home from work, found her husband plowing another woman. Obviously, Nicole was not pleased, and she decided to go all Mike Tyson on his ass.

Upon returning to her home at 11 PM, a Florida Woman last week discovered her husband “engaged in sexual intercourse” with another woman, a circumstance that allegedly prompted a domestic pummeling and the wife’s arrest.

Nicole, you’ve been railroaded. I’m here for you.

According to cops, Nicole Denison, a 29-year-old flight attendant, interrupted the marital infidelity when she arrived Wednesday at her family’s residence in Safety Harbor, a city in the Tampa Bay area.

Okay, I have a few questions. First of all, how the f**k do you cheat on a woman who looks like this? Second, how the f**k do you cheat on a woman who looks like this? And finally, why are you such a douche canoe? You deserve to get your ass kicked.

Denison, police allege, punched her 34-year-old spouse “in his left eye causing a ‘black eye.’” Denison’s husband also sustained scratches to his forehead and a bruise on his right arm “at the hands of the defendant.”

Can you blame her? Nicole comes home from a hard day at work to find her douche husband shtupping some local hoor in their house? Hell, she should get the Congressional Medal of Restraint for not kicking the harlot’s ass, too.

Then, in a move straight out of “Animal House,” Denison allegedly took her husband’s acoustic guitar and smashed it against the wall, destroying the instrument and “leaving a gaping hole in the wall.”

Okay, that’s hilarious! I mean, it would have been more hilarious if Nicole El Kabong’d the husband over the head with the guitar, but still, kudos!

Eligible Florida Men, snatch up this gorgeous specimen and treat her like a queen. Go! NOW!!

P.S.I’m going to be out for much of the day, so if I don’t immediately respond to comments, that’s why. I’m not ignoring the blog.

True Detective Stories

They’re getting… dumber.

On Saturday evening, we heard a call over the radio for a domestic assault which appeared to evolve into a robbery. The officers who responded were both rookies, who have a total amount of three months on the job. Sadly, no veteran rode in to check on them.

Anyway, the job was dispatched around 8pm, and despite the incident occurred a few blocks from the division, it took these geniuses over an hour to arrive at my desk. The officer had a pile of paperwork, so I asked, “What is this?” The rookie “responded” by holding out the paperwork, expecting me to take it. I asked, “I’m not sorting through all your paperwork. I just want to know what kind of job this is. It’s not difficult.”

The rookie replies, “It’s a domestic.” Sighing, I take the paperwork and notice the report is coded as a robbery, so I inquire again, “Is this a robbery or a domestic assault, because downstairs coded it a robbery.”

“Um, it’s both,” the rookie replies.

I mutter, “Jesus Christ,” and motion to my supervisor, “Sarge, can you intervene here?”

Continue reading “True Detective Stories”

The Sesame Seeds Hurt The Most

Meet Tyler Hardeman of Holiday, Florida.

Tyler is a handsome young gentleman who enjoys vaping, fast food, and (allegedly) assaulting his significant other with meat products.

Cops allege that Tyler Hardeman “engaged in a verbal argument with the victim” at a residence in Holiday, a Tampa suburb. During the 9:45 PM squabble, the 23-year-old Hardeman first “threw a McDouble (hamburger) at the defendant’s head,” a complaint affidavit reports.

The McDouble hit the victim in the left ear, but did not cause injury.

Oh, please please please tell me the victim’s name was Patty. That would be hilarious!

True Detective Stories

Sunday was pretty horrible. While my family was home celebrating Erik’s birthday, I was at work, dealing with the dumbest police officers ever to grace the planet Earth. There were many contenders for Sunday night’s Lord of the Idiots title, but one man stood above them all.

Officer Dullard called the division and said he was out on a domestic violence call, where the male offender allegedly threatened the female victim with a handgun. The victim, natch, did not want to speak with detectives, so he said he would write the report and send it up. Fine.

A half hour later, Officer Dullard calls again, stating he magically stopped the car the offender was driving, with the offender inside the vehicle. This would be fabulous if we had a cooperative complainant, but since we didn’t, it would likely not become an arrest…

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True Detective Stories

Today I will be spending my tour getting re-certified for CPR. Normally I despise classroom training, but considering the debacle which occurred in our division Thursday, I really needed to get away.

Like every division in the city, our unit has a domestic violence unit. Our unit is comprised of two females who work days and two males who work nights. The males are hard-working detectives who do their jobs without complaint. The females? Not so much.

On Thursday, two officers came in with an arrest for assault on police. The officers responded to a domestic call, where the grandfather claimed the grandson threatened to kill him. The grandfather said he did not feel safe with the grandson in his home, and the officers tried to mediate the situation. The grandson apparently lost it, charged to officers, and started punching, kicking, and biting them.

The offender was arrested and transported to the division.

The case was assigned to the aforementioned females, because the officers initially responded to the domestic call, and the grandfather was brought in as a witness to the threats and the assault on police. The officers brought the paperwork to them, and moments later, the officers returned.

“The domestic unit said they’re not handling this.”

I looked at them in disbelief. “I’m sorry, what?”

The officer replied, “They claim they only handle ‘romantic incidents.”

In nearly twenty-five years on this job I have never heard that expression before. Ever. The domestic unit is “supposed” to handle any incident where a domestic relationship is involved. Husband and wife, parent and child, brother and sister, etc. I informed my sergeant, and when she recovered from the stupidity of the decision, she walked back to their office.

Both “ladies” were sitting at their desks, playing on their phones. Apparently they were too busy playing Angry Birds to do their jobs. The sergeant confronted them, and being human slugs, they reiterated their idiotic new rules. The sergeant notified their lieutenant, who – naturally – stuck up for his precious slugs.

So, for the time being, any domestic jobs which are not “romantic” will be handled by the line squad. It’s amazing, we have two missing person detectives who do not handle active missing person jobs, and two domestic detectives who do not handle domestics.

I cannot retire soon enough.

The Jewel In The Crown

Meet Samantha Jewel Hernandez.

Okay, that’s actually Pam Poovey from Archer, but she’s here to make a point. Samantha was arrested by Vero Beach police officers for assaulting her fiance after he declined her sexual advances. So, just another day in Flori-duh.

Officers responding early this morning to a disturbance call at a Vero Beach apartment building encountered Samantha Jewel Hernandez, 21, sans clothes and in an ornery mood. Hernandez denied doing anything to her fiancée, “but was too intoxicated” to provide further information.

The victim, 21, told police that Hernandez “wanted to engage him in sexual intercourse,” which he declined. “Hernandez was angry at the fact that [the victim] did not want to have sex and began attacking him, striking him in the face and ripping his shirt.”

After being placed in the rear of a police cruiser, Hernandez “maliciously spit” on the arm of a patrolman “while yelling profanities.” As a result, she was charged with battery on a police officer, a felony.

She had me until she spit on the officers. Now to the Pam Poovey point: the females in these stories are always morbidly obese with terrible grooming habits, right? take a look at Samantha below the fold. (I know what you’re thinking, but no, this is not a trick.)

Continue reading “The Jewel In The Crown”

This Angel Must’ve Phelps From Heaven

Meet Rebecca Lynn Phelps of, well, guess the state.

Rebecca got into trouble with the law after assaulting her partner for refusing to have sex. Yep, Rebecca is a real fireplug; or is it butt-plug?

Rebecca Lynn Phelps, 31, was arrested for domestic battery following a confrontation in the Tampa-area home she shares with the victim and the couple’s child.

Phelps’s arrest was the second time in 14 months that she was busted for allegedly battering a man who did not want to have sex with her.

Investigators allege that the victim was sleeping late Thursday night when Phelps entered their bedroom seeking to have sex. After Phelps groped her partner’s private parts, the “victim said no and went back to sleep.” Phelps subsequently returned to the bedroom and started “tapping” the man’s leg. “The victim pretended to be asleep to ignore the defendant who is intoxicated,” cops noted.

Phelps then allegedly “scratched the victim on his left eye causing it to swell and turn black and blue.” Phelps, who told cops she did not touch the victim, was arrested on a misdemeanor domestic battery charge. She was released yesterday morning from the county jail after posting $100 bond.

I imagine Rebecca pulled a Pam Poovey and told police, “I’m a desirable, full bodied woman but nobody will have sex with me! And I have so much love to give!”

Actually, if we’re being honest, compared to most of the women we see assaulting guys for not banging them, Rebecca is practically Kate Freakin’ Upton.