She Put A Denton In Her Wallet

Meet Roseanna Denton of Pensacola, Flori-Duh.

Roseanna was rushed to the hospital for alleged drug abuse, and instead of lying back and enjoying the detox, Roseanna decided she would rather show the staff her Tasmanian Devil impersonation.

According to cops, Roseanna Denton, 28, was brought to Pensacola’s West Florida Hospital around 12:30 AM Saturday by her parents for “suspected drug use and erratic behavior.”

Denton’s kin told nurses that she “may have needles in her purse that could cause a hazard to hospital staff.”

Seen at right, Denton allegedly scuffled with nursing staffers who sought to restrain her, battering four victims in the process. Denton, cops allege, punched, kicked, scratched, and spit on the nurses (each of whom wanted to press charges against her).

And yes, when the drugs are out of her system, I’d tap that like a maple tree.

Jetting Off To Whore Island

In what can only be described as the most significant discovery since the wreckage of the Titanic, the location of Sex Island has been revealed.

The hooker and drug-fueled Sex Island will be hosted at a swanky resort on a private island off the coast of Trinidad and Tobago, a representative said.

The four-day, three-night sex-travaganza originally cost $6,000 per person, but that dropped to $4,500 as part of a Black Friday promotion that is still in effect.

Only $4,500? What a bargain! I can pay for the trip with my Chinese snitching money.

For their money, the 50 guests will each have two prostitutes available to them and receive unlimited food and drinks. Most of the women hail from Colombia, Brazil, Puerto Rico and other South American countries. A few American and Canadian girls are also slated to attend.

Besides the women, guests have easy access to drugs, with Sex Island staff members acting as liaisons between dealers and partygoers. Cocaine is far and away the most popular drug requested by guests.

Pfft, I get high on life… and blackjack… and hookers.

Lawyers, Guns, And Honking

Meet Rance James Shannon of – where else – Florida.

Rance is a busy man with a busy schedule, so when he came across an auto accident, he politely, yet repeatedly, honked his horn at police officers. Probably not the smartest move.

According to Gainesville Police they were working a crash in midtown when Rance Shannon continuously honked his horn at four stopped patrol cars and fire rescue.

Police approached Shannon and could smell marijuana coming from his car. After searching it they found a handgun, a loaded magazine, ten-thousand dollars in cash.

They also found other weapons and drugs inside, including five mason jars of marijuana, nearly a hundred grams of cocaine, four handguns, and a baseball bat.

Ironically, it was the baseball bat which did Rance in. Yeah, Florida is cool with guns, weed, and a shitload of cash, but they draw the line at athletic equipment!

(Note: Yesterday was my father in-law’s viewing, and today is the funeral, so I’ll most likely be scarce. There are posts set up for the rest of the day.)

The Georgia Peaches

An out-of-control lingerie party resulted in seventy arrests, and the confiscation of drugs and guns. Gawd, I need to move to Georgia.

According to Cartersville officials, the police department responded to Cain Drive in the early morning hours of New Year’s Eve after getting reports of shots being fired.

When officers got there, they were met with the smell of marijuana and several people trying to run from the area. After entering the home, officers said they saw weed in plain view and confiscated a semi-automatic weapon. Because of the presence of drugs, a gun and the sheer number of people inside, Cartersville Police notified the Bartow-Cartersville Drug Task Force to assist.

The drug task force got a search warrant and recovered two weapons (one reportedly stolen from Detroit, Mich.), individually-wrapped packages of marijuana and several smoking devices. Drug agents also found individually-wrapped packages of cocaine and other paraphernalia on several people.

My New Year’s Eve was spent playing Nintendo Wii with the kids, struggling to stay up until midnight, and wincing at the sound of Jenny McCarthy’s voice.