You Reepham What You Sow

Meet Katherine Lake, a (former) Physical Education teacher at Reepham Secondary School in Norwich, England. Katherine really enjoys her students; so much so she got shite-faced drunk, shared cigarettes with the students, and flashed her breasts while taking photos with the kids.

Married PE department head ­Katherine Lake, 44, downed eight glasses of wine at a school leavers’ prom and sat on one student’s lap watched by his stunned pals.

Later, she pulled her top down exposing her breasts while posing with five pupils in a photo booth, a disciplinary panel heard.

The flirty teacher, who also shared a cigarette with a pupil, was so smashed she fell over while trying to sit on a pupil’s lap, the panel heard.

Ironically, this woman is overqualified to teach in America’s public school system. Cripes, if she banged one of the students, she could easily be nominated for Secretary of Education.

Marlowe Enjoys His Merlot

Meet Derek Marlowe of Flori-duh. Derek wanted to get mad educated, so he decided to stumble into a high school classroom and learn about the rhombus.

A man suspected of being extremely intoxicated rode his bike onto a Port Orange high school campus Friday morning and meandered into a class room, taking a seat at an open desk, according to the Volusia County Sheriff’s Office.

Deputies responded to Spruce Creek High School on Taylor Road Friday around 8:55 a.m. where the school resource officer had Derek Marlowe, 51, in handcuffs in the dean’s office.

Marlowe entered the school where he “lingered while classes were in session” before entering C-Hallway and walking into classroom C-20 at 8:45 a.m., surveillance video showed. The report says the door was ajar because a student came back from using a restroom and did not fully close the door behind them.

Sadly, Derek was quickly arrested by deputies, depriving the school of its best student in decades.

From The Drink To The Clink

Meet David M. Kilmer of Fishkill, New York.

David drinks too much, as a result of actually living in New York. Sometimes David drinks when he drives; other times he drinks during rehabilitation.

On Feb. 1, 2018, David M. Kilmer was stopped by members of the Dutchess County Sheriff’s Office in the Town of Fishkill. Kilmer was ordered to attend the Victim Impact Panel due to an alcohol related driving offense conviction on Jan. 18, 2018 in the Town of Fishkill.

The Victim Impact Panel, said the DCSO, is a court ordered program operated by Council on Addiction Prevention and Education of Dutchess County.

Attendees are ordered to appear after being convicted of alcohol or drug driving offenses. Kilmer was refused entry due to his alleged intoxication.

Kilmer claimed he did not operate a vehicle before his attendance and was advised not to operate a vehicle and call for a ride home. Kilmer was observed leaving the parking lot a few minutes later in his Chevrolet pick-up. He was stopped on Millholland Drive and was arrested for DWI.

So David is arrested for DUI, gets entered into the DUI rehab program, and is arrested after driving drunk to the program. Congratulations, Dave; you are officially the dumbest person in New York.

Palmer? I Hardly Know Her!

Meet Politico senior correspondent Anna Palmer. Like the rest of the staff at that fake news site, Anna despises conservatives, Republicans, and the rest of the great unwashed. Unfortunately, Anna also acts upon her impulses, especially when she’s near her precious, precious alcohol.

Politico Playbook writer Anna Palmer pulled a Mel Gibson last Thursday night at the Four Seasons hotel in Washington’s Georgetown neighborhood when she approached a civilized gathering of President Trump allies and incoherently blasted them for apparently being on the wrong side of America’s political divide.

The group included Breitbart News‘s Washington Editor Matt Boyle, Alexandra Preate, a longtime associate of Trump Senior Advisor Steve Bannon, GOP operative Arthur Schwartz and a handful of senior Trump administration officials.

The source, who was spotted in the East Wing on Friday, described her as “slurring her points. Unintelligible. Republicans. Corrupt. Bad. Like, can’t finish a sentence. She was wagging her finger at us. She’s one of the faces of Politico. We’re all Republicans. We all have pretty close ties to the White House.”

You stay classy, Anna. Politico, unsurprisingly, disputes the entire story, despite a gaggle of independent witnesses. In Politico’s fake news version, Palmer was accosted with chants of “Fake news!” from the group, and immediately left the bar after feeling “uncomfortable.” Seems legit.

Tasmanian Devils

A pair of Tasmanian police officers did a good deed by taking a drunk safely home. The officers did one better by taking a selfie with the tipsy man… for posterity.

Tasmania Police responded in a Facebook post to a viral photo on Reddit showing two officers posing for a selfie in front of a bed where an intoxicated man is giving a thumbs-up to the camera.

Tasmania Police Northern District Senior Sgt. Craig Fox said police don’t normally drive drunken partiers home.

“However police are always looking for a place of safety for anyone who is affected by alcohol,” Fox said. “On this occasion, police were contacted by a taxi company for assistance in getting the man home. When police arrived, they found out his address, took the man home and waited for a friend to arrive to look after him.”

Bloody good work, officers. Thanks for making the profession look good.

A Boss With The Sauce

amanda-willis

Meet Amanda Willis or – where else – Florida. Amanda was chosen as her best friend’s Maid of Honor, and she helped her BFF celebrate her special day by performing her Jennifer Lawrence impersonation.

The Charlotte County ceremony has been described as beautiful, but when the reception kicked off, maid of honor Amanda Willis hit the bottle hard. The wedding pictures tell the story of a content couple, David and Jennifer Butler. They had their cake and first dance while Willis started drinking.

Willis started asking people for their keys, according to those in attendance. “She just went up to the best man and grabbed his keys out of his pocket and jumped in his car,” said Robert Templeton.

Willis backed out and almost hit the best man – David’s brother Brian. He grabbed on to the car and held on. “She took off, and his feet were dragging across the ground. He had to hit the E-brake,” said Templeton.

If I may quote the Gospel, “Let he who has not driven away with someone clinging to their car cast the first whiskey bottle.” Think about it.

Deputies said Willis claimed to be having an asthma attack and started shaking as if she were having a seizure. They took her to Bayfront Punta Gorda, where she exposed herself to deputies, assaulted two medics and kicked over her bed pan.

Now that seems bad, but how did she look when she exposed herself? I’m guessing crazy stupid hot.

A New York Strip

officer-richard-evansA New York City police officer has been suspended after showing up for work with a sopped liver.

A Bronx cop was stripped of his gun and badge amid allegations that he was drunk on the job — and a photo emerged of him passed out in the stationhouse locker room with his beer belly exposed.

Officer Richard Evans was deemed “unfit for duty” during his midnight-to-8 a.m. shift in the 52nd Precinct in Norwood.

Someone at the scene also shot video of the allegedly drunken cop and made a complaint to 311. A sergeant responded, declared Evans fit for duty, and the cops all left without making any arrests.

Evans stayed in the field until a short time later, when a duty captain summoned him back to the precinct stationhouse. The captain interviewed Evans, declared him unfit for duty and immediately suspended him.

I assume the sergeant’s ineptitude will be explained away by claiming Officer Evans drank an entire gallon of vodka in the half hour between the sergeant’s evaluation and the captain’s.

Caption Contest Winners

Drunken Stummblebum

The Shelve Step Program Caption Contest has now concluded.

Top Five Entries:
5. You’re in luck, Wyatt! Someone will go to prom with you! – Proof
4. And the winner of “Best Drunken Face Plant This Weekend” is…….Caitlin Jenner. – Metoo
3. Step One: Admitting you have a problem… – Sully
2. One tequila, Two tequila, Floor! – TXNick

WINNER! – Sadly, the “Name the Hussy” contest’s most voted for name was Drunky McDrunkface. – Toothy

Put A Tiger In Your Skank

Jacqueline EideMeet Jacqueline Eide of Omaha, Nebraska. Now, I realize there are insufficient entertainment options in Nebraska, but one would think this drunken idiot could find something more enthralling than breaking into a zoo and petting a three-legged tiger.

A woman allegedly snuck into an Omaha zoo after hours Sunday morning and was bitten by a tiger when she tried to pet it. Jacqueline Eide, 33, was believed to have been intoxicated when she and a friend snuck into the Henry Doorly Zoo, the Omaha Police Department said.

Police were called to the Creighton University Medical Center regarding a patient who “was very aggressive” and non-cooperative.

Eide had made “unauthorized entry” into the zoo and reached into a tiger’s cage to pet it when the tiger bit her, causing severe injuries to multiple fingers on her left hand, and was then transported to the hospital by her friend. (H/TKari)

The friend being the one who most likely goaded this bint into petting a f**king tiger in the first place. Apparently this inebriated imbecile never learned you catch a tiger by its toe, bot its razor sharp fangs.

Oh well, you gotta hand it to Jacqueline; she really has a personality you can seek your teeth into.