Was He Driving The Powerful Mach 5?

Meet Michael Sewell of Clearwater, Florida.

Michael was just driving around town when he was pulled over by an eeeeevil police officer. The officer smelled alcohol emanating from Michael’s pores, and decided to break out the breathalyzer.

A Clearwater man who was arrested for allegedly driving under the influence had a blood alcohol level more than five times the legal limit.

FIVE TIMES the legal limit. How is this dude still alive?

According to an affidavit, deputies got a number of 911 calls about Michael Sewell, 42, driving a Nissan erratically in the area of East Lake Road and Eagle Cove Boulevard around 9:50 a.m. on Saturday, Sept. 10.

The deputy who pulled over Sewell noted his breath smelled like alcohol, he was unsteady on his feet and he had glassy and bloodshot eyes. He was unable to perform a field sobriety test.

I mean, sure, he shouldn’t have been driving after that much alcohol, but his hair is… perfect!

Pennsylvania Man Goes Commando

A Pennsylvania man in Elk County was arrested for alleged multiple traffic infractions, driving while drunk, oh, and did I mention the man was driving completely nude? Yeah, that breakfast doesn’t seem so good right now, does it?

A traffic stop turned into a possible DUI after the driver was reportedly driving nude when pulled over.

State police out of Ridgway stopped a vehicle on Aug. 10 around 10:45 p.m. for a standard traffic stop on Route 219, just south of Brandy Camp Road in Horton Township.

The worst part of this report? The man is sixty years old. Yikes!

Troopers reported that they stopped a Ford F-150 committing multiple traffic violations. The driver, 60-year-old Russell Mowrey, was pulled over and found to be naked behind the wheel.

I guess my only query would be this; “Sir where exactly did you place your wallet and ID?”

Milwaukee’s Best

Meet James Fuerstenau, a beer connoisseur which would put Laverne and Shirley to shame. James was driving through Caledonia, Wisconsin drinking some beers and having a good time, despite his driver’s license was revoked. Jimmy is not exactly Milwaukee’s Best.

Prosecutors say 51-year-old James Fuerstenau had open beer cans in his SUV at the time of his arrest. He is also charged with driving with a revoked driver’s license due to his prior OWI convictions, as well as misdemeanor bail jumping.

It’s difficult to believe someone from the Milwaukee area would be drinking alcohol.

A Racine County sheriff’s deputy made a traffic stop on an SUV reported for reckless driving near 7 Mile Road Interstate 41/94 in Caledonia. As deputies approached the SUV, the driver, since identified as Fuerstenau, dropped his keys out of the window and got out before being told to do so.

Maybe that’s where he got the lump, or tumor, on the top of his head?

Once in custody, per the complaint, Fuerstenau admitted to using cocaine and smoking marijuana earlier in the day, too. He also admitted to drinking what was found in the SUV while he was driving and said: “I was drinking and driving.” The complaint also states he told deputies he had been drinking since he was 9 years old and that he “drinks alcohol like it is coffee.”

Pfft, lightweight. I’ve been drinking Hawaiian Punch since I was six, and I never got arrested.

Wait, You Can Riverdance On Land?

Meet Amy Ann Harrington of St. Petersburg, Flori-Duh. Amy was having a very good time at the bar when she decided to drive herself home. That was her first mistake. Her second mistake was the dancing…

A Florida Woman suspected of drunk driving performed “multiple ballet and Irish folk dance moves” while undergoing field sobriety tests after rear-ending a vehicle late Wednesday evening.

If I’m going to be brutally honest, I would have loved to see her dancing on the highway. I mean, she’s obviously a pretty woman.

Amy Ann Harrington, 38, was arrested on a DUI charge following a crash near her residence in Madeira Beach, a city 10 miles from St. Petersburg. Police allege that Harrington “showed multiple signs of impairment during roadside sobriety tests.”

Harrington smelled of alcohol, had “slurred speech,” and “was unsteady on her feet,” police charge. When asked to perform one-leg stand and walk-and-turn tests, Harrington instead broke out her cross-disciplinary dance moves.

If Amy was able to do a perfect split, I absolutely would have let her go with a warning.

Hailing From Parts Unknown

A Flori-Duh man got himself all hopped up on goofballs and decided to drive the Dade City highways at a high rate of speed. The good news is he was arrested. The bad news is he ran over a woman’s body parts.

The Florida Highway Patrol says a drunk Florida man ran over detached body parts during a hit-and-run investigation Sunday. He also nearly struck two deputies, prompting a high-speed chase.

Authorities were investigating the death of a 49-year-old woman who was walking along a grassy shoulder of a Dade City roadway before being struck by a hit-and-run driver at 3:30 a.m. Authorities found her torso on the shoulder and her legs in the roadway.

When I was in patrol, I had to handle incidents on Interstate 95. It’s a scary proposition, especially when you’re handling jobs on the overnight shift with cars flying past you at 70mph.

Thomas Krummen, 23, approached the scene at a high speed, driving directly at investigators. He ignored commands to stop, ran over the victim’s legs and fled. Troopers chased him and used a maneuver with a patrol car to force him to stop.

Probably the PIT maneuver. You strike the rear of the vehicle and put it into a spin. I’ve seen it in action.

Krummen was charged with aggravated assault with a motor vehicle upon a law enforcement officer, reckless driving, DUI, fleeing and eluding, destruction of evidence, driving while license revoked and false imprisonment.

It was the eighth time he’s been arrested in Pasco County in less than four years.

Twenty-three years old and he’s been arrested eight times in four years. Maybe it’s time to throw the book at this clown before he kills someone with his vehicle?

Can Someone Give Him A Lite?

A Florida man named Gregory Sorensen was arrested by the Florida Highway patrol the other day, after he was found to be driving under the influence. Oh, did I mention Mr. Sorensen is a driving instructor?

According to FHP, Gregory Sorensen, 54, was pulled over driving on US 19 south of Pasco Way in a vehicle used to teach student drivers.

Troopers said Sorensen failed multiple sobriety tests and had a blood alcohol content of nearly three times the legal limit.

In Sorensen’s defense, you’d drunk too if you had to teach a bunch of snot-nose kids all day.

Troopers also located an open 24-pack of Natural Lite Beer in the back seat.

Wow, dude is a grown man and he as drinking Natty Lite? Wow, that’s definitely a violation.

She’s So Cool, She’s White!

Meet Tammera Megan Lee of Nashville, Tennessee. Tammera likes to have a good time once in a while, and when she wants to party, she really let’s herself go. In this case she was abusive to a black police officer and claimed the dumbest excuse for a DUI I have ever heard.

“I’ll get away with it cause I’m white.”

That is what Tammera Megan Lee, 42, told Officer Ronald Conner of the Metro Nashville Police Department while being arrested for suspicion of DUI, according to the affidavit submitted by the arresting officer.

Maybe this drunk didn’t get the message, but whites don’t get away with anything anymore. Not since the election of Barack Hussein Obama and the Saint George Floyd riots, anyway.

Officer Conner, who is a Black man, states in his affidavit that he arrived at the scene when Lee drove her car into a secure lot reserved for members of the Davidson County Sheriff’s Office.

That is when the defendant allegedly became “more belligerent,” and informed Officer Conner of her belief as to why she would “get away with it.”

This may surprise you, but Tammera did not only not get away with it, but she was arrested and sent to Metro Nashville Jail before eventually making bail.

Begun, The Egg Roll Defense Has

Meet Maria Jurgilewicz of St. Petersburg, Florida.

Maria is obviously a sexy beast, and she likes to feel good all the time, especially when she’s driving. She is also an egg roll aficionado, and that fetish will come into play in a moment.

Upon spotting a vehicle drifting between lanes on a St. Petersburg roadway around 2 AM Sunday, police conducted a traffic stop to “check the well being of the driver for sick, injured or impaired,” according to court filings.

When a sheriff’s deputy approached driver Maria Jurgilewicz, 45, “the defendant had a distinct odor of an alcoholic beverage coming from her breath.” Jurgilewicz, the cop added, had “difficulty following simple instructions” and “her speech appeared to be slurred and mumbled.”

Wow, she looked pretty in control in her mug shot, amirite?

Asked about her erratic “driving pattern” Jurgilewicz “claimed it was due to her eating an eggroll while driving.”

If I had a dime for every time I ate an egg roll while driving I’d have, um, zero dimes.

While arrest affidavits make no mention of an egg roll (or egg roll fragments) being found in Jurgilewicz’s auto, cops did seize “several different types of pills,” including the opioid Tramadol, from the car. A straw with “white powdered residue on the inside was found near the pills,” an investigator noted.

Now I’m no detective, but I’m reasonably sure the straw was just a Pixy Stix.

Drunken Idiot Nearly Kills Twin Brother

A New Jersey teenager has been arrested after “allegedly” driving drunk, punching his sister, and nearly killing his twin brother. The family that flays together stays together.

The siblings of a West Caldwell 18-year-old charged in a drunken driving crash that seriously injured his twin brother begged him not to get behind the wheel as he tried to leave a house party in town.

Anthony Dattoli was “obviously intoxicated” when he made his way to an Audi A4 parked outside a home on Annin Road early on the morning of June 27.

Dattoli punched his sister in the face and then his twin brother jumped on the vehicle’s hood as they tried to stop him from driving.

I’ve seen that one or two times in my career, and it’s never a good idea.

Dattoli pulled away with his brother on the hood and drove almost three blocks before losing control of the car and slamming into a tree near the corner of Central Avenue and Taylor Drive at about 1:20 a.m.

Dattoli’s brother will have to have one of his legs amputated. Naturally, the idiot driver came away without a scratch. Here’s hoping he spends the bulk of his life in prison.

A Friend In Need Is A Friend Who’ll Plead

Meet Natasha Nancel and Melvil Arnt of Nashville, Tennessee.

Natasha was drinking a bit too much, but thought she was sober enough to drive home. When she crashed into a ditch, she decided to call Melvil. The comedy writes itself.

Metro Police responded to a crash at 12:04 AM Thursday morning at 2020 Cooper Lane, to a report of a vehicle crashed into a ditch. The driver of the crashed vehicle, identified as Natasha Nancel, was found outside her vehicle, and police note she smelled of alcohol and admitted to looking at her phone and swerving off the roadway. She told officers she had a glass of wine and an espresso martini at the Fox Bar just before driving.

Before police arrived, she had called her friend to assist her with her crashed vehicle. The friend, identified as Melvil Arnt, was observed by police while at the scene, and he admitted to striking Nancel’s crashed vehicle with his truck. He admitted to drinking “two beers” prior to driving.

Ironically, if this was Grand Theft Auto, Melvil would have received bonus points for striking Natasha’s car, but would have forfeited any extra boosts because the police caught him. Dumbass.