Begun, The Egg Roll Defense Has

Meet Maria Jurgilewicz of St. Petersburg, Florida.

Maria is obviously a sexy beast, and she likes to feel good all the time, especially when she’s driving. She is also an egg roll aficionado, and that fetish will come into play in a moment.

Upon spotting a vehicle drifting between lanes on a St. Petersburg roadway around 2 AM Sunday, police conducted a traffic stop to “check the well being of the driver for sick, injured or impaired,” according to court filings.

When a sheriff’s deputy approached driver Maria Jurgilewicz, 45, “the defendant had a distinct odor of an alcoholic beverage coming from her breath.” Jurgilewicz, the cop added, had “difficulty following simple instructions” and “her speech appeared to be slurred and mumbled.”

Wow, she looked pretty in control in her mug shot, amirite?

Asked about her erratic “driving pattern” Jurgilewicz “claimed it was due to her eating an eggroll while driving.”

If I had a dime for every time I ate an egg roll while driving I’d have, um, zero dimes.

While arrest affidavits make no mention of an egg roll (or egg roll fragments) being found in Jurgilewicz’s auto, cops did seize “several different types of pills,” including the opioid Tramadol, from the car. A straw with “white powdered residue on the inside was found near the pills,” an investigator noted.

Now I’m no detective, but I’m reasonably sure the straw was just a Pixy Stix.

Drunken Idiot Nearly Kills Twin Brother

A New Jersey teenager has been arrested after “allegedly” driving drunk, punching his sister, and nearly killing his twin brother. The family that flays together stays together.

The siblings of a West Caldwell 18-year-old charged in a drunken driving crash that seriously injured his twin brother begged him not to get behind the wheel as he tried to leave a house party in town.

Anthony Dattoli was “obviously intoxicated” when he made his way to an Audi A4 parked outside a home on Annin Road early on the morning of June 27.

Dattoli punched his sister in the face and then his twin brother jumped on the vehicle’s hood as they tried to stop him from driving.

I’ve seen that one or two times in my career, and it’s never a good idea.

Dattoli pulled away with his brother on the hood and drove almost three blocks before losing control of the car and slamming into a tree near the corner of Central Avenue and Taylor Drive at about 1:20 a.m.

Dattoli’s brother will have to have one of his legs amputated. Naturally, the idiot driver came away without a scratch. Here’s hoping he spends the bulk of his life in prison.

A Friend In Need Is A Friend Who’ll Plead

Meet Natasha Nancel and Melvil Arnt of Nashville, Tennessee.

Natasha was drinking a bit too much, but thought she was sober enough to drive home. When she crashed into a ditch, she decided to call Melvil. The comedy writes itself.

Metro Police responded to a crash at 12:04 AM Thursday morning at 2020 Cooper Lane, to a report of a vehicle crashed into a ditch. The driver of the crashed vehicle, identified as Natasha Nancel, was found outside her vehicle, and police note she smelled of alcohol and admitted to looking at her phone and swerving off the roadway. She told officers she had a glass of wine and an espresso martini at the Fox Bar just before driving.

Before police arrived, she had called her friend to assist her with her crashed vehicle. The friend, identified as Melvil Arnt, was observed by police while at the scene, and he admitted to striking Nancel’s crashed vehicle with his truck. He admitted to drinking “two beers” prior to driving.

Ironically, if this was Grand Theft Auto, Melvil would have received bonus points for striking Natasha’s car, but would have forfeited any extra boosts because the police caught him. Dumbass.

Our Best And Brightest

An off-duty Philadelphia police officer has been arrested and charged with aggravated assault and DUI after he allegedly plowed his personal vehicle into the front of a residence.

An off-duty Philadelphia police officer is facing drunken-driving charges after his car careened out of control and crashed into a couple’s home, critically injuring a woman and killing one of her dogs.

Police say 27-year-old Gregory Campbell, an officer with the 14th district, was driving his silver 2014 Dodge Dart north on Caroline Road near the Northeast Philadelphia Airport at 8.20pm on Saturday when it went airborne and smashed into a home in the 2800 block of Comly Road.

The residence is a five minute drive from my house.

The sedan smashed through the property, leaving a 53-year-old woman pinned under the vehicle and unconscious. She was taken to Jefferson Torresdale Hospital in critical condition. The woman’s 45-year-old husband was injured on his right arm, hand, hip, leg and back. Two dogs were also struck, one of them fatally.

The Philadelphia Fraternal Order of Police building is a block away from there. It’s located in an industrial park, and while the place hosts classes, weddings, parties, etc., most cops go there for the bar. Some get hammered and decide to drive home. Some make it, some do not.

For the record, I’ve been there three times in 26 years; all for retirement parties of coworkers.

Campbell was also taken to the hospital for treatment of a laceration to the head. Officials say he is facing charges of aggravated assault, driving under the influence and related offenses. He was arraigned on Sunday and had his bail set at 10 per cent of $40,000.

When we first heard the call, the rumor was the woman was dead. Glad to see she’s still alive, and hopefully the family will put up concrete pillars in front of the house from now on. As for the cop, well, that’s his mess to clean.

This Godforsaken Year Is Almost Over

While it’s conceivable that none of us will be attending a lavish New Year’s Eve party tonight – thanks fascist Democrat politicians – it is possible some of you will sneak out to get some thrills before the worst year in recorded history concludes.

Of course, your New Year’s Eve could be like mine last year, where I spent three hours waiting for someone to change Kyle’s tire on the coldest night of the year. He popped a tire on his way to a party, I sat and waited for the tow AFTER I drove him to the party. By time I got home, all the munchies were gone, because my kids are little piggies.

But I digress.

That said, the majority of people on the roads tonight will be either mildly toasted, or vomiting in their own laps. Don’t drink and drive, and if you have to drive, steer clear of populated roads. It’s a terrible night for accidents, especially fatals. I certainly cannot lose any more readers, and I’m not a good enough blogger to attract new ones.

Houdini Has Nothing On This Chick

Meet Jimena Gonzalez Ramirez of Flori-Duh.

Jimena was having a really bad day. She guzzled entirely too much beer, got stopped and arrested for DUI, then slipped out of her handcuffs, not once, not twice, but four times.

A woman arrested for a DUI managed to slip out of her handcuffs four times early Thursday morning, Lee County Sheriff’s Office reported.

Jimena Gonzalez Ramirez, 19, was caught drunk driving after crashing into another car around 1:24 a.m. on Alico Road and Jean Street. When she got out of the car, she was mumbling and struggling to stand.

Deputies took her to the hospital and then to the Lee County Jail. During that time, she repeatedly slipped out of her handcuffs.

Well, I guess that doesn’t bode well for suitors who purchase fur-lined handcuffs. That said, I’d drill that like a Texan looking for oil.

They Love The Pythons!

A New York woman was arrested after getting all hopped up on goofballs, stealing a reptile, and crashing her vehicle into a firehouse and two fire engines. All in all, I’d say it was a productive day.

A New York woman, Sarah Espinosa, 22, has been arrested for a rather odd offense after crashing her car while under the influence. That is unfortunately not particularly uncommon but she crashed her Prius into a firehouse while wearing a giant python around her neck. Beyond that curiosity, there is one aspect of her case that raises a question about redundant charging by prosecutors.

The most important question is this: since when did the NYPD start charging people for crimes again?

Espinosa is charged with stealing the snake from a local Petco and then later driving across a median, hitting another car, and then crashing into the New Hyde Park Fire House. In so doing, she damaged the garage and two engines.

But was the python okay?

She is charged with reckless endangerment, drug possession, DWI, petit larceny and reckless driving. My question is the redundancy of charging both reckless driving and reckless endangerment. The first would seem to subsume the second charge. (H/TMike AKA Proof)

The NYC DA probably added the second charge out of spite, knowing it would simply be dismissed at the preliminary hearing. And yes, before you’d ask, I’d tap that like Samuel Morse.

Someone Give This Guy A Hand

The Maryland State Police had an exciting evening recently, after a pickup truck slammed into one of their police cruisers. The driver was allegedly intoxicated, but he also had some other issues.

Last Friday at 1:55am, firefighters arrived at the scene of a DUI crash involving a Maryland State Police cruiser and a building.

A Chevy pickup struck the police SUV first, and then headed right into a East Coast Investments office building.

At that point police apprehended the driver of the pickup, Dayton James Webber of Charlotte Hall, who just happened to be a quadruple amputee.

One wonders what the offender’s defense could possibly be. “Yes sir, I realize I have no limbs, but I really thought I could competently drive my truck after drinking a twelve-pack of Budweiser.”

Bounty: The Quicker Liquor-Upper

Meet Bounty Cheramy.

Bounty was out for a drive through scenic Florida, taking in the salt air, the warm climate, and copious amounts of alcohol. Unfortunately, Bounty didn’t realize he was about to hit a giant piece of irony.

The 22-year-old was arrested for drunk driving early Sunday after allegedly slamming his Mazda into an electronic sign cautioning motorists to “Drive Sober or Get Pulled Over.”

According to a probable cause affidavit, cops found Cheramy outside his car around 12:30 AM on the Tamiami Trail in Port Charlotte on the state’s Gulf Coast. Cheramy’s auto had sustained “heavy front-end damage,” reported a deputy who also noted that “the county sign board trailer had been struck.”

Cheramy told police that he was talking on the phone when he “suddenly struck something,” but was unsure “what he had struck or how he hit it.”

Well, you struck the most appropriate euphemism for your alcohol problem, and you hit it because you made Lindsay Lohan look like a teetotaler.

Drunk Pillages The Villages

An elderly Florida man was arrested for DUI after crashing his golf cart on the campus of The Villages, a residence for old farts like this dude.

Investigators say Cary De Van, a former IBM manager, wrecked his ride early Thursday evening in a one-cart accident less than a mile from his home in The Villages, the country’s largest retirement community.

De Van apparently drove his red cart over a concrete curb, breaking its axle and dislodging the windshield. The golf cart is the preferred mode of transportation for elderly Villages people, who like to think of the sprawling development as “Florida’s friendliest hometown.”

It gets less friendly the more you destroy golf carts.

Upon contacting De Van, who was not injured in the wreck, police suspected that the octogenarian–who was slurring his words and smelled of booze–had been drinking. De Van was unsteady on his feet and unable to perform field sobriety tests. A pair of breath tests registered his blood alcohol content at nearly twice the .08 legal limit.

Well, at least Cary had a good reason to get sloshed…

While speaking with a cop, De Van reportedly explained that he “was watching President Trump on TV then got really mad at what he said.” De Van added that began consuming vodka after enduring the current president’s performance.

The best part for De Van is he’ll find some leftist judge to hear his case, and rule in Cary’s favor because Orange. Man. Bad.