Begun, The Egg Roll Defense Has

Meet Maria Jurgilewicz of St. Petersburg, Florida.

Maria is obviously a sexy beast, and she likes to feel good all the time, especially when she’s driving. She is also an egg roll aficionado, and that fetish will come into play in a moment.

Upon spotting a vehicle drifting between lanes on a St. Petersburg roadway around 2 AM Sunday, police conducted a traffic stop to “check the well being of the driver for sick, injured or impaired,” according to court filings.

When a sheriff’s deputy approached driver Maria Jurgilewicz, 45, “the defendant had a distinct odor of an alcoholic beverage coming from her breath.” Jurgilewicz, the cop added, had “difficulty following simple instructions” and “her speech appeared to be slurred and mumbled.”

Wow, she looked pretty in control in her mug shot, amirite?

Asked about her erratic “driving pattern” Jurgilewicz “claimed it was due to her eating an eggroll while driving.”

If I had a dime for every time I ate an egg roll while driving I’d have, um, zero dimes.

While arrest affidavits make no mention of an egg roll (or egg roll fragments) being found in Jurgilewicz’s auto, cops did seize “several different types of pills,” including the opioid Tramadol, from the car. A straw with “white powdered residue on the inside was found near the pills,” an investigator noted.

Now I’m no detective, but I’m reasonably sure the straw was just a Pixy Stix.