It’s My First Day

Ladies and gentleman, boys and girls, I give you the greatest employee the world has ever seen.

In Connecticut, police are trying to identify a man captured on surveillance camera stealing about $17,000 worth of merchandise from a gas station.

You read that right; the man stole $17,000 worth of items from the store, and then (I assume) he removed the items with a forklift or had a chopper land on the roof.

Cops say the guy got a job there, then proceeded to steal tens of thousands of dollars worth of stolen lottery tickets, cigarettes, and cash on his very first, and only, solo overnight shift.

Holy shit, that’s freakin’ epic! Most embezzlers wait a while – like their third or fourth day – until they start stealing the business blind. Kids, look up to this American hero. Soon we will all be singing songs about him and his works.

Then, the suspect disappeared.

Oh my God, is he Batman?

The man also stole his employment folder, which contained his personal information, so the store’s owner does not even know the worker’s name, Hamden police said in a statement Tuesday.

Congratulations dude, you’ve literally committed the perfect crime. I tip hat to you, and if you’re ever in the neighborhood, please… teach me!