People Say British Food Is Bad?

There is a new food craze in English markets, and they’re called “heavy fired buns.

Funny, that was my nickname in high school.

Anyway, the buns are burned and charred in the market, and apparently, English customers cannot get enough of them.

The “heavy fired” roll has apparently been a staple of Scottish bakeries for several decades. They are supposed to have an overcooked, black crust and be airy and slightly chewy inside, and while some people describe them as addictive, delicious, or spot-on, their charred interior puts a lot of people off. A heated debate between the two camps recently went viral on social media, after photos of some heavy-fired buns sold at a market in Manchester started doing the rounds online.

However, some people either couldn’t imagine putting a charred bread bun anywhere near their mouth or warned about the danger of eating burnt food in general, due to it reportedly being carcinogenic.

Eh, all the carbon is probably good for ya… or it’ll kill ya.

The Paper Chase

Ladies and gentlemen of Britain, the Andrex Corporation has some very encouraging news. They have a cache of 100 million rolls of toilet paper for England’s newest lockdown.

When the pandemic struck in March, shoppers reported difficulty in finding toilet paper after panic-buying emptied supermarket shelves. But this time, Kimberly-Clark said it was fully ready, with 100 million rolls in UK warehouses.

The firm said that whatever happened, it was “prepped for stockpiling”.

A fresh four-week lockdown is due to begin in England on Thursday, when shops selling non-essential goods will be required to close.

Supermarkets, which will remain open, are keen to avoid running out of items because of customers buying more than they need in anticipation of shortages.

Wow, I wouldn’t want to be a tree in the United Kingdom right now.

We Are Not Amused

Britain has passed legislation stating people cannot visit another person’s home for sex. Apparently it has to do with the Wuhan virus. Wow England, after centuries of world domination, it took you only seventy-five years to lose your testosterone.

Sex in your house with someone from outside of your household is set to become illegal tomorrow. The Government is introducing new lockdown measures that prevent people from socialising (or gathering) with one person from outside of their household in a private space.

Up until now the person visiting a house for sex would have been the one in breach of the measures – now both people would be able to be prosecuted under the law with a bill called Amendment Regulations being introduced in parliament tomorrow.

The new legislation explicitly bans being inside the house in a gathering of more than one person without a reasonable excuse.

I’m fairly certain gathering inside a residence to “smack the salmon” is the most reasonable excuse a human can muster. Benny Hill must be rolling over in his grave.