Florida Man Really Hates Brandon

Meet Jacob Ryan Philbeck of Palm Harbor, Flori-Duh.

Jacob is not your average Florida Man. Instead of pouring urine on someone’s lawn, or running around naked with fireworks in his pants, Jacob went above and beyond… by demanding F. Joe Biden be arrested and drug kingpin El Chapo be released.

Hmm, I wonder if Jacob has a newsletter?

The 29-year-old made a series of 911 calls early yesterday to inform police dispatchers that President Joe Biden should be jailed, while convicted drug lord Joaquín “El Chapo” Guzmán should be freed from custody.

Now, I don’t necessarily want to be “that guy,” but even a cursory glance at the Biden Crime Family’s corruption and ill-gotten monetary gains should at the very least should raise eyebrows.

Of course, the suggestion El Chapo should be freed is idiotic, even for Florida Man.

In response to that legal advice–offered in three separate predawn calls–Philbeck was arrested for misuse of the 911 system, a misdemeanor.

Dialing from an apartment in Palm Harbor, a Tampa suburb, Philbeck was initially informed that “the information he was providing was a non-emergency situation.” Philbeck was also warned not to use the 911 system in such a manner.

Wait a minute. You mean I can start arresting all the morons who call the division day and night with their stupid questions? I’m going to need to purchase a few more sets of handcuffs.

Florida Man Holes Up In Bar

A Florida man performed his best Johnny Ringo impersonation inside a Pensacola bar this week, and suffice to say, his quick draw needs a lot of work.

A man showing off his new gun to patrons in a Florida bar ended up shooting himself with the weapon instead.

The unidentified knucklehead was inside O’Riley’s Uptown Tavern in Pensacola at 11 p.m. Thursday when he pulled out the gun to show it to a man and a woman at the bar, the Pensacola News Journal reported Friday.

The man then made a quick motion to put the gun into an imaginary holster under his shoulder when the gun went off and a bullet struck his torso.

Hey, yutz! Guns aren’t toys. They’re for family protection, hunting dangerous or delicious animals, and keeping the King of England out of your face.

Florida Is For The Dogs

A Polk County, Florida woman was stopped by police for transporting a Florida man in the back of her pickup truck. Oh, did I mention the man was also held in a dog cage? So yeah… kinky.

A Florida woman practicing either misguided passenger safety methods or some extremely public dom/sub sexual humiliation play was pulled over in Polk County, Florida because a Florida man locked in a dog cage was in the bed of the Ford F150 pickup truck she was driving.

What was going on here? Fingers crossed for the public dominatrix angle, mostly because putting the man in a dog cage in the back of a giant pickup is one-hundred percent the Florida redneck version of a man being walked on a leash. Nothing screams “treat me like a dog” to that region like being questionably secured and endangered in the back of a speeding pickup truck. (H/T – Jim F.)

I have seen more than my share of bizarre police tales in twenty-five years, but I must admit, I have never pulled over a car which had a human locked in a dog cage.