The Manatees Will Be Glowing

While you may think this photo is of Stacey Abrams and Ana Navarro, it is actually a photo of Florida manatees. Florida state wildlife officials are looking to protect the manatees as they congregate near the Florida Power & Light power plant.

Hoping to protect manatees as they congregate this winter, state wildlife officials Tuesday issued an emergency rule that will temporarily prevent boating in an area of the Indian River Lagoon near a Florida Power & Light power plant.

The Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission rule will create a “no entry zone,” effective Nov. 15, in water adjacent to FPL’s Cape Canaveral Energy Center and in an intake canal. Manatees gather near the power plant in the winter because of warm water.

You maniacs, this is EXACTLY how Godzilla came to power!

The commission also issued a similar 90-day emergency rule in December 2021, as it grappled with a record number of manatee deaths. Emergency rules are only temporary. A notice published Tuesday in the Florida Administrative Register said the commission during a meeting Nov. 30 and Dec. 1 will start the process of creating a permanent rule on the issue.

I anxiously await the manatees new brains which overtake those of humans; although the manatees are already much smarter than John Fetterman.

He’s Played Knifey-Spoony Before!

A Florida alligator had a really bad day after witnesses observed the gator with a knife in its skull. Paging Paul Hogan, please pick up the green phone.

An alligator was recently euthanized after it was found swimming in a Volusia County pond with a knife stuck in its head.

The Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission said photos of the gator were posted to social media, prompting an investigation.

Maybe it was decorative, and the gator was simply getting ready for Halloween?

FWC officers captured the alligator over the weekend and euthanized it because of its injuries. It’s not known who stabbed the gator in the head.

My guess would be the gator’s jealous wife. She’s always been a bitch.

Good News From Florida

Florida Governor Ron DeSantis – arguably the greatest Republican politician in America – has received $109 million from contributors and donors. I almost feel badly for his opponent, who will likely be destroyed in a rout.

In Florida, Gov. Ron DeSantis is the No. 1 fundraiser in state politics in the 2022 election cycle so far.

According to the most recent campaign finance reports made to the Florida Secretary of State, the governor received $109,869,159 in total contributions and spent $13,706,657 between January 1, 2021 and December 31, 2021. DeSantis is running for re-election in 2022.

DeSantis is a Republican who first assumed office in 2019.

Since I believe President Trump will run in 2024, DeSantis can spend four more years as governor, then jump right into the presidential race in 2028. He’s certainly young enough, and would be a fantastic president. Plus, his wife is crazy stupid hot.

Keep Away From Runaround Bijoux

Meet Beatrice Bijoux, a (former) lawyer from Florida.

Beatrice was having a bad day, so she decided she would run down four people in a local parking lot. You know, because “the voices in her head” told her to do so.

Beatrice Bijoux, 31, was charged with four counts of attempted murder after she allegedly mounted the sidewalk and struck the pedestrians outside a Fort Lauderdale grocery store back in February.

She told cops that “voices in her head had told her to kill the people,” according to an arrest report obtained by the Miami Herald. Bijoux, who was allegedly driving at about 35 mph, made no attempt to slow down during the attack, police said.

At one point, surveillance video showed her “reversing at a high rate of speed” before she allegedly tried to strike another pedestrian. (H/T – Mike AKA Proof)

Now, if I know my video games, Beatrice gets 100 points for striking a pedestrian, and if she strikes five pedestrians, she gets a free life. Not that she’ll ever be free from here on out…

A True Humanitarian

Meet Donald Ray Walker of Fori-Duh.

Donald is a big man with a big heart. That is, when he isn’t beating the living daylights out of elderly men.

Winter Haven police identified a man Monday wanted in connection with a vicious attack on a 73-year-old that was captured on video over the weekend.

In a Facebook post, police said authorities are searching for Donald Ray Walker, 43, of Indian Lake Estates, an unincorporated community in Polk County.

Donald is probably so angry because he’s bald.

According to police, a warrant has been issued for Walker, who they say was caught on video Saturday “pummeling” the man, who was walking out of the Publix at Southeast Plaza along Cypress Gardens Boulevard.

Police said Walker sped by the man in a pewter-colored Ford F-250, and the man yelled to the driver. An argument ensued, and the truck drove away. Police said the driver of the truck, later identified as Walker, got out and punched the man repeatedly. Walker also smashed the man’s cellphone on the ground, preventing him from calling for help.

One wonders if Donald has ever fought someone his age, since this pussy only fights octogenarians.

Yanks For The Mammaries

A Florida man had some explaining to do when he was literally caught with his pants down while ogling a woman inside her residence.

Deputies in Volusia County captured the arrest of 37-year-old Javier Orozco Gutierrez on body cameras Saturday evening.

According to authorities, deputies had been monitoring the area all week after receiving reports of a man exposing himself to a woman. While surveilling the home, deputies said they caught Gutierrez in the act, with his pants down outside the victim’s home.

It’s the classic conundrum, do you finish, or pull up your pants?

Police said Gutierrez told deputies he was out to get some exercise.

Now, I’m no health expert, but I don’t believe Yankin’ Your Doodle, It’s A Dandy is considered exercise by the President’s Council on Fitness, Sports and Nutrition.

Three Cheers For Florida!

Lord knows I poke fun of Florida and some of their less-than-reputable residents, and sometimes it’s warranted, sometimes not. Today, however, I plan to praise Florida; specifically the sunbathers at Panama City Beach.

Briana Stelmachers and her family were lounging outside the Emerald Isle Resort in Panama City Beach on Wednesday when they heard a woman screaming for help.

A little girl had gotten pulled out in the tide, and a woman had successfully swum out to save her, but a second woman involved in the rescue effort had herself gotten stuck. That’s when Ryan, Briana’s husband, took a raft and tried to rescue the woman, but the surf was too rough and he struggled to reach her.

The safe return was thanks to dozens of people coming together across the beach to form a human chain and reach out into the water.

Damn fine work, Floridians! You did yourselves proud.

FL Will Allow Armed Paramedics

Florida Governor Ron DeSantis has signed a bill which will allow paramedics to be armed when responding to dangerous calls. The medics will have to attend firearms and tactical training beforehand.

A new law in Florida will allow paramedics to carry firearms when responding to shootings, drug raids and other high-risk situations.

Gov. Ron DeSantis signed the measure Friday, June 7. It says paramedics don’t have to retreat and are justified in using force to defend themselves or others bodily harm.

The law takes effect July 1. It identifies other such instances as dealing with an armed suicidal person and hostage situations.

Medical professionals carrying firearms are required to complete annual firearm safety training and tactical training, the measure says.

Similar to the bill allowing teachers to be armed, this bill is not mandatory for paramedics. Having said that, I believe this is a good idea. I’ve seen more than a few medics hurt while responding to high-risk calls, so I’m all for them carrying if they feel comfortable.

Have It Her Way

Meet Natasha Ethel Bagley of, well, guess the state. Natasha is a charming woman(?) who occasionally treats herself(?) to fast food. She(?) chose Burger King recently, and apparently became upset when she(?) was not given a five-finger discount for fries.

Natasha Ethel Bagley, 42, and her girlfriend, 27-year-old Genesis Peguero, went to the Burger King April 2 and asked for free fries at the drive thru. When an employee refused, the two women allegedly parked and walked into the restaurant.

This woman(?) is only 42? Holy shnikes!

Peguero hopped over the counter and, with her hands in her pockets, claimed she had a pistol and demanded the manager give them all of the money in the register.

When the unidentified female manager tried to call police, Peguero punched the woman in the face. Police say Bagley joined in, helping Peguero assault the manager.

Good grief, considering the thoroughly feminine body Bagley is sporting, it’s a miracle the manager was not beaten to death. No worries, though, because I hear prison fries are just as good as Burger King’s.

Who Wants Beef Jerky?

A Florida woman – of course – found the carcass of a unique looking animal in her backyard. Now no one seems to know what the hell it is.

A dead creature found Friday in the backyard of a Titusville home is creating an online buzz.

The mystery started when Kelly Garrahan, who lives near Diary and Diamond roads, snapped photos of the carcass and posted them on Facebook.

“I found this in my yard…has anyone seen this thing before or know what it could be?” The mystery creature is an estimated 2 to 3 feet long from tip to tail.

A biologist told Garrahan the animal was an opossum, but others had their own ideas, including a coyote, a dog, the skin of an alligator, a dead otter or even a chupacabra.

Pennsylvania (and parts of Philadelphia) are chock full of possums, and I’d see them all the time when I worked the overnight shift. No offense to the biologist, but I don’t believe for a minute that it’s a possum carcass. I’m leaning toward chupacabra.