Mister Livingston, I Presume?

This handsome devil is George C. Livingston, of Palm Beach, Florida. (Why is it always Florida?) While George may seem like a paranoid psychopath, he is actually a Knight of the Round Table, smiting his perceived enemies with a goddamned sword.

George C. Livingston, 51, was arrested after a man was found dead and covered in blood next to a three-foot sword near railroad tracks on Saturday, according to the Sun Sentinel.

Law enforcement reportedly responded to a call in which someone reported “a subject covered in blood was lying next to the railroad tracks.”

The victim, identified by the Palm Beach County Sheriff’s Office as David Beckett, 58, had “visible injuries consistent with a violent attack,” a spokesperson for the sheriff’s office said. Livingston and Beckett reportedly both lived at a nearby homeless camp.

So this piece of garbage has no home, no money, and no job, but he was able to procure a three-food sword? Can we please just saw off Florida and let it drift out to sea?

The Croc Hunter

Meet Juliana Osso of Orange County, Florida. Like many of her peers, Juliana like to take a dip in the local watering hole. Unlike her peers, Juliana is the baddest girl in the lake.

Juliana Ossa, 10, was swimming in a Florida lake Sunday when, out of nowhere, a nine-foot alligator attacked her.

She screamed in pain as the gator took hold of her leg but she was able to pry open his mouth and take her leg out.

Ossa was pulled to safety and two lifeguards bandaged her bleeding leg. Ossa was able to walk after she got ten stitches in her leg.

What an epic badass. Hats off to you, Juliana; you are easily the toughest girl in Florida. Get well soon.

Dammit, Janet!

janet-elena-brooks-florida

Meet Florida’s Janet Elena Brooks, a woman who personifies the term “Bitches Be Crazy.”

Janet Elena Brooks, 22, came to Lake and Polk County sheriff’s offices and said she had been abducted by a man in the parking lot of a Clermont-area apartment complex and forced into the trunk of his car before being left at a Polk County-area dog park. Deputies said they reviewed surveillance footage and saw Brooks leaving the property and walking toward a road in the area she said she was abducted in.

When they confronted her, Brooks admitted that she made the story up because she thought another woman was interested in her boyfriend and she “just wanted to see if he truly cared about her,” deputies said.

While it’s true that cray-cray bitches are amazing in the sack, Brooks is by no means hot enough to pull that off. Ironically, she is apparently not even hot enough to be kidnapped. Sad!

The Misadventures Of Sheriff Hobo

Tracy Briley Mug ShotMeet Tracy Briley.

Tracy is a homeless man from Florida who likes to eat out, and his favorite entree is seafood; specifically, clams.

A Treasure Island Police Department officer found Tracy Briley, 50, with his shorts at his ankles and “penis out in plain view” around 1 PM Wednesday. Briley, the cop noted, “was performing cunnilingus on a female subject laying on the beach boardwalk.”

Briley told the officer that he was an “emergency responder and had to assist the female as it was his duty.”

Wait a minute, first responders are allowed to “assist” women with their tongues? Why was I not informed, and how can I transfer to Waikiki Beach?

When Officer Zakariah Dorman arrived on the boardwalk, Briley’s companion – who is not identified in the complaint – was clothed. She was subsequently transported to a local hospital in “reference to a medical issue.”

I’m not a doctor, but I’ll go out on a limb and say the woman caught more crabs that day than the crew of the Time Bandit.

Woman Stabbed At Nudist Colony

Sunspot Gardens Naturist Resort

My assumption is the woman was stabbed with a knife, and not, you know, a penis.

The woman, 18, arrived at the resort on North Road late Saturday by bicycle for a pit stop on her journey from Georgia to the Keys. Thinking she had found a campground, it pleased her to to find out she had stumbled upon a nudist resort. She enjoyed dancing to music played by a live band Saturday night.

In the morning, wanting to explore the resort, the woman went out on the nature trail. A person described by the woman as “young” confronted and stabbed her about 9:30 a.m. It is unknown whether the assailant resided at the resort.

Hard to believe something like this would happen in Florida, huh? I’m surprised the woman did not have a gaggle of dudes escorting her on a continual basis. I mean, finding an 18-year old at a nudist colony must be like seeing a unicorn.

I do have one question, however: how did this man smuggle a knife into a nudist resort without severely injuring his colon?

Down Goes Vader! Down Goes Vader!

Darth Vader Robs Florida Convenience StoreA Florida man’s plans to rob a Jacksonville convenience store went horribly wrong when he found himself front-stage, center of The Cashier Strikes Back.

Jacob Jeremy Mercer, 32, was arrested in the attempted armed robbery of Jacksonville Beach’s 8 til Late store. The mask-wearing thief entered the store with a pistol and demanded cash.

With no light saber around, a store clerk picked up the next best thing – a bottle of salad dressing – and hurled it at the Vader wannabe, who turned and fled. A man identified only as Ricardo told First Coast News he saw the thief leaving the store with a bloody face from where the bottle struck him. (H/T – TXNick)

Mr. Incredible, Darth Vader… I’m old enough to remember when thugs robbed banks while wearing presidential masks. What, did none of you see Point Break?

Little Miss Sunshine State

Liann WatsonMeet Liann Watson. Liann is a 45-year old…

Holy sh*t, this chick is 45? Did she look directly into the Ark of the Covenant? Oh sorry, I was distracted by Clayface’s mug shot.

Liann is a 45-year old woman who loves the finer things in life; namely, cigarettes and chicken wings. Being a taxpaying citizen, Liann felt it necessary to have police officers deliver smokes and wings to her residence. You know, because she pays their salary.

A 45-year-old female in Florida allegedly called emergency services, to ask for chicken wings and cigarettes to be sent round to her home. Liann Watson is accused of making the call to the Lake County Sheriff’s Office.

Police responded to an apartment in Clermont, following her pleas that she would pass out if the chicken wings and smokes were not delivered. Watson told the call handler she had been drinking and therefore couldn’t drive, requesting that police take the items to her.

Apparently then, she repeatedly asked cops for a cigarette and if they could take her to get some – before kicking the police car roof and slamming her body into the vehicle’s partition on her way to county jail. (H/T – L-Frame)

Anyone want to bet some ambulance chaser will take this wildebeest’s case and sue the police department for not protecting his terribly injured client? Imagine what a million dollars can do for Liann’s cigarette and wing stash!