True Detective Stories

Before we begin, I would like to start with a cathartic rant. I hate this city, I hate this department, and I hate 85% of the police officers in my division!

So last night was invigorating. We had four detectives – which seems like a hundred these days – and immediately the stupid started wafting in. Diego caught a stolen auto arrest, Jake the Snake caught a robbery, and nor Wences caught a shooting incident. This was mostly in the first two hours.

Salma Hayek was virtually unscathed… until 9pm.

In a move I don’t believe I have ever seen before in my career, two district sergeants brought in an arrest. This is fairly unusual, because sergeants should be supervising their retarded officers instead of looking for arrests. The department frowns upon supervisors arresting people, because that means court overtime. The city is bankrupt, so two sergeants getting called down to court and making money is a no-no.

Why these two dolts were driving around together was beyond my comprehension, because there were plenty of patrol cars in the lot. Either way, these two “soon-to-be upper echelon bosses” decided they would make a few car stops, which is also usually a big no-no for supervisors. Believe me when I tell you the city would rather see an officer hurt than a supervisor.

So these jackasses bring up their paperwork at 9pm, a full hour after they stopped the vehicle. I noticed neither of these wise men thought it would be prudent to get a search warrant, and they simply decided to toss the vehicle. S-M-R-T

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True Detective Stories

Come and listen to my story about a man who’s dumb, a poor fat detective who couldn’t find his thumb, but then one day he was lookin’ at some food, when he realized he’s an idiotic boob. Diego, that is…

Tuesday was interesting. Diego the Idiot Detective volunteered for overtime on the graveyard shift, because they are effectively a skeleton crew. The bosses have been begging detectives to work some OT, but there are few takers. Anyway, Dummy was given an arrest where the officers locked up two utes, each for possession of a handgun. The job came in at 4:29am. Remember that for later.

I walk into the building at 6:35am and see two rookie cops struggling with their paperwork. I glance to my right and see Diego “tutoring” these young officers, and wondered if I should just turn around and take a sick day. I settled into my desk and started entering Monday’s unassigned jobs…

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True Detective Stories

There is a theorem among certain circles which claims female police officers are somewhat less capable of doing the job than men. In nearly twenty-seven years in law enforcement, I can honestly say this is partially true. Yes, there plenty of useless sacks of protoplasm. The pretty girls who spend a week in patrol before being transferred to some captain’s staff, or the whiny bitches who refuse to handle a job without backup. Or the badge bunnies who sleep their way to a cushy daywork, weekends off spot.

There are also some smart, tough, hardcore female police officers in my department; people who I have called friends. They do the job and do it well, and have no compunction about getting their hands dirty.

The female officers in this story are nothing like the latter.

So Frick and Frack called the division around 5:30pm Tuesday. Unfortunately, I picked up the phone and had to suffer through the idiocy. Frick stated she and Frack stopped a vehicle and they recovered a firearm. The offender stated he applied for a Permit to Carry, so Frick wanted me of all people to run the permit through the system… because apparently I work for these two bints.

“You do know you can run it through your Mobile Data Terminal in your car, right? Of you could also call the Gun Permits Unit, and they would tell you right away.”

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True Detective Stories

While I knew it wouldn’t be long before I had an encounter with Diego The Idiot Detective, but I didn’t think it would happen a half hour into my first day back.

Since this dolt was working the front desk while I was on vacation, he was first up for an arrest, and a firearms arrest was waiting as we walked in the door. I may have mentioned this before, but gun arrests now have all new protocols for processing. The gun needs to be swabbed for DNA, as does the offender (after search warrants are obtained), and more forms need to be completed; preferably be someone competent.

The irony of the new protocols is the Soros-appointed D.A. will simply drop the charges anyway.

After processing the arrest and getting the story from the officers, Diego started his White Paper – a document which is sent to bosses city-wide. The WP has specifically defined guidelines, which are identical for every division. The sergeant was patiently waiting for the paper, so he could make the necessary corrections. (Corrections for Diego are a given, despite the fact he claims he’s wicked smaht.)

9am: Diego turns in his first draft. After a cursory inspection, the sergeant rejects the WP for spelling. Oh, Diego also had the wrong defendant’s name on the paper, and had another detective listed as the assigned. The jackass used someone else’s white paper and forgot to change the names…

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True Detective Stories

Saturday mornings are usually quiet in the division. Most of the thugs aren’t awake until noon, and the good people are busy enjoying their days off.

Of course, all that changes when I’m working a Saturday morning.

I walked into the building, headed to my desk, and saw a pile of paperwork lying there. One of the overnight detectives came up to me and explained the mess. The short version was three jobs were waiting; a commercial robbery, a fatal fire, and a gun arrest.

I gave the gun arrest to one of the better detectives, because I knew it would be processed correctly. Sadly, the cop could not be processed correctly. His “story” went like this: The officer stopped a car for a traffic violation. There were four occupants of the vehicle, and for some reason, the officer decided to take everyone out and search the car. During the search, the officer found a loaded pistol in the rear of the car, recovered it, and – for some reason – arrested the three passengers, while letting the driver go on his merry way.

Now, I’m old school, so the fact an officer would arrest three people for possession of one firearm boggles my mind. Unless all three of them were holding the pistol at the same time, I don’t get the reasoning. I also don’t understand how you release the driver after arresting three of the passengers. I mean, the kid was new and stupid, but how does a street supervisor not intervene here?

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True Detective Stories

Well, it didn’t take long for Diego the Idiot Detective to get on my last damned nerve. Saturday night was crazy busy, and unfortunately, Diego landed a big gun job. For the most part, he processed the scene an the evidence without completely ruining everything, but what he said after processing the gun was one for the record books.

When we recover a gun, it has to be swabbed for DNA. Sometimes the DNA will come back to the owner, or any thug who happened to pick up the pistol. Dummy took the swab and walked up to the sergeant to begin likely the dumbest conversation I have ever heard.

Diego: “Hey Sarge, was that pistol unloaded when it was brought in?”

*Head hits desk* Since it’s policy to unload recovered weapons immediately, you already know the answer, dumbass. When the sergeant told Diego yes, he doubled down on the stupid…

Diego: “So there was no round in the chamber?”

Yes, you colossal f**king idiot! If the gun was unloaded, it means there is no f**king round in the chamber! Jesus Christ, are you completely incapable of conceiving a cogent thought? Moron!

Run And Gun Offense


Meet Philadelphia Eagles linebacker Nigel Bradham. Nigel is a special kind of stupid, and someone who should never be allowed to carry a water pistol, let alone a loaded firearm.

Among the most crucial packing hints for air travel would be, even if you have a permit to carry a gun, don’t forget it’s in your backpack and try to run it through an airport X-ray machine.

This lesson was reinforced for Eagles linebacker Nigel Bradham Sunday in Miami, when he embarked on his return from the team’s bye week and ended up arrested. Bradham was jailed and booked on a second degree misdemeanor concealed weapons charge, before posting $500 bail.

Ever the British gentleman, Nigel’s actions since entering the NFL have been above reproach…

Bradham would have been cited had he not already been out on bond from his July arrest in Miami over an altercation with a hotel beach umbrella stand operator.

Huzzah! A true pillar of the community. Let’s all rush out and immediately throw our hard-earned money at the Philadelphia Eagles, and the NFL as a whole.