Caption Contest Winners

The Grandma’s Got A Gun Caption Contest is now over.

Top Five Entries:
5. The year after Grandma got run over by a reindeer, her theme song became “Won’t get fooled again”. – Mike AKA Proof
4. Somewhere a T-1000 has a box of cookies but no plasma rifle. – Veeshir
3. Food fights with grandma can get a bit crazy. – Cathy
2. Grandma Betty shows off her accessorizing skills learned over a lifetime, matching her red cotton top with her Westinghouse 2029 pulsed laser rifle. Looks like Betty’s all set for a night on what’s left of the town! – Mitchell O Strand

WINNER! – I paid full price for this lap dance, and you still have three minutes to gyrate. Now move! – Barry D.

Houston, We Have A Problem

A riot broke out in a Houston-area Popeye’s restaurant this week, all because the location ran out of chicken sammiches. No offense. TXNick, but I may be rethinking my move to the Lone Star State.

Among the hungry mob were two women and three men, who reportedly stopped at the drive-thru in southeast Houston on Scott Street and Corder just after 9pm Monday. But the routine transaction quickly took a dramatic turn when the employee at the window told them their supplies of the new and infamous Popeyes chicken sandwich had run dry.

In response, all five of the currently unidentified suspects tried to force their way inside the restaurant, with one of the men even pulling out a gun refusing to take no for an answer.

Throughout the ordeal, the group left a baby unattended in the back seat of their blue SUV.

Well, at least the parents’ priorities are in order.

I’ve had Popeye’s before, and it’s pretty good, That said, Kyle was recently at a Raising Cane’s restaurant, and he claims it’s the best fast food chicken he has ever tasted.

Romero And Juliet

Meet Jesse Romero, America’s oldest high school student. Jesse is on the eleven-year graduation plan, which will soon be adding another five to ten.

A 25-year-old community high school student who also worked for the school district was arrested on Tuesday and charged with possession of a gun on school grounds.

Officers were sent to McLain Community High School on West 2nd Place around 10 a.m. due to reports of a student with a gun. Another student at the school reportedly saw Jesse Romero with a gun and told staff as soon as he could.

Staff and Jeffco Safety and Security put the school on lockdown immediately and Romero was taken into custody. According to the Police Department, a gun was taken from Romero. (H/T – TXNick)

Jesse told female students he was working on the “21 Jump Street” program, because that makes it easier for a 25-year old to get into a freshman’s pants.

The Square Root Of Idiocy

An Ohio student was suspended from school and investigated by police after he said a square root sign looked like a gun.

The Allen Parish Sheriff’s Department responded to a comment that an Oberlin High School student made about the square root symbol looking like a gun.

Allen Parish School District Superintendent Michael Doucet explained that it was a poorly judged quip between one student to another in a math class.

“A student made a math symbol of a square root sign, which kind of looks like a pistol. And he was helping a weaker student, and the student says, ‘Well, that looks like a pistol!’ And he just made a comment [like] ‘let’s just get to work before I shoot you with a pistol,” said Superintendent Doucet.

Gossip turned it into a rumor about the student plotting to carry out a mass shooting at Oberlin High School. The rumor warranted a search of the student’s home for guns.

So wait, gossip-turned-rumor is enough probable cause to obtain a search warrant in Ohio? Are you f**king kidding me?

“He did not commit a crime. He did not commit anything remotely criminal, nothing to remotely suggest any intent to do actual harm,” said Hebert.

In response, the school board set a new policy. Any student accused of talking about guns or school shootings will be investigated by three entities: the school board, the sheriff’s department, and the district attorney’s office.

While the student has been completely exonerated by police, Oberlin High School is still banning him from the school. These kinds of Draconian measures will eventually result in an expensive lawsuit.