Gwyneth Paltrow’s Vagina Exploded

Deranged Hollywood “actress” Gwyneth Paltrow is apparently selling candles which smell like her vagina. Why anyone would purchase a candle which smells like the East River is beyond me, but I digress. One London woman purchased the meat-flap candle, and it subverted her expectations.

A VAGINA-scented candle by Gwyneth Paltrow exploded into flames causing an “inferno” in a woman’s living room. Jody Thompson, 50, won the risque product sold by the Hollywood star and wellness guru in an online quiz.

The candle is described on Gwyneth’s Goop site as “funny, gorgeous, sexy and beautifully unexpected”.

You know what else was unexpected? The raging fire coming from Gwyneth’s vagina, er, candle.

But Jody was taken by ­surprise after lighting it when a 50cm flame leapt from the candle and out of the glass jar. The media consultant told The Sun: “The candle exploded and emitted huge flames, with bits flying everywhere.

Not for nothing, but if you purchase a vagina candle, you really should expect it to occasionally have a hot flash or an gushing orgasm.

The Breast Puzzle Ever!

Hollywood “actress” Gwyneth Paltrow may be the most unhinged celebrity this side of Michael Moore. This bint promoted an idea that women steam-cleaning their vaginas was a good idea, and now she’s giving her 14-year old son inappropriate gifts.

Gwyneth Paltrow revealed that she got her son, Moses, 14, a puzzle set consisting of several shapes and colors of breasts “for fun.”

The Goop founder opened up about the various things she’s doing to keep her and her family busy in a blog post titled “Summer at Home.” The “Iron Man” actress then revealed, “I got Moses the boob puzzle just for fun.”

The 450-piece puzzle was designed by Jiggy and illustrated by artist Julia Heffernan.

Now obviously, 14-year old Wyatt would have loved to receive a boob puzzle. Also obviously, he would not want to receive a boob puzzle from his mother. I mean, that’s just… ick.

Goop De Ville

When the first three words of a headline read, “Gwyneth Paltrow’s Goop,” you know you’re in for an unsettling read. In this case, Gwyneth’s Goop is being sued for not being scientifically genuine.

Damned shame. I always enjoyed Gwyneth’s goop.

Gwyneth Paltrow’s lifestyle company, Goop, has agreed to pay a settlement after it was accused of making unscientific claims regarding three of its products.

Goop says its $66 Jade Egg can help balance hormones, regulate menstrual cycles, and increase bladder control when inserted vaginally. However, 10 prosecutors from the California Food, Drug and Medical Device Task Force said in their lawsuit Goop’s claims “were not supported by competent and reliable science.”

So Goop sells jade eggs which are inserted into goopy vaginas?

Goop agreed to pay the $145,000 settlement but told SFGate in a statement, “While Goop believes there is an honest disagreement about these claims, the company wanted to settle this matter quickly and amicably.”

The other two products called into question were Goop’s $55 Rose Quartz Egg and its $22 Inner Judge Flower Essence Blend. Customers who purchased the products between Jan. 12, 2017 and Aug. 31, 2017 will be refunded.

I know less about vaginas than, well… anyone. I do however, seem to recall eggs are supposed to exit the cooch, not enter it. Although, to be fair, I was too busy trying to deploy my goop into my girlfriend’s pants instead of paying attention to the class.