The Long Cut

Meet Irshad.

Irshad is a handsome eligible bachelor who, like Johnny Appleseed, enjoys spreading his goop around. Unlike Johnny Appleseed, poor Irshad had his tree chopped down by an irate mistress.

A woman chopped off her lover’s penis after allegedly finding out he was marrying another woman.

The man, named only as 26-year-old Irshad, met up with his lover, 30, for ‘one last time’ before he was due to get married to a woman of his parents’ choice.

But after finding out about the marriage, the furious woman reportedly cut off his genitals with a knife while at a guest house in Kattipuram, India Tuesday.

Dude, if you’re going to try to boink your side piece one last time, don’t tell her about your impending marriage until after the sploosh. Dumbass.

RELATED: Speaking of weiners, Anthony Weiner was sentenced to 21 months in prison yesterday.

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Thank You, Come Again

The stereotypical Indian male – Slurpee Indian, not Casino Indian – is usually seen as a timid, polite gentleman who works hard and dotes on his family. Florida’s Devbir Kalsi is ruining the curve.

The woman, who has not been named, was held in her home against her will by her husband, Devbir Kalsi, 33. Police said his parents had flown to his home to participate in the abuse.

Wow, that’s awesome. You rarely find a group of people committed to doing things as a family anymore.

Investigators believe Kalsi and his parents, Jasbir and Bhupinder Kalsi, had been abusing the woman for a long period of time.

Kalsi struck her “repeatedly and forcefully” and when the woman attempted to defend herself, his parents began hitting her too, leaving bruises on her face, neck and torso. She was found with bruises all over her body and told officers that her phone had been taken away and that a knife had been held to her throat.

The article does not show the victim’s face, but she does look like she is an attractive woman. Beating her for disobedience is senseless, and it’s not going to make the sammich arrive any quicker.

The Jolly Bengali

Meet Motaparthi Vamshi Krishna (common spelling). Motaparthi likes ta parthi with random women who are not his wife. Unfortunately, Motaparthi doesn’t have much “game,” is a terrible liar, and is too stupid to think of good excuses. In the rare event he needs a quick lie, it blows up in his face.

Motaparthi Vamshi Krishna, 32, of Hyderabad, India, had been having an affair with a woman from Chennai in the south-eastern state of Tamil Nadu.

She had made him agree to take her on holiday to the state of Goa on the western coast but he didn’t want to go. So he created a new email address and used it to tell airport authorities that he had heard a group of men discussing a hijack plot.

Aiming to disrupt flights into Chennai, Mumbai and Hyderabad, he said he had heard six men talking in a restaurant, planning to hijack flights at those airports.

Police traced the origin of the email using Vamshi’s IP address, and arrested him at his home in the Miyapur area of Hyderabad.

So Apu didn’t realize the police could track his IP address, but Verizon wants me to continue holding for my Indian IT assistant? Wait, is that racist? Eh, it’s not like he’s going to bee able to sue me from prison.

It Smells Like Indira Gandhi’s Thong

Chili Slingshot

Police in India are adding a new weapon to their crown control arsenal: chili slingshots.

Police in northern India will soon use slingshots loaded with chili powder and marbles to tackle unruly protesters in the world’s largest democracy, an inspector said on Wednesday.

Not content with water cannon, tear gas and traditional wooden sticks or lathis, police in Haryana state close to New Delhi will turn to the slingshots as a “non-lethal way” to control violent crowds.

The locally-made slingshots are the latest in a series of unconventional measures adopted by security forces in India, which sees daily protests on a myriad of issues. Some quickly escalate out of control.

Wait a minute, isn’t India the spicy food capital of the free world? How is chili powder going to stop people who bathe in hummus and shower themselves with curry?