One Less Brick In The Wall

An Indian man was killed after a monkey threw a brick at him, smashing his skull and killing him.

Local police confirmed that 30-year-old Mohammad Kurbaan was killed after being hit in the head with the falling brick in Central Delhi’s Nabi Karim area. Kurbaan, who sold bags from a shop in the area, collapsed after being hit with the brick and was taken to hospital, where doctors pronounced him dead.

This is exactly how Planet of the Apes started.

While investigating, police discovered that the owner of the building the bricks were thrown from had left two bricks above a water tank to prevent monkeys from opening it. Police said that a group of monkeys had managed to remove both of the bricks, throwing one at Kurbaan and hurling another onto a nearby terrace.

Indian should implement a hardhat mandate. Maybe it’s my white privilege talking, but why would anyone tolerate ravaging, brick-tossing monkeys in their country? It’s almost as bad as hanging on the outside of a train as it moves through the countryside.

Thank You, Don’t Come Again

An Indian couple decided to Rock the Kasbah inside a Juhapura hotel, but since they didn’t have condoms, the male decided to make sure her lips – and his penis – were sealed.

According to The Times of India, 25-year-old Salman Mizra and his fiancé checked into a hotel in Juhapura on June 22nd. Both were addicted to drugs, police said.

Just a couple of drug addicts banging the gong. What could possibly go wrong?

“Since they did not have any protection, they decided to apply the adhesive on his private parts to ensure that she does not get pregnant,” a police officer said. “They were carrying the adhesive as they occasionally used it with whitener to inhale the mixture for a kick.”

If I can elaborate, Mirza decided to glue his, well, dick-hole shut so he wouldn’t knock up his drug-addled fiancé. For those of you who did not go to medical school, that’s a really stupid idea.

He was found unconscious in the bushes outside the Amber Tower on June 23 and was taken to the hospital as his condition deteriorated. (H/T– Jim Lynch and Mike Hodges)

The good news is Mirza’s fiancé did not get pregnant. The bad news is Mirza is dead because he decided to coat his penis with Gorilla Glue.

Feel-Good Friday

Meet Pooja Rai, an artist from India.

Like make places across the world – *cough* Philadelphia *cough* – most children do not have safe places to play, and the playgrounds are less than ideal. Enter Pooja.

Durable, cheap, and relatively safe, one young architect is utilizing some of India’s 100 million yearly thrown-away tires to design colorful playgrounds for schools that need them.

Operating under the philosophy that play is a child’s right, Anthill Creations, a non-profit run by Pooja Rai, has so far built 283 different play spaces using almost entirely painted tires.

Located in Bengaluru, most of the play spaces Ms. Rai designs feature large tire sculptures of cars, buildings, or animals, paired with more classic elements of swings, seesaws, and jungle gyms.

All of the spaces are built with discarded tires that are collected, cleaned, and inspected for anything that might pose a threat to the kids. Next they are painted, and drilled with holes once or twice to ensure rainwater doesn’t collect inside.

That’s pretty amazing, and the tires get recycled instead of being thrown into the streets.

Thank You And Crash Again!

A six-pound meteorite struck inside Rajasthan, India, causing a foot-deep crater and possibly ruined the city’s curry crops.

A meteorite-like object fell in Rajasthan, causing an explosion heard 2 km away and leaving a one-foot deep crater. The 2.78 kg object was emitting heat when discovered, and once cooled was sent to a lab to be analyzed:

The officials concerned also got it tested in a private lab located at the jeweller’s shop in Sanchore who confirmed that the piece had metallic properties of Germanium, Platinium, Nickel and Iron (10.23 per cent of nickel, 85.86 per cent of iron, platinum 0.5 per cent, cobbit 0.78 per cent, geranium 0.02 per cent, antimony 0.01 per cent niobium 0.01 and other 3.02 per cent).

As I write this, the meteorite is being melted down so it can be fused to my bones. I will finally be invincible to everything except a pretty girl saying hello to me. That still makes me wet my pants.

Goldclinger

Indian officials arrested a man trying to smuggle nine gold bars into the country by hiding them in his ass.

A man has been arrested by the Customs department at the Indira Gandhi International (IGI) airport here for allegedly trying to smuggle one kg gold by hiding it in his rectum, an official statement said Wednesday.

The 24-year-old passenger was intercepted upon his arrival from Dubai Monday.

On detailed baggage examination and personal search, it was discovered that the accused had hidden nine gold bars, weighing 1.04 kg, inside his rectum.

The man claimed his doctor advised him to take in more vitamins and minerals.

Allies To U.S.: “Drop Dead”

In a completely predictable move, U.S. “allies” are conspiring with Iran to get around America’s nuclear sanctions. With friends like these, who needs enemas?

Iranian leaders disclosed on Tuesday that they had recently held high-level meetings with European Union nations and leaders in India and Thailand to explore options for skirting new U.S. sanctions.

Iran’s efforts and the warm reception it is receiving from many nations has roiled leaders on Capitol Hill, where some lawmakers are already moving to confront these countries and ensure they face harsh repercussions for any breach of U.S. sanction law.

Meetings with leaders in India are said to have gone particularly well for Iran, sparking outrage in the United States where these same Indian leaders have been pleading with the Trump administration to boost relations. India and China have already vowed to continue purchasing Iranian crude oil, despite the Trump administration’s crackdown.

Many of our “NeverTrump” betters in the media have been railing against what they believe to be President Trump’s isolationism. Ironically, it is America’s allies who are forcing the isolationist hand with stunts like these.

Maybe sanctions against China, India, and the EU will make them fall back into line?

Ready For Spillary!

Vanquished presidential candidate and sloppy drunkard Hillary Clinton earned a natural hat trick by falling for a third time in India.

Two days after a nasty fall in a hotel bathtub left Hillary Clinton with a broken wrist, the former Secretary of State was spotted making the best of a bad situation while continuing her tour of India.

Hillary was seen in Jaipur on Thursday where she appeared to be adopting an out-of-sight and out-of-mind approach to her recent injury by wearing a kurta that had been customized to make one sleeve longer than other.

To achieve this, the loose and flowing top was wrapped tightly around Hillary’s torso, transforming the once comfortable piece into a more constricting look complete with an empire-waist. That allowed Hillary enough extra fabric to cover her wrist with both her top and the shawl she wore while spending her day touring historic monuments alongside gal pal Huma Abedin.

She. Looks. Fabulous! I had no idea the fashion world unveiled a Slenderman line. Can you imagine what would have happened if this harpy won the presidency? The woman is obviously dealing with some severe health issues, slips and falls, and who knows what other maladies.

By the way, “gal pal” in this case is code for “longtime companion.”

This Man Likes His Steak Very Raw

With all due respect to its culture and people, the country of India is – in the alleged words of the president – a shithole.

A man has been arrested for allegedly having sex with three cows. The man is accused of having sex with the animals at some point between Sunday night and Monday morning by their owner Lalji Rabari.

Police said that when Rabari came to the cow shed on Monday morning, he found the legs of three of his cows tied together with rope.

One of the cows, owned by a milkman in Vadodara, a city in northern India, was found dead the next day.

Now, I’m no religious scholar, but aren’t cows sacred in India? What could possibly be the punishment for f**king a god to death?

The Long Cut

Meet Irshad.

Irshad is a handsome eligible bachelor who, like Johnny Appleseed, enjoys spreading his goop around. Unlike Johnny Appleseed, poor Irshad had his tree chopped down by an irate mistress.

A woman chopped off her lover’s penis after allegedly finding out he was marrying another woman.

The man, named only as 26-year-old Irshad, met up with his lover, 30, for ‘one last time’ before he was due to get married to a woman of his parents’ choice.

But after finding out about the marriage, the furious woman reportedly cut off his genitals with a knife while at a guest house in Kattipuram, India Tuesday.

Dude, if you’re going to try to boink your side piece one last time, don’t tell her about your impending marriage until after the sploosh. Dumbass.

RELATED: Speaking of weiners, Anthony Weiner was sentenced to 21 months in prison yesterday.

Thank You, Come Again

The stereotypical Indian male – Slurpee Indian, not Casino Indian – is usually seen as a timid, polite gentleman who works hard and dotes on his family. Florida’s Devbir Kalsi is ruining the curve.

The woman, who has not been named, was held in her home against her will by her husband, Devbir Kalsi, 33. Police said his parents had flown to his home to participate in the abuse.

Wow, that’s awesome. You rarely find a group of people committed to doing things as a family anymore.

Investigators believe Kalsi and his parents, Jasbir and Bhupinder Kalsi, had been abusing the woman for a long period of time.

Kalsi struck her “repeatedly and forcefully” and when the woman attempted to defend herself, his parents began hitting her too, leaving bruises on her face, neck and torso. She was found with bruises all over her body and told officers that her phone had been taken away and that a knife had been held to her throat.

The article does not show the victim’s face, but she does look like she is an attractive woman. Beating her for disobedience is senseless, and it’s not going to make the sammich arrive any quicker.