Iran Really Enjoys Rice Krispies

The men of Kermanshah, Iran are simple folks who enjoy goat herding, soccer games, and apparently playing snap, crackle, pop with their penises.

If you find yourself near the Zagros Mountains, in Kermanshah, the largest Kurdish speaking city in Iran — and if you stay quiet — you may find yourself privy to a peculiar popping sound. What is it?

Merely the sound of men bending the top part of their erect penis to one side while holding the lower part of the shaft in place, until they hear a click or pop. This little-known practice is called “taqaandan,” which is Kurdish for “to click.” The practice, according to DNB Stories, leads to the rapid loss of an erection, accompanied by said loud “pop.”

In one hospital alone in Kermanshah, the largest Kurdish-speaking city in Iran, there were 172 cases of penile fractures.

Obviously, guys do a lot of things to and with their penis. That said, I have never heard of any man voluntarily fracturing his dingus. I simply cannot see the allure.

Pressing Their Luck

In retaliation for the killing of Qasem Soleimani, Iran launched missile attacks at U.S. installations in Iraq. Apparently the Iranians would like to get another up close and personal view of our drones.

Multiple air bases housing U.S. troops in Iraq came under missile attack from Iran on Tuesday night, according to multiple reports.

Jennifer Griffin, the national security correspondent for Fox News, tweeted Tuesday that a “senior US military source in Iraq” confirmed an attack on the Iraqi and United States Armed Forces’ Al-Asad air base. A second attack occurred at the Irbil base, the Pentagon said in a statement.

Iran’s Islamic Revolutionary Guard Corps said they fired the missiles in retaliation for the killing of Iranian Gen. Qasem Soleimani in a U.S. drone strike on Jan. 2, the Wall Street Journal reported.

“Under missile attack from Iran,” the source said. “These are either cruise missiles or short range ballistic missiles. All over the country.”

The good news is karma immediately struck the world’s leading terror sponsor. Fifty people were killed in a stampede during Soleimani’s funeral, of the fifteen missiles fired, four landed in Iran, a Ukrainian airliner crashed in Iran shortly after takeoff, and Iran enjoyed a 4.9 magnitude earthquake.

All in the same day.

I’d like to thing the good Lord had something to do with that.

Putin’s Puppet Levies Sanctions on Iran

You know, for a Russian stooge, President Trump really enjoys placing sanctions on America’s enemies.

President Donald Trump announced Monday that he is designating the Iranian Revolutionary Guard Corps (IRGC) a foreign terrorist organization in a major escalation of a pressure campaign on the Islamic Republic.

The IRGC has long been implicated in terrorist plots against the U.S. military throughout the Middle East and provides major financial support to other known terrorist organizations such as Lebanese Hezbollah.

Trump’s designation of the IRGC allows the U.S. Treasury Department to levy sanctions not only on the organization itself but entities that do business with them. These sanctions constitute the harshest actions the U.S. government can take with implications that reverberate throughout the global financial system.

Word is getting out to the Middle East; you deal with Iran, and your countries will be sanctioned as well. There’s a new sheriff in town, and his name is Donald Trump.

Caption Contest Winners

The Water, Water Everywhere So Let’s All Have A Drink Caption Contest is now over.

I say this with absolutely no hyperbole; this is the best crop of captions I’ve seen here in a very long time. Seriously, you guys nailed it this week!

Top Five Entries:
5. Stroke, Death to America!!!, Stroke, Death to Israel!!. Stroke, Death to America…. – Sully
4. Not visible in the photo: The women and girls pushing the boat from below. – Jim
3. Bill Kristol’s latest cruise didn’t live up to expectations! – Dalek
2. The Love Boat just hasn’t been the same since they beheaded Captain Stubing. – J-Dub

WINNER! – Or, as Jerry Brown calls it, a permanent drought! – Mike AKA Proof

Old Man Yells At Clouds

Meet Iranian Brigadier General Gholam Reza Jalali. Like most Iranian warlords, Jalali despises Israel, and blames them for literally everything; including the weather.

An Iranian general has accused Israel of ‘manipulating weather’ to prevent rain over the Islamic republic – aka, stealing the country’s clouds. Brigadier General Gholam Reza Jalali, head of Iran’s Civil Defence Organisation, alleged that his country was facing cloud ‘theft’ during a press conference.

‘Israel and another country in the region have joint teams which work to ensure clouds entering Iranian skies are unable to release rain,’ he said.

‘On top of that, we are facing the issue of cloud and snow theft’, Jalali added, citing a survey showing that above 2,200 metres all mountainous areas between Afghanistan and the Mediterranean are covered in snow, except Iran.

Now normally I would blame the IDF for this, but my instincts tell me Mossad is closer to a cloud disintegrator. Yeah, it must be their fault.

Allies To U.S.: “Drop Dead”

In a completely predictable move, U.S. “allies” are conspiring with Iran to get around America’s nuclear sanctions. With friends like these, who needs enemas?

Iranian leaders disclosed on Tuesday that they had recently held high-level meetings with European Union nations and leaders in India and Thailand to explore options for skirting new U.S. sanctions.

Iran’s efforts and the warm reception it is receiving from many nations has roiled leaders on Capitol Hill, where some lawmakers are already moving to confront these countries and ensure they face harsh repercussions for any breach of U.S. sanction law.

Meetings with leaders in India are said to have gone particularly well for Iran, sparking outrage in the United States where these same Indian leaders have been pleading with the Trump administration to boost relations. India and China have already vowed to continue purchasing Iranian crude oil, despite the Trump administration’s crackdown.

Many of our “NeverTrump” betters in the media have been railing against what they believe to be President Trump’s isolationism. Ironically, it is America’s allies who are forcing the isolationist hand with stunts like these.

Maybe sanctions against China, India, and the EU will make them fall back into line?

Israel Brings The Rain

Iranian forces in Syria fired missiles into Israel yesterday, prompting retaliatory strikes on Damascus.

ISRAEL has blasted Iran’s bases in Syria with 70 missiles killing “at least 23 fighters” in revenge for rocket strikes on Golan Heights.

Fighter jets bombarded military bases, munitions warehouses and intelligence centres, after Tel Aviv stoked fears of a war by warning: “If it rains in Israel it will pour in Iran.”

The strikes hit “nearly every target” and were in response to “20 rockets” fired by the Iranian Quds Force, Israeli military chiefs claimed.

Boy, I sure am glad we didn’t withdraw from the Iranian nuclear deal. These guys are honest, straight shooters who have nothing but our best interests at heart.

The Worst President Ever

A Kuwaiti newspaper reports Islamist apologist and Iranian fanboy Barack Obama tipped off the head of Iran’s terrorist wing to an Israeli assassination plot.

According to Al-Jarida, three years ago the Obama Administration warned the Iranian government Israel was about to assassinate Qassem Soleimani, the commander of the Quds Force, the overseas arm of Iran’s Revolutionary Guard, in Damascus.

Al-Jarida asserts that the incident “sparked a sharp disagreement between the Israeli and American security and intelligence apparatuses regarding the issue.”

The Quds force has provided military assistance to Hezbollah in Lebanon and Hamas in Gaza; Soleimani was designated as a supporter of terrorism by the State Department in 2007 for his connections to the Islamic Revolutionary Guard Corps, which was outspoken about wanting to proliferate ballistic missiles capable of carrying WMDs.

Literally thousands of lives could have been saved if Israel eliminated Soleimani. To think an American president would tip off the terror mastermind of our most dangerous enemy is mind-boggling.

Of course, Barack Obama was never truly an American president; he was always an Islamist president with Iranian loyalties.

Gimme A Ticket For An Aeroplane

obama-and-hassan-rohani

If there was ever any doubt about where Barack Obama’s allegiance lies, this story will clear it up.

Pastor Saeed Abedini, one of four American hostages released from Iran in January, shared his disbelief of Iranian president Hassan Rouhani’s [UN] speech.

“I was just telling people that imagine leader of ISIS come to the United States after 30 years of all the executions that they did and leaders of the world shaking his hand. It’s unbelievable,” Abedini said.

Abedini said he and other hostages were left to fend for themselves after flying from Iran to Germany when they were released after the Obama Administration’s $400 million payment to Iran. After spending a few days in a hospital in Germany, Adedini was surprised to hear that he needed to buy his own plane ticket home.

So Abedini and three other Americans are held hostage by these Iranian animals, physically and psychologically tortured for four years, and this administration does not even have the common courtesy to arrange for his transportation home? Is this really what America has become?