Caption Contest Winners

The Gape Knee-High Caption Contest has now concluded.

Top Five Entries:
5. It was unanimous. Everyone wants to be two feet taller. – Ronni
4. It was up to Melania to pick the winner of the George Takei lookalike contest. – Proof
3. Melania goes on international recruiting mission for the infamous Scissor Hands Gang. – Ingineer66
2. Melania realizes Asians really are smart when she asks the school children how many genders there are… – Toothy

WINNER! – “Hey everyone, how many times did Hillary run for President and lose?” – TXNick

Weekend Caption Contest

Gape Knee-High Caption Contest
(Source: AP)

Caption this photo in the comments section. The winners will be posted Monday, November 13th.

Original Caption: First lady Melania Trump poses for a photo with schoolchildren upon arrival at Kyobashi Tsukiji Elementary School in Tokyo, Monday, Nov. 6, 2017. (Photo: Ping Ma/Pool Photo via AP)

Crash Bridges

A Japanese man was looking for the perfect location to propose to his girlfriend when he found it at the scenic Irabu Bridge. Well, at least he got one thing right that day.

The 32-year-old unnamed man was in his girlfriend’s car when he asked her to pull over in the middle of Irabu Bridge, which links the Miyako and Irabu islands in Japan.

He told her he wanted to take in the view from the structure, however then dropped to one knee and pulled out a ring.

The man is said to have been so overjoyed when she said yes – he jokingly climbed onto the bridge railings and spread his arms to celebrate. However seconds later he lost his balance, and fell 100 feet from the bridge into the water below. Rescuers found the drowned man’s body seven hours later.

Oh Darwin, you so crazy.

Groping Them In

In response to the growing number of sexual harassment claims on Japanese tranist, one enterprising business is offering grope insurance… for men.

In Japan, where train travel can be an ordeal for women, an insurance company is reporting a sudden run on a policy that protects men falsely accused of groping.

The spike in takers for the 6,400 yen (US$57) “false groping accusation benefit” plan was triggered by a spate of incidents where men suspected of molesting female commuters fled the scene along the railway tracks, the Tokyo-based firm told AFP.

Japan has made efforts to tackle the problem of rush-hour sex pests with posters on trains and television campaigns, while railway operators provide women-only carriages for the busiest times of day.

Laugh if you must, but this is something I desperately need. I can’t walk twenty feet in this town without some woman grabbing my candy apple-shaped bottom.

Leaving Calls In Their Wake

There is nothing I dread more than daywork. Waking up at 5:45am is not a natural act, and it’s one which I vigorously fight against. No longer.

Now I can receive a wake up call from a real Japanese fisherman! Where has this service been all my life?

Fisherman Call is a free service. All you have to do is register online and provide your name, phone number and the time you would like to be called by the fisherman. You can even select a specific fisherman from several profiles listed online. You can see a picture of each one of the available fishermen, check out their work schedule and even listen to a recording of their voice to see if it’s the first thing you want to hear in the morning. Then, all you have to do is go to sleep.

Most of the fishermen provided by Fisherman Call wake up at the crack of dawn, and complete most of their daily work by 6 AM, so however early you plan on waking up, they’ll probably be able to help you do it.

While this idea is not as appealing as Catherine Zeta-Jones Call, it is infinitely better than Fran Drescher Call.

The Case For Recycling

principal-skinner-pile-of-newspapersA Japanese man was killed after a six-ton pile of pornographic magazines fell on him. This is so much like my dreams it’s scary!

A lonely Japanese man who amassed more than six tons of porn died when a huge pile of magazines fell on top of him. And even more tragically, the man’s body was only discovered six months later when the landlord entered the flat to find out why the rent had not been paid.

The man’s death was revealed by a member of the cleaning team, who said his company had been hired to remove the magazines discreetly in a way that would not be noticed by neighbours and the man’s family to save them from the shame.

He said the dead man, a 50-year-old former car maker identified only by the name Joji, had died buried underneath under a pile of the pornographic magazines.

Dude, there’s this new thing called the internet. It’s a magical place where you can’t swing a dead cat without hitting photos of naked women. And since this isn’t the 50’s, computers don’t weigh six tons.

Oooh, That Smell

kunkun-smell-gadget

Are you, like me, morbidly obese? Do you sweat when you eat? Are you a Leftist protester? If so, your days of stinking up a football stadium may be gone forever.

The KunKun, Japanese for “sniff sniff”, is a bizarre device developed by Japanese corporation Konika Minolta that detects bodily odors like smelly feet or underarm sweat and notifies the user about them via a smartphone app.

Now you can just wear the KunKun everywhere you go and find out when you’re starting to stink just by checking your phone. It’s small enough to fit in a coat pocket, so no one will ever know you’re carrying it, and features sensors that pick up specific chemicals associated with three types of bodily odors.

When the information is sent from the KunKun to the smartphone, users are notified if they have passed or failed a smell test using a color-coded meter.

There is a morbidly obese corporal who works in my division, and she claims her religion only allows her to bathe once a week. Her stench can literally peel the skin off a man, and the operations room has more lighted candles than Liberace’s boudoir.

I would buy her this device, but I sincerely doubt she would respond to the alarms.

Turning Japan-freeze

japanese-frozen-fish-rinkA Japanese theme park created its own version of “Frozen,” but instead of cutesy animated characters, this event features dead sea creatures.

A Japanese theme park which froze 5,000 sea creatures into the floor of an ice rink was forced to close the attraction on Sunday after a public backlash.

Fish, crabs and other shellfish were embedded in the ice as part of a special winter attraction, called “Freezing Port,” at Japan’s Space World theme park. The park advertised it as a “world first” and posted images of the fish on its official Facebook site with captions including “I am d… d… drowning, s … s… suffocating.”

Space World manager Toshimi Takeda told CNN the park would unfreeze the skate rink to remove the fish, hold an “appropriate religious service” and then reuse them as fertilizer.

Of course, “reuse them as fertilizer” may be translated into “ship them to a Benihana franchise.