Someone’s Stretching The Truth

Ladies and gentlemen, I am sorry to inform you I am being sued, and it is definitely a big deal. I’ll need your help to fight the lawsuit, and I know you guys will come through for me.

A woman is suing her ex-boyfriend after his “abnormally long” penis allegedly overstretched her vagina.

Silindile Mangena, 29, is planning to undergo reconstructive surgery after getting intimate with Mugove Kurima, 37. But she wants Kurima to pay the whopping 150,000 Rand (£8,000) cost of this – and is reportedly taking him to court.

Silindile, of Harare, Zimbabwe, told the Zimbabwe Mail that her private parts were “tight” before she met her ex in 2016.

To prove her point, Silindile shoved a lump of coal into her va-jay-jay and five minutes later pulled out a flawless, perfectly-cut diamond.

She said she fell in love even though he was allegedly married at the time. However, she ended the relationship in May this year after Kurima is alleged to have stretched her vagina. (H/T – Redneck Geezer)

The good news is Ringling Brothers rented out Silindile’s vagina for their African tour. Oh, and by the way, how funny is it that Silindile’s last name is Mangena?

Choking Back The Tears

Meet Richard Henry Patterson. (His friends call him Dick.)

Dick is currently being charged with the murder of his girlfriend, and while he admits to killing her, his excuse is unparalleled in the history of jurisprudence.

Richard Patterson is accused of strangling Francisca Marguinez in Margate, Florida.

He claims that he has a large penis and she choked to death on it while performing oral sex.

Man, if I had a nickel for every time that happened to one of my girlfriends I’d have five nickels.

Patterson’s defence lawyer, Ken Padowitz, asked the judge to allow Patterson to show his penis to the jury, judge, lawyers and a bailiff. He said that it was ‘essential’ so that they fully understand what he is talking about.

Strangely enough, I believe it is essential to show my penis to juries… which is why the department does not allow me to testify anymore.