When I am finally sick and tired of police work, I must land a job as a researcher. The hours are great, the pay is ridiculous, and the benefits are bodacious.
Breast implants, made popular by celebrities desiring a bigger chest, can lessen gunshot injuries by slowing down bullets.
Having them fitted could prove the difference between life or death, researchers behind the bizarre findings claim. They discovered bullets travel 20 per cent less far when shot into the implants, potentially stopping vital organ damage.
In recent years, with fake breasts growing in trend, numerous women have come forward to say their surgically-enhanced chest has saved their life in this way.
The world is a violent place, and as a law enforcement professional with personal experience handling shootings, I must insist every woman in America demand breast implants. Do it for the children!