True Detective Stories

Hat Tip: Sean Walsh, Philadelphia Inquirer

The Philadelphia Police Department is chock full of our best and brightest, the cream of the crop, those chosen few who perform both brain science and rocket surgery. Take this story. for instance.

On Sunday afternoon, two patrol officers arrested a man for shoplifting. Shoplifting is effectively legal in the city now – I mean, if we’re not arresting rioters and looters, why would we arrest thieves? – so the offender would likely receive a summary citation and be on his way.

Sadly, that’s not how this guy rolls.

Our wicked smaht arresting officers cuffed the man, placed him into the rear of the vehicle, and prepared to transport him to the division. As they were getting ready to go, one of the officers smelled something. Turning around, he noticed the fine, upstanding citizen was attempting to light the rear seat on fire.

You see, when you’re wicked smaht like these two dopes, it’s not necessary to search an arrestee for contraband, weapons, of a f**king butane lighter!

The jackass arrestee did manage to light the car’s interior on fire, causing minor damage, while promoting himself from summary offense to full-fledged felon. Congratulations, everyone; awesome show, great job!