Benevolent Dictator Bans Walking

Los Angeles dictator Eric Garcetti has banned “unnecessary walking” within the Los Angeles city limits.

This is what you voted for, Los Angeles.

Democratic Los Angeles Mayor Eric Garcetti issued a new emergency order Wednesday that bans unnecessary “travel on foot” as he warns the city is nearing a “devastating tipping point” in their fight against COVID-19.

“Our city is now close to a devastating tipping point, beyond which the number of hospitalized patients would start to overwhelm our hospital system, in turn risking needless suffering and death,” Garcetti wrote in the order. “These unfortunate facts about the spread of COVID-19 in our City mean that we must resume some of the more restrictive measures we instituted in the Spring.”

The order prohibits “all travel, including, without limitation, travel on foot, bicycle, scooter, motorcycle, automobile, or public transit,” with limited exceptions.

Strangely enough, my biggest problem is not with this ridiculously unconstitutional order. My problem is this fascist mayor has prevented people from exercising… which keeps them healthy… which makes them better equipped to beat the Chinese Wuhan Virus.

It’s similar to shutting down the gyms in my city. The mayor is purposefully making citizens less healthy, and thus, more susceptible to the virus. How does any of this make sense?

The obligatory video is posted below…

Continue reading “Benevolent Dictator Bans Walking”

Chronic The Hedgehog

Actor, pr0n star, and very, very hairy man Ron Jeremy has been charged with three counts of rape and one count of sexual assault. Dude, you boink gorgeous women for a living. Why the f**k would you clock out then go allegedly rape someone?

Porn star Ron Jeremy has been charged with forcibly raping three women and sexually assaulting another in separate West Hollywood incidents dating back to 2014, the Los Angeles County District Attorney announced on Tuesday.

Ronald Jeremy Hyatt, 67, is facing three counts each of forcible rape and forcible penetration by a foreign object, and one count each of forcible oral copulation and sexual battery, L.A. County DA Jackie Lacey said.

So, if my math is on the up and up, Jeremy allegedly raped his first victim when he was 61? Come on, man, at 61 you should have retired your penis and spent your days yelling at clouds and telling kids to get off your lawn.

Jeremy’s nickname is The Hedgehog, and believe me, many people will be going for his “o-ring.”

Islamist Tries To Run Down Jews In L.A.

A California Islamist tried to murder two men coming from Synagogue, solely because the men were Jewish. Religion of Peace, indeed.

Mohammed Mohammed allegedly insulted two men as they were walking out of a synagogue in Hancock Park, NBC4 reported. He then allegedly tried running them over, and after missing them, turned around and tried again.

“We both scrambled in different directions so he slammed on his brakes and missed us thank God,” one of the victims said to CBS. “He clearly was going at us and it was even more clear on round two.”

“Why he chose us? Probably because of the yarmulkes on our heads,” the victim added.

A witness allegedly saw a Quran on Mohammed’s dashboard, although he did not share any religious thoughts during the attack.

That’s okay, I’ll share some thoughts. Mohammed Squared is a dyed-in-the-wool member of Islam, and the religion, in its current 21st century form, showers praise upon those who randomly murder Jews. Mohammedx2 kept his Quran close in case he perished during his fatwa. This isn’t f**king rocket science, people, but the fact no one feels “comfortable” stating the truth about Islam is why attacks like these continue.

L.A. Is So Cool, It’s White!

The city of Los Angeles has commisssioned a plan to decrease global warming in their shithole city. Instead of eliminating vehicles or dumping citizens into the ocean, they have instead decided to make their streets more eco-friendly.

The brilliant central-planners, led by LA Mayor and aspiring national politician Eric “The Red” Garcetti, are into a new fad: they want to paint the streets white.

See, the politicians running the show in LA believe that by decreasing the albedo, or reflectivity, of the streets, they can do two things, one that might be practical and real, and one that might be pie-in-the-sky fantasy, based on a faulty premise.

The first practical hope is that by painting the streets white, the city government will decrease the amount of heat captured by the dark pavement and released back into the air, especially at night. By increasing the albedo of the streets, they hope to lower the temperature of the heat-cup city by three degrees Fahrenheit…

Changing black streets to white? Racists. I guess they also have to repaint the crosswalks and bike lanes, too. Hmm, wonder how much that’ll cost…

…See, at a cost of $40,000 per mile of road, the city’s 6,500 miles of pavement could ring up a hefty price tag of $260,000,000, and that doesn’t include the 800 miles of alleyways in Tinseltown. All in a city which was recently listed as having the second-worst roads in the US.

Will the city even bother painting the roads in South Central? I mean, they’ll just be soaked with heat-attracting blood moments after the painting is finished.

The Los Angeles Jams

An elderly Los Angeles man needed his private parts rescued from the steely clutched of a bench.

Multiple fire units, including an Urban Search and Rescue unit, responded to East Hollywood today to help a man believed to be about 70 years old who got a “personal body part” stuck between slats of a park bench.

The firefighters quickly freed the man from the bench, Los Angeles Fire Department spokeswoman Amy Bastman said. She could not provide details about the “personal body part” or how it became stuck in the park bench.

Now I’m no detective, but I can safely assume the “personal body part” was not the man’s ass.

Dumpster Diving For Dummies

A Los Angeles man decided to donate his body to science this week, and while the thought was admirable, the implementation was regrettable.

A man died Friday after paramedics pulled him out of a donation box in a South Los Angeles neighborhood.

Neighbors said paramedics tried to revive him, but it was too late. A few people believe they have seen the man at the box before, taking clothes and collecting bottles and cans on the street. The donation box is on a residential street, near empty parking lots.

I have no idea why anyone would want to climb into a donation box – except maybe to steal clothing – but getting trapped in a giant steel container… in L.A… in July… is an easy way to recycle yourself.