Let’s Go (To Jail) Brandon!

Meet Brandon Cihak of Mankato, Minnesota. Brandon was stopped by police recently, and during a search, police found methamphetamine inside his sweatpants. This may shock you, but Brandon declared, “They’re not mine!”

After police found a bag of methamphetamine in his pocket, the 37-year-old Minnesotan disavowed ownership of the drug, claiming that the sweatpants he was wearing were not his own.

Cihak, who had been searched following a traffic stop Wednesday morning in Mankato, “attempted to blame the methamphetamine on another individual,” Officer Eric Lopez noted in a probable cause statement. Cihak, Lopez added, “stated he was wearing the other individual’s pants.”

But the 5’11” Cihak’s bid to pin the drug rap on the unnamed fall guy/gal did not sway Lopez, who reported that “Cihak is substantially taller than the individual he claimed to be the owner of the pants.” The purported trouser owner is “only 4 feet, 1 inch tall,” according to Lopez.

In fairness, the kids these days do roll up their sweatpants. I doubt they would roll them up nearly two feet, but nice try, Brandon.

Where The Rub Her Meets The Road

Meet Jennifer Dorit Weber of Mankato, Minnesota. Jennifer was a little pent-up, so she decided to drive to an auto dealership, park in the lot, and diddle herself until her fingers began to bleed.

Police in Mankato, Minnesota were called to a local car dealership after receiving reports of a woman behaving crudely while parked in the parking lot.

When they arrived at the scene, they found 35-year-old Jennifer Weber lying in the backseat of a four-door Chevy Silverado…with her feet in the air…and she was practicing…”self-care.”

In fact, it took about an hour to coax Weber out of the truck, and the whole time she refused to stop touching herself. She also repeatedly told officers that she thought she was in Florida, as well. Specifically, St. Petersburg.

Now I’m not an expert on female diddling, but my guess is if you cannot finish yourself off in an hour, you either haven’t chosen the right photos, or your fingers don’t think you’re all that attractive.