The FBI Is A Garbage Organization

The Federal Bureau of Investigation, the organization which had Whitey Bulger on its payroll, ignored Olympic gymnasts’ sexual abuse claims, and arguably had a hand in the January 6th “insurrection,” has now decided prospective agents can smoke marijuana twenty-three times and still be hired.

Activists were encouraged this summer when the FBI moved to loosen its employment restrictions for would-be agents who’ve previously used marijuana—but the agency more recently further revised the policy to add a stipulation that applicants are ineligible if they’ve used cannabis more than 24 times after turning 18.

Why 24 times specifically? The agency doesn’t explain.

I guess that explains why the FBI is so utterly and completely inept.

It simply said in an update to its job eligibility guidance that candidates who “have used marijuana or any of its various forms (e.g., cannabis, hashish (hash), hash oil, or tetrahydrocannabinol (THC), synthetic or natural), in any location (domestic or foreign) regardless of the legality in that location of use, more than twenty-four (24) times after turning 18 years old is a disqualifier for FBI employment.”

FBI Undersecretary for Ganja Jeff Spicoli was unavailable for comment.

An American Werewolf In Italy

A 64-year old American man was arrested in Sicily after his private jet was checked for contraband. Unfortunately for the American, police found weapons and narcotics.

Patrick Joseph Horan, 64, told police he was visiting relatives on the Italian island when he landed on Friday, according to news agency Ansa.

But a check carried out on the aircraft was said to have uncovered guns, bows and arrows and 1kg (35oz) of marijuana.

You’d think Sicily would be more amenable to such items. Have movies been lying to me all this time?

The items were reportedly seized and Mr Horan was taken away for questioning. They said weapons – including two pistols, a rifle and ammunition – had been placed in boxes while the drugs were sealed in plastic bags and water bottles.

Sadly, the guns and drugs disappeared shortly after being placed into the property room. The security cameras allegedly overheard a husky voice say, “Yeah, you didn’t see nothin’.”

The Mark Of Zero

Meet Matthew Leatham of Port Richey, Flori-Duh.

Matthew wants to make his mark in the world, but instead of going to school and working hard, he got a Florida tattoo on his forehead and called 911 for a ride home.

Police said 22-year-old Matthew Leatham, of Port Richey, was arrested early Sunday morning (January 31) for his alleged behavior on the phone. A court complaint claims Leatham “cursed at the call taker during the call.”

Officials said they were able to find the 22-year-old easily thanks to his forehead tattoo.

Leatham was charged with misuse of the 911 system and possession of marijuana. He was booked into the Pasco County Jail. (H/T – Jim Lynch)

Not gonna lie; I loved him in Robocop.

Weeding Out The Dullards

This beautiful piece of Heaven is Constance Ann Polk of Florida. Constance was just sitting in her car, minding her own business, when an officer stopped by to see if she was okay. Luckily for everyone involved, Constance was more than okay.

According to papers from Sumter County Sheriff’s Office, a police officer spotted a woman sitting alone in a car at around 8am on Sunday morning.

The woman, later identified as Wildwood resident Constance Ann Polk, told a sheriff’s deputy that she was in possession of cannabis and asked him if he would like to join her in smoking it.

“(Polk) stated that she was in possession of marijuana and asked if I would like to smoke it with her.,” the deputy wrote.

The story doesn’t note Constance’s age, but I’m guessing she’s what, 23, 24?

Up In Toke

A British woman was so stoned and so mesmerized by her phone she didn’t happen to see the two police officers a few yards away. You can guess how this bint’s day turned out.

Police were out on patrol in School Street, Church Gresley, when they spotted the woman and what she was up to. But she had not seen them even though officers had been watching her for a while. She was so oblivious she carried on taking cannabis, they said, even as they approached. She was arrested and the drugs seized.

The Swadlincote Police Safer Neighbourhood Team took to Facebook to share details about the incident, saying the woman was caught by PCSO Dave McMillian and his partner while they were out for their stroll around the area.

The post reads: “Despite the pair being on the street for a while, one resident was too busy getting stoned and playing on her phone rather than paying attention to what was going on around her.

So… was she on Facebook, playing Candy Crush, or trying to buy weed on OfferUp?

Bail Me, Obi-Wan Kenobi

Meet Luke Skywalker Sexton of Comal County, Texas. Luke likes to explore the skies, and nothing gets him higher than his imagination… and marijuana.

A Texas man named Luke Aaron Skywalker Sexton was busted for marijuana possession after a cop pulled him over and smelled pot in his car, according to reports and jail records.

Skywalker Sexton, 19, was pulled over in Garden Ridge, a city north of San Antonio, when a police officer noticed his car had no front license plate.

I would suggest Luke use the force, but force he’ll see in Cell Block A is not exactly something you want to conjure up.

When Cameron Was In Egypt Land….

Meet Cameron Jeffrey Wilson. Cameron is a busy man, and while he tries to juggle all the items on his plate, sometimes he drops the ball… or the meth.

Cameron Jeffrey Wilson, 27, was carrying a pistol in his front pocket while in his Cashmere, Wash., apartment on April 5 when the firearm accidentally discharged and pierced his groin and thigh. Wilson, who is a 13-time convicted felon, told his girlfriend to dispose of the weapon before heading to the hospital.

When the ex-con finally went to the hospital, a balloon of marijuana slipped out of his anus while a doctor was operating on the gunshot wound.

They’re called kegel exercises, Cameron. Maybe you’ve heard of them?

Cops also arrived at the hospital when alerted of the gunshot wound and searched Wilson’s car where they discovered a bag of meth in the blood-stained jeans he was wearing when he shot himself. (H/T – TXNick)

So Cameron lost his meth, lost his testicles, and lost his ability to keep items inside his bunghole. Oh well, at least the shower sex won’t sting as much in prison.

Welcome To Pot St. Lucie

It’s been far too long since I posted a story from Flori-duh, so this should make up for my transgressions.

Meet Anthony Andrew Gallagher of Port St. Lucie, Florida. Anthony’s turn-ons are sunsets, friendly people, and dogs. His turn-offs are toxic personalities, liverwurst, and fast food workers who harsh his mellow.

The case happened as police were called to the McDonald’s in the 3100 block of Southwest Port St. Lucie Boulevard.

“The McDonald’s worker told police that a man in a Pontiac four-door drove through the drive-thru of the McDonald’s trying to exchange a baggie of marijuana for food,” police said. “The McDonald’s worker refused and the car drove off.”

“A short time later, the suspect again went through the drive-thru of the McDonald’s,” police said. “(Police) made contact with the suspect and noticed a heavy odor of marijuana emitting from the car.”

The driver, identified as Anthony Andrew Gallagher, 23, of Port St. Lucie, was arrested on charges of possession of marijuana under 20 grams and DUI.

Oh please. Ladies and gentlemen, I ask you, does this look like someone who uses marijuana?

Smoke And Mirrors

Meet Kim O’Connor, a candidate for the Hillsborough County Commission in Florida. Kim enjoys serving the public, especially when she can help save the Earth… especially the planet’s greenery.

Kim O’Connor checked out early after her taxpayer-funded stay at a hotel in Okeechobee. She was there as an elected supervisor with the Hillsborough Soil and Water Conservation District for a May 16 meeting on water conservation programs.

But O’Connor, a candidate for Hillsborough County Commission, smelled strongly of marijuana, hotel staff later said. They sent staff members to check her room and found marijuana on the bed and a room that reeked of the drug.

In a letter sent to the district, the Holiday Inn Express and Suites demanded the district pay an extra $500. The marijuana odor was so pungent, the hotel had to hire a professional cleaning firm and use commercial fans to air out the room, which could not be let for three days.

O’Connor is not a medical marijuana saleswoman, but she did stay at a Holiday inn Express last night!

She resigned her supervisor’s seat at the meeting but said the allegations against her were “unfounded.”

“But Wyatt,” you’re probably thinking, “The article never mentioned this woman’s party affiliation, so she must be a Democrat, right?” Actually, it’s worse.

Two days later, June 15, O’Connor filed to run for the Hillsborough County Commission District 7 seat. As the only Green Party candidate…

A Green Party candidate is fond of smoking weed? Wow, this is my shocked face. 😮

Weed Me, Seymour!

Meet Tracey Gittens.

Tracey is a sergeant with the NYPD who landed in hot water after a failed drug test. Tracey is fighting the results, and her excuse will blow your mind.

A New York Police Department sergeant faces possible dismissal from the force after what she claims was a false positive drug test, resulting from a hair being tested that came from her weave.

‘I was shocked,’ Sgt. Tracy Gittens testified on Friday during her department trial, regarding how she felt when she was informed that her random drug test came back positive for marijuana in January 2017. ‘I do not do drugs,’ she said, offering the possible explanation that the real human hair, snipped from her and tested was actually cut from a hair piece she said she was wearing as a ponytail at the time.

NYPD officials, however, said that’s not possible, following a DNA test that Gittens paid for. She hoped that test would prove the drug-infused hair was not hers, but NYPD prosecutors said the results actually showed the hair was a genetic match to either Gittens or a close relative.

I’m no detective, but I’m fairly certain Tracey will be free to smoke all the weed she desires by the end of the week. No worries, though; someone with her qualifications should have no trouble finding a top flight job in either the food-service or housekeeping industries.