Southern Exposure

Meet Christina Revels-Glick, a southern belle from Georgia.

Revels-Glick took a trip to Tybee Island to have some fun in the sun. The problem – or the blessing – popped up after she was observed masturbating on the beach by her fellow revelers.

Responding to a 5:30 PM report of a woman “performing a sexual act on the beach,” Tybee Island cops last month interviewed a witness who said the female suspect placed a towel on the sand and then opened her backpack and removed “what looked like a vibrator.”

Hey, it’s quite possible it was an umbrella stand!

The woman began using the apparent vibrator to masturbate, adding that she “could hear her moaning.” After about five minutes, the woman gathered her belongings and departed. The witness recorded the suspect’s actions. A review of the video showed the suspect–who was wearing a “one-piece green bikini–retrieve an unknown item from her backpack. The woman “then spreads her legs apart and puts both of her hands in between her legs,” police reported.

Yep, that is officially hot.

Investigators subsequently located the suspect, Christina Revels-Glick, 34, at a nearby restaurant.

Good Lord, I hope she washed her hands before eating!

Revels-Glick claimed she “did not think anyone saw her because it only took her 20 seconds to orgasm.”

Twenty seconds to orgasm? So you’re saying there’s a chance!

When Conjugal Visits Go Wrong

Meet Danielle Ferrero and Cody Thomas. Danielle drove from Florida to Charlotte, NC for a video visit with her criminal boyfriend. No contact was allowed, but Danielle did her best. Or worst.

According to court records, Danielle Ferrero, 38, traveled Sunday afternoon to the Charlotte County jail for an hour-long virtual visit with inmate Cody Thomas, 25. Ferrero was in the lockup’s Video Visitation Building, while Thomas was elsewhere in the facility.

This has to be a typo, because Danielle doesn’t look anywhere near 38.

During their visit, Ferrero and Thomas “frequently talked in a lewd manner speaking of sex, sexual organs and sexual activities,” according to a police report. Ferrero “frequently flaunted and rubbed her breasts, covered, showing the revealing outfit that she was wearing calling her outfit naughty.”

After Ferrero “mentioned how she repositioned herself and almost had an orgasm,” Thomas “asked Ferrero to have one for her and she began to rock back and forth in her chair, appearing to have an orgasm,” investigators allege.

Near the session’s conclusion, Ferrero exposed her breasts to Thomas, “resulting in the visitation to be cancelled by staff at the visitation center.” (H/TMis. Hum.)

So Danielle enters the jail’s video room, is told she cannot have contact with her white trash boyfriend, and instead, decides to diddle herself in front of the camera which is clearly monitored by the guards?

Give this woman a cigar!

Editor’s Note: We’re at an amusement park today and tomorrow, so I’ll be scarce. I may not have a full slate Wednesday, depending on how things go.

It’s Pickle (E)ric!

Meet Eric Detiege of Tampa, Flori-Duh.

Eric likes having fun in the great outdoors, especially when he can prance around the (literal) trailer park holding his Johnson and a spicy pickle. I really wish I was making that up.

As memorialized in an arrest affidavit, Detiege, naked from the waist down, had his penis in one hand and “a large uneaten pickle in his other hand.” Deputy Feijoo reported that Detiege was “using the pickle to penetrate his rectum while he was masturbating.”

Pictured above, Detiege was arrested for exposure of sexual organs, a misdemeanor, and booked into the Pinellas County jail. He was released after posting $150 bond, but was back behind bars a week later after getting arrested on a felony theft charge for stealing Red Bull and skinny jeans from a Walmart.

Hmm, I wonder if the skinny jeans had a pocket large enough to hold a pickle?

Was It Finger Licking Good?

Meet Vanessa Lee Jones of St. Parkersburg, Florida. (Vanessa is the woman, not the sailor.) Vanessa sure loves her chicken; so much so that she spent the bulk of her day with breasts and thighs.

A woman in the United States who was arrested for public masturbation just a few weeks ago has been arrested again for the same offence.

Vanessa Lee Jones was completely naked when she was seen thoroughly enjoying herself by passers-by outside a chicken shop in St Petersburg, Florida.

See, that’s why you get the chicken wings and not the chicken strips. It’s rather difficult to diddle yourself without the bones. Or so I’m told.

According to the St Petersburg police arrest paperwork, Jones, 38, showed no sign of being drunk or under the influence of drugs, and there was no evidence of mental health issues. Nevertheless, she was observed outside Popeye’s Fried Chicken at 10am entirely naked and touching herself.

Arresting officers “also witnessed the defendant masturbating in front of the dumpster completely naked…”

Officers also claimed Vanessa was rubbing herself so hard she literally started a dumpster fire.

The Cavity Creeps Strike Again

There are many perks associated with the medical profession. You get paid a boatload of money, you get to see people naked – occasionally ones you WANT to see naked – and you can prescribe some bitchin’ drugs. Sadly, the medical field is not all its bargained for, because every doctor has patients who are complete and utter morons.

Women should never use an electric toothbrush to masturbate, a gynecologist has warned.

Hey, sometimes women run out of carrots, pickles, and softball bats.

Tales of people pleasuring themselves with the vibrating gadgets are common online but one expert said it could lead to ‘lacerations or trauma’.

A small price to pay for fantasizing about Bradley Cooper, amirite?

The ‘interesting new trend’ risks damaging the sensitive skin around the genitals and isn’t hygienic, she said.

I mean, it is if you use enough toothpaste.

Various warnings from medics suggest that anything not specifically designed to go in or on the vagina should not be put down there.

What if the woman actually has teeth down there… like Joy Behar and Whoopi Goldberg?

Her Device Was Nickels-Plated

Meet Dovie Nickels of Austin, Texas. This beautiful, totally sane woman decided she needed some excitement in her life… and between her legs.

Austin police arrested a semi-nude woman who was pleasuring herself at two street-level patios Tuesday afternoon on Congress Avenue in downtown Austin.

The woman, 26-year-old Dovie Nickels, has been charged with indecent exposure and was in Travis County Jail on Wednesday with bail set at $3,000.

Two officers, responding to a complaint from the JW Marriott Austin hotel, encountered Nickels across the street, sitting alone at a patio table at Second Bar + Kitchen in the 200 block of Congress Avenue. When an officer approached, she stopped moving her arms under the table and placed them on top of it. That’s when officers “observed that Nickels was not wearing any pants.”

Well, at least the officers stopped Dovie from continuing… oh wait…

Officers said she continued to masturbate even after she was handcuffed and placed in the back seat of a patrol vehicle.

Wow. So she’s incredibly horny and inconceivably flexible. Dovie would be the perfect woman if she didn’t have a face like a frying pan.

Raymond Martz Is Goldmember

Meet Raymond Martz of Camden County, NJ. Raymond was arrested after apparently flogging the dolphin at a Nassau County beach.

On Oct. 12, a Nassau County Sheriff’s Office deputy was dispatched to the Main Beach Access point in Fernandina Beach. A female had reported that a man was on the beach with his shorts pulled to the side.

The report said that Martz appeared to be touching himself and that the woman “could see his genitals.”

Martz told deputies that he was only adjusting his shorts. Later, during an interview, Martz admitted having his genitals exposed but said it was “to air it them out.”

Boy, if I had a dollar for every time I had to “air out my genitals,” I could have retired three years ago.

Florida Man Set His Penis To Stun

Meet James Bundrick from Clearwater, Florida.

James is a Star Trek fan, and while he makes no bones about it, James’ actions rub some people the wrong way.

Clearwater police were called to a bus stop on Gulf to Bay Boulevard around 11:20 a.m. Monday for a report of a lewd and lascivious act.

Responding officers say they found a man sitting on a bench touching himself under his shorts. In an arrest report, police noted it was “obvious” the man was masturbating. When officers asked what he was doing, the man told them, “I’m scratching myself.”

The arrest report states the man told police his name was “James Tiberius Kirk,” the full name of the fictional character Captain Kirk from Star Trek.

Before his arrest, James held up one hand, spread his sticky fingers, and shouted, “Live long, and masturbate.”

Frank The Skank Spanks Point Blank

Meet former New Orleans mayoral candidate Frank Scurlock. Frank believes in polling the electorate, and using polls, and occasionally playing with his pole.

Former mayoral candidate Frank Scurlock pleaded no contest Monday (April 23) in a Santa Monica, Calif,. court after he was arrested last year on charges that he was masturbating in the backseat during an Uber ride.

Scurlock was arrested in February 2017 after an Uber driver picked him up from a West Hollywood hotel. As the vehicle was passing through Santa Monica, the driver heard Scurlock making noises in the backseat and pulled over and opened the passenger door. She saw Scurlock with his penis exposed and masturbating, according to a Santa Monica official, and ran to a gas station and called police.

The implication here is Frank started flogging the dolphin while thinking of the Uber driver. If she was driving the vehicle, he could only primarily see the back of her hear. Of course, that may be Frank’s particular fetish…

Home Of The Whopper

Meet Khaled Khalil.

Like most Americans, Khaled occasionally enjoys dining at fast food restaurants. He enjoys the food, the atmosphere, and the comfortable booths.

Upon arrival, officers made contact with a witness, a Burger King employee, and 24-year-old Khaled Kahlil, of Lincoln.

The witness said Kahlil was coming in and out of the restaurant, and when he would come in, he would begin masturbating. The witness said Kahlil’s genitals were fully exposed.

When officers contacted him, Kahlil appeared to be under the influence, and would not talk to officers about what happened.

Gee, he doesn’t look like a guy who would yank his doodle in public… Although in fairness, Burger King’s former slogan was “Have It Your Way.” Khaled was simply taking them up on their generous offer.