Yank Yer Doodle, It’s A Dandy

Meet Kyle Weiss. Kyle is a young, energetic man who deeply misses his girlfriend. Separated by half a continent. Weiss decided to take matters into his own hands, so to speak.

Police were summoned yesterday afternoon to a Walmart in Vero Beach by a woman who reported that a man who was parked next to her was masturbating while behind the wheel of a car that had its driver’s side window open.

Why is it always Walmart?

Upon arriving at the parking lot, cops stopped a Kia with out-of-state plates and asked the driver to exit the vehicle. When Kyle Weiss, 26, stepped out of his car, there was little doubt he was the suspect being sought: “I noticed that he had an obvious erection protruding in his shorts,” a cop reported.

During further questioning, Weiss reportedly admitted that he was lying to police. Asked by an Indian River County Sheriff’s Office deputy how he “crossed over from doing his work business to playing with himself,” Weiss “said he is lonely as his ex-girlfriend is in Colorado.”

The guy claimed he worked for a food delivery business, so I assume he was just adding some of his special sauce to the order.

Male Nurse Is All Jacked Up

A male nurse in Britain was subpoenaed to a disciplinary tribunal after he was accused of masturbating in front of coworkers, and Yankin’ His Doodle, It’s A Dandy with a dead body in the room.

An NHS nurse sent colleagues filthy texts and performed sex acts in front of them – even masturbating while a dead patient lay in the same room, a disciplinary tribunal has heard.

I mean, it’s not like the body knew what was going on…

Helder Silva was said to have ejaculated in a towel and thrown it at a victim in one particularly grim episode at Great Western Hospital in Swindon, Wilts. Silva’s actions were slammed at a tribunal held by the Nursing and Midwifery Council (NWC), where he was described as a “serious risk” to any female colleagues.

Silva failed to attend the 12-day hearing, but instead emailed the council – claiming to “not be bothered”.

Silva should have employed the Costanza Defense: “Was that wrong? Should I have not done that? I tell you I gotta plead ignorance on this thing because if anyone had said anything to me at all when I first started here that that sort of thing was frowned upon, you know, cause I’ve worked in a lot of offices and I tell you people do that all the time.”

(Thanks to Mis. Hum. at AOSHQ for the ONT link!)

Small Frey

Meet Andrew Frey of Oregon.

Andrew has a very positive self-image. In fact, you can say he loves himself; so much so that he “Yanks his doodle, it’s a dandy” at the most inopportune occasions.

A man who was allegedly high on meth reportedly fought off more than a dozen police officers while publicly masturbating.

Andrew Frey, 37, apparently made a series of outbursts and then began masturbating in an Oregon restaurant.

Incredibly, police were reportedly unable to subdue Frey with a Taser. It took 15 officers to finally take him into custody and stop him pleasuring himself.

Now look, I understand most men are severely focused when bopping the baloney, but I’d reckon most would stop flogging the dolphin when a herd of police officers are trying to cuff you. Unless of course, that happens to be your fetish.

Hello, Mister Bates

Meet Brian M. Bates of Spring Valley, New York.

Like most of us, Brian likes to have fun. Unlike most of us, his fun revolves around Vaseline and toilet products.

A man with a history of exposing himself in public was arrested after cops found him masturbating in front of women at a Paramus doctor’s office, authorities said.

Brian Bates was charged with criminal open lewdness for the Friday incident at a Ridgewood Avenue office, according to Chief Kenneth Ehrenberg. Officers went to the medical office for a report of a man exposing himself to patients.

“Upon police arrival, officers found Bates in the bathroom with the door open while masturbating and simultaneously attempting to penetrate his anus with the handle of the toilet bowl scrubber,” Ehrenberg said in a statement.

Ugh, how disgusting. Those toilet brush handles are covered in germs!

NYC Man Rubs Police The Wrong Way

Olympic Masturbator

A Brooklyn man is wanted by the NYPD for allegedly masturbating on the subway. The suspect should not be hard… to identify.

A man with the words ‘TEAM USA’ tattooed on his forehead is wanted by police for allegedly masturbating on a subway train in Brooklyn. The NYPD’s Twitter account on Tuesday posted an image of a man sitting on a subway car with the tattoo visible.

Authorities told Gothamist he ‘had his hands down his pants and appeared to be manipulating his penis for more than 30 minutes while looking at a 29-year-old female victim.’

In fairness, this guy may be a member – phrasing – of the U.S. Olympic Masturbating Team.