Would You Like Crabs With That?

In York, Pennsylvania, everyone is allowed to be served a happy meal.

In May, investigators charged Conrad Jablecki, 30, with indecent exposure, open lewdness, and disorderly conduct after he was seen receiving oral sex from an unidentified woman in a McDonald’s in York, PA.

Upon spotting Jablecki and the woman, an employee “kicked them out of the restaurant” and called cops. At the time of Jablecki’s collar, cops asked anyone with information about the woman’s identity to contact investigators.

Police subsequently identified Christine Alana Chafin, 37, as Jablecki’s public sex partner. Chafin was charged with open lewdness and disorderly conduct.

This doesn’t surprise me, because I used to attend an annual golf weekend in York. It defines the term “Pennsyltucky;” a lot of white trash intermingled with the general population. These two idiots apparently like McDonald’s not for the fries, but for the warm soft serve.

Sausage Party

An Atlanta-area man is suing McDonald’s after he was allegedly assaulted by an employee. The man, a combat veteran, claims the assault initiated a PTSD episode.

Kevin Lee entered the franchise’s drive-thru March 9 and ordered a sausage biscuit and tea with extra ice. When he reminded employee Ashli Kindell about the extra ice at the window, she confronted him.

“During the verbal altercation, (Kindell) threw the tea at (Lee) striking him in the head and spilling into his 2013 Buick Verano,” the filing says. “(She) continued the assault by throwing the sausage biscuit at plaintiff, again hitting him.”

If my dining experiences are any indication, Mr. Lee probably suffered a concussion from being hit with one of McDonald’s biscuits.

You Deserve A Snake Today

McDonald’s verified corporate Twitter account sent out a despicable tweet attacking President Donald Trump yesterday, cementing itself in the annals of businesses I boycott.

McDonald’s Corp (MCD.N) quickly deleted a tweet sent from the company’s handle slamming U.S. President Donald Trump on Thursday and said its official Twitter account had been compromised.

The tweet, which was copied and shared widely before being deleted, came a day after the Twitter accounts of a number of major news organizations, chief executives, government agencies and other high-profile users were hijacked.

“Twitter notified us that our account was compromised. We deleted the tweet, secured our account and are now investigating this,” McDonald’s spokeswoman Terri Hickey said in a statement.

Every single time some liberal – or liberal organization – gets backlash from a despicable tweet, they immediately claim they were hacked. Funny, not one of my 900+ followers have ever claimed their Twitter accounts have been hacked. Not one.

The tweet sent from @McDonaldsCorp on Thursday morning read: “@realdonaldtrump You are actually a disgusting excuse of a President and we would love to have @BarackObama back, also you have tiny hands.”

Former Obama Press Secretary Robert Gibbs is now the head of corporate relations at McDonald’s. Of course, a former Obama lackey wouldn’t have an ax to grind against Donald Trump, amirite?

Oh, and by the way, nowhere in McDonald’s explanatory tweet is an apology, so take that for what it is.

Winter In Canada Is A Real Drag

atv-towing-couch-through-drive-thruTwo drunken Canadian men – but I repeat myself – were arrested after they were found riding a couch… towed by an ATV… through a McDonald’s drive-thru.

Man, you can’t do anything fun in Canada.

Two New Brunswick men were arrested after riding on a couch that was being towed by an ATV. The unconventional conveyance was used to make a McDonalds run and ended on the frozen Mirimichi River where the two inebriated occupants of the couch were arrested.

“A MPF officer observed an ATV that was towing a couch, with two males sitting on the couch, going through the drive through at MacDonald’s restaurant. As the MPF officer approached, the ATV fled from the drive trough and managed to cross the highway then it ventured onto the frozen Miramichi River.”

Seizing someone’s ATV just for dragging a couch through a fast food drive thru seems a bit fascist, but this is Canada after all.

If this happened in Ontario I would be sending out an APB for Jenn, but since it occurred in New Brunswick, it’s probably one of the local hockey players.

McDonald’s Locations Are At Half-Arch

big-macMcDonald’s restaurants are remembering a hamburger icon this week. Michael “Jim” Delligatti passed away this week at the age of 98.

Who is Jim Delligatti, you ask? Read on.

THE inventor of the Big Mac has died at the age of 98. Michael “Jim” Delligatti came up with the iconic McDonald’s burger nearly 50 years ago.

The franchise-owner from Uniontown Pennsylvania put the stacked treat on sale at one of his restaurants in 1968.

McDonald’s initially did not approve of deviating from its strict formula of simple hamburgers, cheeseburgers and milkshakes. But the creation of a two-patty burger with lettuce, cheese, gherkins, onions and “special sauce” proved an instant hit, and was rolled out to his other 47 outlets across the US.

Thankfully Cleo McDowell, creator of the Big Mick, is still alive and well. Rest is peace, Mr. Delligatti; my stomach appreciates your service.

Thank God For Them Internets

Bernie Socialist FeastThe internet has been around long enough that even the stupidest of people – lookin’ at you, Kardashians – have realized you never ask people their opinions in an online forum. Sadly, McDonald’s New Zealand branch has not received the memo.

By 2016—a year in which the Internet already voted to name a $300 million ship “Boaty McBoatface”—you’d think McDonald’s might have learned its lesson: crowdsourcing ideas from the dark depths of the web almost always ends in unmitigated disaster.

Still, the New Zealand arm of the multi-national fast-food chain recently launched—and quickly canceled—a “Create Your Taste” promotion, encouraging Internet trolls to “make burger history” by re-mixing McDonald’s ingredients in new, interesting ways. From the very beginning, the ill-advised promotional campaign was like watching a car crash happen in ultra-slow motion.

Some of the inventions are rather funny, but I was most offended by “Ron’s Creamy Surprise.” If these people had a brain, they’d swipe my idea, which I have named, “Stairway To Heaven.”

Eurotrash Choose Victims… Poorly

The Simpsons Snooty FrenchmenTwo gunmen showed off their McNuggets when they entered a McDonald’s in eastern France this weekend, fired a shotgun, and announced a robbery.

Around 40 customers were chomping on their burgers on Sunday evening in the fast food outlet in a shopping centre in Besancon when two men burst in, fired in the air with a shotgun, threatened the guests and ordered staff to open the till, which contained €2,000 in cash.

The MENSA members soon got the McShakes when they realized they picked the wrong McDonald’s.

However, unbeknownst to the robbers, among the terrified customers were 11 off-duty members of the French paramilitary special forces, Groupe d’Intervention de la Gendarmerie Nationale, who were not amused at having their meal of Big Macs and French fries disturbed by the low-level criminals.

The highly trained and battle-hardened officers were able to pounce on the first of the two robbers when he tripped on his way of the outlet without firing a shot. However, they were forced to shoot the other in the abdomen when he pointed a gun at them as he sought to make his getaway with the cash, ignoring their orders to drop his weapon. (H/T – Mario M.)

The most surprising part of this story is not the jackass who thought he could face off against eleven special forces commandos; it’s that the Frenchmen didn’t immediately surrender.

The Wedding Zinger

McDonald's Wedding CommercialHave you seen the McDonald’s commercial where the caring father leaves fast food in the limo for his moderately-attractive daughter and her butt-ugly groom?

Yeah, here’s why I hope Daddy Dearest the gets the runs.

This cheap mama-jama buys a Quarter Pounder with cheese for the bride and groom. Not a bad start. But then you see Daddy didn’t include a beverage as part of the deal, and left the couple with one – ONE – order of Mickey D’s World Class Fries!

To quote Jeff Spicoli, “You dick!”

You’re so happy on your princess’s special day that you guaranteed a fistfight over fries. Good job, ass hammock!

By the way, class move lining the serving tray with newspaper. Are you feeding humans or parakeets?

Endless Love

McDonald's Fries

A McDonald’s restaurant in St. Joseph, Missouri is planning on offering all-you-can-eat fries. Wow, I think I just had my first real orgasm.

A McDonald’s now under construction in Missouri is billing itself as the “McDonald’s of the Future,” and the future is apparently a place of boundless french fries. The franchise in St. Joseph is making national headlines for a promise to be the first McDonald’s to offer all-you-can eat fries.

As Money notes, it ranges from the best-news-ever variety to the scariest-news-ever variety.

I’d say it is a combination of both. All-you-can-eat McDonald’s fries is the best thing ever, and me walking in there wearing a suicide vest because they refuse to serve me anymore would be the scariest thing ever.

Actually, the dimples in my gigantic ass after a month of all-you-can-eat fries would be the scariest thing ever… or maybe the sexiest?

Nope.

McDonald's McChoco Potato FriesMcDonald’s is introducing McChoco Potato fries, which will be covered in chocolate for all you serial killers out there.

McDonalds is testing a spin on it’s classic French fries, drizzling them with chocolate and calling them McChoco Potato. You can have your fries with two types of chocolate sauces: chocolate with cacao flavor and white milk chocolate.

McDonald’s hopes this combination will give customers a salty and sweet harmonious taste, so the customer can eat them as a side to a burger, or as a dessert.

Here’s what I don’t understand. McDonald’s has the best fast food fries in the solar system – this fact is indisputable – so why would they tinker with something so extraordinarily perfect?

Here’s an idea, let’s paint a beer helmet on the Mona Lisa. While we’re at it, how about we install wood paneling on a ’67 Pontiac GTO? Oh, I know, maybe force Emma Stone to get an arm sleeve of tattoos?

Stop f**king with perfection, McDonald’s. Asshats!