This Story Will Need A Translator

A Melbourne, Australia man has been arrested after he struck a man with a didgeridoo during an Australian Rules Football game.

A 26-year-old man has been arrested and accused of attacking a man with a didgeridoo after an AFL game in Melbourne on Saturday night.

Yeah, I have no idea what a didgeridoo is, but is sounds dirty.

Police arrested Jesse Gardiner at Sylvia Street, Dandenong North in Melbourne’s south-east, on Wednesday morning. It’s alleged Gardiner struck a 25-year-old Essendon man with a digeridoo outside the MCG after the Dreamtime AFL game about 10.40pm.

I don’t think I know any of the words above, with the possible exception of “Wednesday.”

The victim, Daniel, suffered a fractured skull, broken nose and bloodied eye.

Gardiner was charged with “affray”… okay, I’m done. Sorry, but I don’t speak Foster’s Lager.

Make Camping Great Again

Sex workers in the city of Melbourne, Australia have erected – heh – a “sex tent” so they can ply their wares in the great wide open.

Residents of a crime-ridden suburb of Melbourne, Australia, have expressed their fury after sex workers erected a tent brothel in a children’s playground.

One local from the Hemmings Park precinct in Dandenong West said she had reported the grubby tent to her local council, complaining that the area was turning into a lawless ghetto.

Speaking to the Herald Sun, she described the scene: “There were sleeping bags inside, along with a whole heap of condom wrappers. This is meant to a place for kids,” she said, “with a large playground and skateboard ramps, it was there for almost four months, it was shocking.”

Hey, don’t judge! I learned everything I know about sex on the street, and every single woman I have ever been worth said I was “mediocre at best.” I mean, you can’t but that kind of good publicity.

Guards Visit The Land “Down Under”

A handful of Australian security guards allegedly created a Wuhan Virus outbreak after they decided to “have a naughty” with quarantined hotel guests.

A second wave of coronavirus infections in Australia has been blamed on security guards who admitted having sex with quarantined travelers at the hotel where they were being held.

Suspected covid-19 sufferers staying at the five-star Stamford Plaza in Melbourne were told to isolate in their rooms for a 14-day period after arriving in Australia at the peak of the coronavirus pandemic.

An investigation has been launched after 31 cases of coronavirus were linked to the luxury Melbourne hotel, with guards revealing they had slept with solo guests multiple times weeks ago and had even taken some of them to 7-11 stores and busy shopping centres.

First, this is a terrible breach of trust by the security guards and they should be punished. Second, where can I apply, and how amenable are Australian women toward red-blooded American males?

Cocaine’s A Helluva Drug

Meet Tara Seymour.

Tara is a nurse in Melbourne, Australia. While she is committed to her patient’s needs, you may request she wash her hands – and her “down under” – before she enters your room.

Tara Seymour appeared before the Victorian Civil and Administrative Tribunal in March after failing a drug test last November. She had previously admitted taking drugs on a Thai holiday and cocaine at a party — but denied consuming drugs before the test.

She told VCAT in the hours before the test she had sex with a “very sweaty” man without contraception, and that she didn’t bathe or use the bathroom between the sex and providing the urine sample.

However, a chemical pathologist, Julia Chang, who appeared at the hearing said Ms Seymour’s version of events was “highly improbable.” Dr Chang’s opinion was it would require half a litre of semen or sweat to get a similar result and said no semen was detected in the urine sample.

Ironically enough, I pump out a litre of semen during every boinking session; and most of it is my own!