Dix Gets Shafted By A Vagina

Meet Ashley Beth Rolland of Monroe, Louisiana. Ashley is an attractive, loving woman, who would do anything for her boyfriend.

Especially if his money needs to be kept warm.

The Ouachita Parish Sheriff’s Office said that 23-year-old Ashley Beth Rolland was accused of stealing about $5,000 from her boyfriend.

The victim, Eugene Dix, told the West Monroe Police Department that he was taking a shower in his apartment when Rolland helped himself to his cash and vanished. When she was questioned, Rolland allegedly confessed to police that she had taken the money.

Sheriff’s department documents said that when a female correctional officer searched Rolland when she was being processed, she discovered $6,233 and “a clear plastic bag” of methamphetamine inside the woman’s vagina.

Eh, what? First, you’re not a kangaroo, and second, if your vagina looks like a wallet, you have more serious problems than your upcoming court case. Sadly, that’s not the most bizarre part of this story…

Rolland denied that the bag of approximately one gram of methamphetamine found inside her was hers. (H/T – Jim F. and Al)

Yep, Ashley was just sitting on a park bench, minding her own business, when some stranger shoved a baggie of meth into her vagina.

When Cameron Was In Egypt Land….

Meet Cameron Jeffrey Wilson. Cameron is a busy man, and while he tries to juggle all the items on his plate, sometimes he drops the ball… or the meth.

Cameron Jeffrey Wilson, 27, was carrying a pistol in his front pocket while in his Cashmere, Wash., apartment on April 5 when the firearm accidentally discharged and pierced his groin and thigh. Wilson, who is a 13-time convicted felon, told his girlfriend to dispose of the weapon before heading to the hospital.

When the ex-con finally went to the hospital, a balloon of marijuana slipped out of his anus while a doctor was operating on the gunshot wound.

They’re called kegel exercises, Cameron. Maybe you’ve heard of them?

Cops also arrived at the hospital when alerted of the gunshot wound and searched Wilson’s car where they discovered a bag of meth in the blood-stained jeans he was wearing when he shot himself. (H/T – TXNick)

So Cameron lost his meth, lost his testicles, and lost his ability to keep items inside his bunghole. Oh well, at least the shower sex won’t sting as much in prison.

Meth Becomes Her

Chastity Eugina HopsonMeet Chastity Eugina Hopson.

Chastity enjoys dabbling in pharmaceuticals; a hobby which possibly affected her cognitive abilities and decision-making processes. Either that, or she is the dumbest woman in all of Texas.

A Central Texas police department issued a “breaking news alert” on Facebook, cautioning residents that meth and heroin in the Granite Shoals area “could be contaminated with the life-threatening disease Ebola.” Last week’s fake Facebook alert urged the public “NOT” to ingest those illicit drugs “until it has been properly checked for possible Ebola contamination” by the police department.

There are no Ebola-contaminated drugs. The alert was a hoax played on the citizens of Granite Shoals, a town of about 5,000 northwest of Austin. But the arrest of 29-year-old Chastity Eugina Hopson is not a joke. She was accused of possessing under a gram of a controlled substance. The police department described Hopson’s arrest as “the winner of the Facebook post challenge.”

Having spent two decades in law enforcement, I have some experience with the zombifying effects of meth. Considering her low-hanging gullet, and all-around plumpitude, Chastity is definitely a rookie on the meth circuit. Personally, I think a little meth would do her good, and thin her out a little.

Sadly, that won’t help her severely limited intellect.