Chelsi Is An Honest Injun

Meet the absolutely adorable Chelsi Leahy.

Chelsi didn’t appear to pay much attention in school, and she certainly failed the “Street Smarts” lectures while growing up. If she had, she wouldn’t walk up to a cop and tell him she was in possession of drugs.

A Florida Woman is behind bars on a felony narcotics charge after she allegedly approached a cop and asked, “Can you arrest me? I have drugs on me.”

Bravo, Chelsi! *golf clap*

Police were handling a call Tuesday night outside a St. Petersburg bar when Chelsi Leahy, 30, reportedly requested to be busted by a corporal with the Pinellas County Sheriff’s Office.

Leahy, investigators say, “removed two small baggies from her pockets” and handed them to the cop, saying that they contained methamphetamine.

Well, if nothing else, Chelsi is at least an honest drug addict.

This Guy Made A Meth Of Things

Meet Roy Porter of West Virginia. Roy was driving down the highway, minding his own business, when he was stopped for a traffic violation. Porter cooperated with police, and when he went to give the officer his registration, he gave him something else entirely.

On April 17, officers with the Bridgeport Police Department were conducting a traffic stop on a vehicle for improper registration while at mile marker 125 on I-79, according to a criminal complaint.

Officers spoke with the vehicle’s driver, Roy Porter, 57, who handed officers a packet that they thought was the registration of the vehicle, however, a small plastic bag fell out. Inside the bag, were “a couple pieces of crystal-like substance,” and officers led a K9 unit around the area of the vehicle to perform a free-air sniff which resulted in a positive indication.

Porter was found to be in possession of 4 grams of meth, and a passenger in the vehicle, Jared Mayle, 21, of Salem, had 220 grams of meth.

Wow, Porter doesn’t look like a junkie. He does, however, resemble Doc Brown from Back to the Future.

The Prom Queen And King Of Nebraska

Meet Maggie Welling and Robert Vantine, the most attractive couple in all of Nebraska. Maggie and Robert like to have fun on the open road, especially when they play chicken with patrol cars.

An officer conducted a traffic stop in the Super Saver parking lot at 27th & Cornhusker after a vehicle heading westbound on Cornhusker violated a red light around 2:25 a.m., according to Lincoln Police.

The vehicle nearly collided with a police car that was heading northbound on 27th Street. In the vehicle were the driver, 45-year-old Maggie Welling, and her passenger, 35-year-old Robert Vantine.

They seem like such nice people, so why wouldn’t the officers let them go?

Officers then conducted a probable search of the vehicle and located: 247.3 grams (8.7ounces) of suspected methamphetamine, 171 prescription pills (various types), 5.3g grams of psilocybin mushrooms, 2 glass pipes, and $400 in Welling’s possession.

Oh. I hereby withdraw my question above.

Let’s Go (To Jail) Brandon!

Meet Brandon Cihak of Mankato, Minnesota. Brandon was stopped by police recently, and during a search, police found methamphetamine inside his sweatpants. This may shock you, but Brandon declared, “They’re not mine!”

After police found a bag of methamphetamine in his pocket, the 37-year-old Minnesotan disavowed ownership of the drug, claiming that the sweatpants he was wearing were not his own.

Cihak, who had been searched following a traffic stop Wednesday morning in Mankato, “attempted to blame the methamphetamine on another individual,” Officer Eric Lopez noted in a probable cause statement. Cihak, Lopez added, “stated he was wearing the other individual’s pants.”

But the 5’11” Cihak’s bid to pin the drug rap on the unnamed fall guy/gal did not sway Lopez, who reported that “Cihak is substantially taller than the individual he claimed to be the owner of the pants.” The purported trouser owner is “only 4 feet, 1 inch tall,” according to Lopez.

In fairness, the kids these days do roll up their sweatpants. I doubt they would roll them up nearly two feet, but nice try, Brandon.

Who Wants Chicken Meth And Waffles?

A Tennessee Waffle House cook has been arrested after he was found selling methamphetamine with his waffles. I guess that is the impetus of all those Waffle House fights.

Investigators allege that Anthony James Silcox, a 31-year-old cook, sold meth from a Waffle House in Caryville, a town 30 miles from Knoxville.

Cops, search warrant in hand, raided the Waffle House Friday afternoon and arrested Silcox while he was “standing at the grill.”

A search of Silcox yielded 3.3 grams of a “crystal like substance” believed to me meth, as well as drug paraphernalia, according to a complaint affidavit. Silcox, cops reported, stated that he was just “trying to make a living” and was currently residing in his Ford F-150 truck and at “random motels.”

Honestly, a Waffle House cook probably isn’t making a ton of money, but it should be enough to make a living. Selling drugs isn’t worth being arrested and losing your job.

This Guy Has Skin In The Game

A Flori-Duh man who allegedly dabbles in drug dealing, was dismayed when his jailers found his secret internal stash of methamphetamine.

A man whose rap sheet includes more than a dozen drug convictions was arrested last month after jailers discovered four “crystal rocks” of methamphetamine stored inside the defendant’s “penis skin,” according to an arrest affidavit.

Shaft Bang Adams, 30, was collared in mid-May for driving with a suspended or revoked license and booked into the Orange County jail on the misdemeanor count.

Honestly, Shaft Bang Adams is the perfect name for this jackass.

During the jail intake process, Adams was subjected to a strip search during which a correctional officer reported finding “4 crystal rocks white in color inside the ‘penis skin’ of Mr. Adams.” A subsequent field test of the rocks “tested positive for Methamphetamine.”

Now I don’t want to make assumptions, but I’m torn between thinking Shaft hides his drugs under a giant foreskin, or he jams it into his dick hole. (Is dick hole even a word?)

Would You Like Sauerkraut With That?

The Phoenix Police Department recovered a ridiculous amount of methamphetamine and fentanyl this week, and for some reason the drugs were covered in mustard.

Phoenix PD say they recovered 11 pounds of meth, 53,000 M30 fentanyl pills, and $11,758 during an investigation Monday.

Police say while robbery detectives were investigating a home invasion at a house near 35th Avenue and Indian School Road. That’s when officers recovered the pills, the money and the mustard-covered meth.

No other details were released and no information regarding arrests has been made available yet.

The bad mews is all that mustard was waster. The good news is the people who were in possession of the narcotics will likely be murdered before week’s end.

Trust Our Federal Employees

An agent with Customs and Border Protection has been accused of smuggling methamphetamine and suboxone into a Washington prison for her criminal boyfriend. But remember, our federal institutions are completely above reproach.

A U.S. Customs and Border Protection officer is under federal investigation for allegedly smuggling methamphetamine and suboxone into a Washington State prison for her boyfriend, a member of the Rollin’ 60s Crips street gang who is serving 69 years for shooting and killing a homeless man at a Seattle bus shelter, according to an FBI search warrant application obtained by The Daily Beast.

Officer Melissa Mesa, who has yet to be charged with a crime, is accused of sneaking the illicit substances into Washington State’s Clallam Bay Corrections Center at the request of her alleged love interest, Say Keodara. The two reportedly met through Mesa’s son, who had previously been locked up at the same facility, the document states.

In 2013, Keodara was convicted of murder for a 2011 shooting that left three other victims wounded. Prosecutors said Keodara opened fire on his four victims during a botched robbery at a bus shelter, reportedly because he was “angry that none had money or valuables to give him.” (H/TMis. Hum.)

I’m not sure which is more puzzling; the fact that she allegedly smuggled narcotics into the prison or that she has not been charged with a crime.

Meth Teacher Of The Year!

Meet Robin Ramos of Lakeland, Florida. Robin has a stressful job, and sometimes she needs to relax with a glass of wine, classical music, and methamphetamine. And she did this on a school night!

40-year-old Robin Ramos was arrested on drug charges around 1:00 am, in the parking lot of a RaceTrac store at 6650 Hwy 98 North in Lakeland. Ramos is employed as a teacher at Kathleen Middle School. Their website shows Ramos is a 6th Grade Math teacher.

As the deputy pulled into the parking lot, she noticed that Ramos appeared to be asleep in the driver seat of a silver Nissan Altima, so the deputy checked to make sure she was well. Once awakened, Ramos told the deputy that she was waiting for someone to come drive her home since she doesn’t have a driver’s license.

She doesn’t have a driver’s license, but she’s sitting in a car behind the steering wheel. Makes sense.

The keys to the car were not located. However, a syringe containing a clear liquid was found on the passenger seat of the car. Additionally, a metal spoon encrusted with a white crystal-like substance was also found in the car. Field testing of both items indicated that the substances were methamphetamine.

In fairness, how many elementary school teachers don’t do meth? You try sitting in a classroom full of Florida kids, whining and screaming all day.

What A Meth She Made

Meet Valerie Lee Prince of Jacksonville, Florida.

Valerie is an elementary school teacher, and while her job is stressful, she has more than enough coping mechanisms at her disposal.

Valerie Lee Prince, a first grade teacher at Jacksonville Heights Elementary School in Jacksonville, was in contact with an undercover officer with the Clay County Sheriff’s Office, according to a news release.

An audio recording that CCSO made and provided to the media revealed a woman talking to an officer about buying an $85 “eight ball” –an eighth of an ounce — of methamphetamine.

The woman, who the CCSO identified as Prince, is heard telling the undercover officer he can come to the school before kids arrive at 8:30 a.m. or during her lunch break at 11 a.m.

Most teachers usually head toward the lounge and drink whiskey during their lunch break. It’s nice to see Valerie can subvert everyone’s expectations.

By the way, if the meth sores didn’t scare you, the Marty Feldman eyes surely will.