Their Loss Is Humanity’s Gain

America’s millennials are having less sex than any generation before them. Apparently they are too busy feeding their Twitter addiction and upgrading their “woke” status.

Dating apps such as Tinder and Bumble may have made “hooking up” (arranging sex) easier than ever but experts believe the generation traditionally associated with the most free and easy times – young people – are having far less fun under the covers than their parents’ generation. The phenomenon is acknowledged widely enough to have been dubbed the “sex recession”.

The “Millennial sex recession” was first coined just over a year ago by The Atlantic, which ran a feature highlighting an American study revealing young people born in the 1980s and ’90s were more than twice as likely to report having no sexual partners as adults compared to people born in the 1960s and ’70s.

Among those aged 20-24, 15 per cent reported having had no sexual partners since age 18, compared to 6 per cent of those born in the ’60s and ’70s.

Personally, I think this is a fantastic development. Less sex means less millennial parents, which means less dullards populating the world… for the time being.

Me No Horny

Comedian Jim Jeffries – a man I consider a leftist hack, but whatever – set off to Japan to make a comedy video, and he found something rather amazing: apparently, Japanese millennials are not having sex. At all.

In the video, Jeffries interviews “four single Japanese millennials” to find out what their thoughts are on dating. While the lineup may be controversial — with the inclusion of a maid and a Japanese YouTuber who once faced criticism for racist comments — the answers they provide to Jeffries’ questions suggest that some men may be intimidated by women, preferring to sit back and wait for them to make the first move instead.

As they discuss the issue further, it becomes apparent that “as women become more empowered, men need to update their vision of an ideal mate“. And while some of the difficulties they face in finding a perfect partner aren’t all that different from other countries, there’s a stark difference in one of the reasons given for the low birthrate, as suggested by the manager of a Tokyo marriage agency.

So wait, millennial soy-boys aren’t coveted by the deliciously desirable Japanese babes? Wow, you could have knocked me down with Godzilla. Ladies, if you’re searching for real men with which to knock boots, fly to the states and contact a few American conservatives. You will not be disappointed.

The Best News You’ll Hear All Day

This isn’t the first time I have read a study about this topic, but its frequency fills me with pride… and laughter.

The confusion over the rules of romance in the digital age shared by Koch and so many others might explain why millions of Americans are having less sex than previous generations did at the same age. Add in a focus on building a career before having a family, and it all may be contributing to a national birthrate that keeps falling.

There is no “confusion” over the rules of dating. The rules are crystal clear. Men cannot say hello to a woman without being accused of rape or something equally disgusting. The people responsible for these rules are millennials like the toolbox NPR interviewed for this piece. It’s your own fault, dumbass!

Part of the explanation is the challenges of online dating. Part of it is that people are spending more time alone on the Internet. Part of it is about young men and women waiting longer to find life partners or to cohabitate as they prioritize getting their careers and finances in order.

You see, NPR is treating this issue as a negative instead of a positive. Less dating, less sex, and a lower birth rate for millennial couples is not a good outcome… it’s a wonderful, fantastic outcome! The last thing America needs is millennials spreading their warped seed and unleashing something worse than millennials into the population.

Please millennials, avoid the dating sites, get on your PlayStation, and spare the rest of us.

Speaking Of Millennials…

A new study claims millennials are unable to finance a home because they’re too busy spending their money on idiotic destination bachelor/bachelorette parties.

Thank you, Captain Obvious.

If owning a home is high on your bucket list, you might want to think twice before jetting off to destination bachelor or bachelorette parties. Real estate website Zillow suggests that lavish pre-wedding bashes might also be the real culprit hindering those homeowner dreams.

The study found that attending nine destination bachelorette parties in your lifetime can set you back upwards of $13,788. In other words, you could spend up to 35 percent of a down payment on a median-price home celebrating a friend’s nuptials.

“According to our most recent study of wedding guests and wedding party members — The Knot 2018 Wedding Guest Study — members of the wedding party spend, on average, $584 attending each bachelor or bachelorette party. This price includes their costs to travel, accommodations and gifts,” Kristen Maxwell Cooper, The Knot editor in chief, told TODAY Home.

My sister and her friends have been doing this for years, and they’ve shown no signs of letting up. I mean, I guess you want to live life to the fullest when you’re young, but eventually you need to realize some things are more important than partying. Silly things like having a roof over your head.

The End Is At Hand

The Age of the Millennials is at hand, and since most of these dullards can barely tie their shoes, businesses have to work harder to get qualified employees. In this case, professionals are teaching millennials how to balance a checkbook.

Seriously.

There are approximately 67 million 20- to 34-year-olds in the United States, and many turn to technology to acquire necessary life skills they never learned growing up. Sorting laundry, changing a tire, and balancing a checkbook can be learned through a three-minute YouTube video. TaskRabbit and Thumbtack have stepped in to fill the void for those who can’t or don’t want to do household chores. Apps can remind you when to seed your lawn.

Liana Yocavitch wishes she were better at tasks like gardening and fixing things, but, “afforded the luxury of the internet and apps,” there’s no need.

“Having the information of how to do things so accessible means you don’t have to internalize those lessons — you can just look it up,” said Emma Steiner, a licensed clinical social worker at the Council for Relationships in University City and Center City. “This generation doesn’t need to have a repertoire of recipes, because the internet is a click away, telling you what to make for dinner and how to do it.”

You know, the best thing about an EMP attack is the millennials will be the first people to die off.

For Whom The Doorbell Tolls

Just when you thought millennials couldn’t be more pathetic, I give you this: doorbell phobia.

“Doorbells are just so sudden. It’s terrifying,” says Tiffany Zhong, 20, the founder of Zebra Intelligence, which helps companies conduct custom research and gather insights on people born in the past two decades.

There’s no published research about doorbell phobia, but it’s a real thing. In a poll by a Twitter user earlier this month that got more than 11,000 votes, 54% of respondents said “doorbells are scary weird.”

Some millennials and Gen Zers say they won’t even consider answering a ring at the door until they’ve checked the security camera.

Yes, because all home invaders ring the bell before kicking in the door and sodomizing the residents. I swear to Vishnu, these people make the dope-smoking, patchouli-soaked, filthy hippie Baby Boomers look sane.

True Neighbor Stories

Our first day back from the beach did not go exactly as planned. We hoped to have a quiet day, interspersed with unpacking the cars and placing the beach gear into the shed. Unfortunately, our jackass millennial neighbors had other plans.

You see, these wastes of oxygen have loud, drunken parties every summer weekend, and many weekends throughout the year. Their idiotic white trash pals come from miles around because my neighbors apparently are the only ones in their MENSA clique who own a backyard. They swipe the parking spaces on our street, blast music through the neighborhood, and let their dogs roam free.

(The idiots next door removed part of their backyard fence; apparently to make it easier to roll kegs in.)

At about 11am, the first wave of stupid rolled in. Most of them were females, which would normally be a good thing, but my neighbor and all her girlfriends are either morbidly obese, tattooed up, or dumb as dog shite. We soon learned the girls were here for a fantasy football draft; which naturally had to be held outside.

Stereotypes exist for a reason, as I soon learned during their first round. Consider these actual quotes:

“Um, what team does Aaron Rodgers play for?”

“I really only know players from the Eagles.”

Girl power, indeed. These bints were as clueless as a white girl marching in a Black Lives Matter rally, yet they persisted. Any hoo, about an hour later the beta males showed up. The conversation took a decidedly stupid downturn, and at one point a male and female were discussing slavery. I did not catch the entire conversation – I was in and out of the shed – but I did catch this little tidbit:

Male: “You do know the underground railroad was an actual railroad, right?”
Female: “No it wasn’t!”
Male: “Yeah, true story. It was a real railroad which sometimes went underground.”
Female: “Really? Wow.”

The Most Shocking Story Of The Year

You may want to sit down for this, and if you’re standing at the urinal, hold on to your hats. A new study has found millennials are the most narcissistic generation evah.

We might not agree on phone etiquette, or what to put on the radio – but there’s one thing older and younger generations agree on.

Millennials (born between 1980 and 1994) are the most narcissistic – according to a study that consulted both millennials and their grandparents’ generations,

But there is one thing they disagree on: the extent of their narcissism. Older generations think millennials’ narcissism goes beyond what millennials themselves will admit.

Every generation has its faults, but I have never seen people more self-centered or outright obnoxious than millennials. Our next door neighbors, for example, are horrible. They throw loud parties every weekend, take our parking spaces, refuse to shovel their snow, and leave their trash cans out front.

The complete disrespect many millennials show is horrifying, so when my kids are older and want to have raucous parties while the neighbor’s kids are sleeping, I’ll be all for it.

The Lamest Generation

Millennials – humanity’s D-students – are forgoing sex in favor of reading, cuddling, and talking about their feelings. So it’s official: these drones are truly good for nothing.

It’s a less sexy time to be young than it used to be, despite millennials’ reputation as bed-hoppers. A study published in the journal Archives of Sexual Behavior finds that younger millennials — born in the 1990s — are more than twice as likely to be sexually inactive in their early 20s as the previous generation was. Even older millennials are more sexually active than this younger group is.

Recent research also shows that overall, millennials — people born between the early 1980s and 2000 — have fewer sexual partners than the baby boomers and those in Generation X, the group immediately preceding them.

Granted, the vast majority of young adults are still having sex, but an increasing number of them appear to be standing on the sidelines.

The upside, of course, is there will be fewer shiftless, entitled babies being born. It’s like the catch-22 of abortion; sure, I’m against it, but I am all for less Democrats polluting the planet.