Just Another Night In Smashville

A Tennessee man and his friend were almost severely injured when a vehicle pulled alongside him and threw fireworks into the driver’s convertible. Well, Nashville is off the list.

Around 10:15 p.m. Sunday night, Colin Kirby was leaving the city after watching the July Fourth fireworks when a lit firework was tossed into his open convertible.

“They lit it, then rolled down the window and threw it,” said Colin Kirby. “At the same time, they went around the corner.”

Kirby was driving in his convertible with a friend when people in a white car pulled up beside him. Someone in the backseat tossed the firework which landed behind Kirby’s head. Miraculously, Kirby and his passenger weren’t seriously injured by the flaming firework.

Imagine being such an a-hole that you’d think throwing lit fireworks into someone’s car was funny. You know, if we had machine guns mounted on our cars this would never happen.

A Friend In Need Is A Friend Who’ll Plead

Meet Natasha Nancel and Melvil Arnt of Nashville, Tennessee.

Natasha was drinking a bit too much, but thought she was sober enough to drive home. When she crashed into a ditch, she decided to call Melvil. The comedy writes itself.

Metro Police responded to a crash at 12:04 AM Thursday morning at 2020 Cooper Lane, to a report of a vehicle crashed into a ditch. The driver of the crashed vehicle, identified as Natasha Nancel, was found outside her vehicle, and police note she smelled of alcohol and admitted to looking at her phone and swerving off the roadway. She told officers she had a glass of wine and an espresso martini at the Fox Bar just before driving.

Before police arrived, she had called her friend to assist her with her crashed vehicle. The friend, identified as Melvil Arnt, was observed by police while at the scene, and he admitted to striking Nancel’s crashed vehicle with his truck. He admitted to drinking “two beers” prior to driving.

Ironically, if this was Grand Theft Auto, Melvil would have received bonus points for striking Natasha’s car, but would have forfeited any extra boosts because the police caught him. Dumbass.

Kroger Kriminal Kicked To Kurb

Meet Cora Hennig of Nashville, Tennessee.

Cora is a lonely, bored housewife with nothing to do all day but sit and drink. Cora doesn’t drink alone, however; she heads to the local Kroger’s where she lets shoppers enjoy the full Cora experience.

40-year-old Cora Hennig was charged with public intoxication after police responded to a brawl at Kroger and she blatantly admitted to drinking.

Whoa, this chick is only forty? Good lord woman, dial it back a bit!

On September 21st, Metro Nashville Officers responded to Kroger located at 800 Monroe Street in reference to Cora Hennig fighting with another individual.

When police arrived both parties denied fighting, but Cora freely admitted to drinking. Officers observed she had slurred speech, red watery eyes, and was unsteady on her feet. According to the affidavit, Cora is drunk daily on Kroger’s property or in that general area.

Readers, take a note. If I decide to move to Tennessee, make sure I steer clear of Nashville.

No, No, No, No, No!

A tractor trailer carrying a load of chocolate through Tennessee suddenly caught fire and burned to the ground. Sadly, there were no chocolate survivors.

A six-mile backup has been reported along Interstate 24 eastbound in Robertson County after a tractor trailer caught fire.

The driver told fire crews he was heading east on I-24 near Pleasant View when he started hearing popping noises coming from his truck. He pulled over and saw his truck was on fire. The driver was not injured.

One eastbound lane reopened around 4 a.m.; however, the backups continue.

Police were overloaded later that evening with calls from menstruating women and Brian Stetler.