This Godforsaken Year Is Almost Over

While it’s conceivable that none of us will be attending a lavish New Year’s Eve party tonight – thanks fascist Democrat politicians – it is possible some of you will sneak out to get some thrills before the worst year in recorded history concludes.

Of course, your New Year’s Eve could be like mine last year, where I spent three hours waiting for someone to change Kyle’s tire on the coldest night of the year. He popped a tire on his way to a party, I sat and waited for the tow AFTER I drove him to the party. By time I got home, all the munchies were gone, because my kids are little piggies.

But I digress.

That said, the majority of people on the roads tonight will be either mildly toasted, or vomiting in their own laps. Don’t drink and drive, and if you have to drive, steer clear of populated roads. It’s a terrible night for accidents, especially fatals. I certainly cannot lose any more readers, and I’m not a good enough blogger to attract new ones.

Goodbye 2019!

Well, another year has come and gone, and while mine ended on a fuzzy note, I am still is a pretty healthy position. My eye is getting better, and with the exception of a mild annoyance in my left shoulder, I’m good. Christmas food jumped me up to 186 pounds instead of 183, but I’ll make quick work of that.

Work is still work, and the two weeks away from that awful place has done me a lot of good. I don’t miss it. At all.

The blog has been fairly productive. I’m still averaging between 200-300 visits a day, and while that’s nowhere near my old numbers, it’s nice to have you guys around to keep me sane.

Tonight is New Year’s Eve, and while I say this every year, it’s important. Please do not drink and drive tonight. The highways will be filled with drunks, and they don’t care who or what they hit. Call a friend, hire an Uber, or just stay home. It’s not worth your life.

/sermon

Caption Contest Winners

The Don’t Fence Me In Caption Contest is now over.

Top Five Entries:
5. Attica!!, Attica!!, Attica!! – Sully
4. Refugees trying to flee McDonald’s were stopped at the border and detained for questioning. – Mike
3. Ohhhh the irony…..snowflakes standing outside in snowflakes. – Kevin
2. Various dumb ass feminists begin lining up for the first “Hillary in 2020!” campaign rally. – William

WINNER! – Completely baffled by the simplicity of the new border wall, illegal immigration drops to zero! – Dalek

Weekend Caption Contest

Don’t Fence Me In Caption Contest
(Source: Associated Press)

Caption this photo in the comments section. The winners will be posted on Monday, January 8th.

Original Caption: Spectators gather ahead of the New Year’s Eve celebration in Times Square in New York, on Sunday, Dec. 31, 2017. New Yorkers, celebrity entertainers and tourists from around the world will pack into Times Square for what’s expected to be a flashy but frigid celebration marking the start to the new year. (Photo: Peter Morgan/AP)

The Wind Cries Hairy

eloisa-gonzalez-revealing-dressMeet Eloisa Gonzalez.

Eloisa is a Canarian television info-babe who has been a New Year’s Eve staple forever. This year, Eloisa made more than a few balls drop at midnight.

Tenerife-born Eloisa Gonzalez has been tasked with leading the countdown to January 1 on Canarian television for nearly a decade. But the regional state TV channel’s decision to transmit live on the windy island of La Gomera turned this weekend’s show into the most memorable.

Her high cut dress gave the impression she wasn’t wearing underwear.

The 35-year-old, who began her TV career as a reporter covering the famous Canary Islands carnivals, said despite the apparent evidence to the contrary: ‘I wasn’t aware of what had happened at the time and I didn’t even notice the cold.

No, but every other male viewer noticed. How come the United States had to watch a doped-up Mariah Carey, and the Canary islands were blessed with seeing mile-long legs? It just isn’t fair.

Dear Verizon, could you please add Canarian television to my subscription service, please?

Times Square Bombed

mariah-carey-bombs-on-new-years-eve

New York City’s Times Square was bombed Saturday night, and a manhunt is underway for the suspect: washed-up lip-syncher Mariah Carey.

Mariah Carey suffered through a nightmare train wreck performance in Times Square on New Years’s Eve as technical problems left her completely out-of-syc with her lip syncing track – causing her to storm off stage.

On stage in New York City she appeared unable to hear any backing track, so stopped pretending to sing and put a hand on her hip while the vocal track of her voice carried on without her.

Trying to keep calm, she stopped and told the crowd that despite the performance falling apart at the seams, ‘I’m trying to be a good sport here’. Her backup dancers bravely carried on, but quickly became confused leading Mariah to say, ‘It is what it is. It just don’t get any better’ – at which point she walked off the stage.

Letting emotion get the better of her, the star also said, ‘I wanted a holiday too. Can’t I just have one?’

I don’t know, Mariah. I wanted a holiday where my ears didn’t bleed, and you ruined that.

We were watching ABC on New Year’s Eve, but changed the channel when Carey took the stage. I now thoroughly and deeply regret it.

Auld Bang Syne?

New Year's Eve Babe2015 has been a year chock full of terror attacks, so it should come as no surprise the NYPD will have their hands full in Times Square tonight.

Nearly 6,000 police officers — hundreds of them with long guns, radiation detectors and bomb-sniffing dogs — will be guarding New York’s Times Square as a year punctuated by terrorist attacks draws to a close, officials said Tuesday.

The NYPD and the FBI unveiled plans to protect the more than 1 million people who will throng to the Crossroads of the World on New Year’s Eve — including multi-layered checkpoints and a new 500-member Critical Response Command of elite counter-terrorism cops launched two months ago.

Personally, I never saw the appeal of celebrating New Year’s Eve in Times Square. It’s brutally cold, obnoxiously crowded, and a prime target for terrorists. I have confidence in the NYPD, but you couldn’t drag me to New York City tonight.

Whether you’re out and about, or just at a party with friends, keep your eyes open. If you’re drinking, make sure you have a designated driver or call a cab, an Uber, or just walk home. I need you guys back here in 2016.

Goodbye 2015!

Good Riddance 2015

F**K YOU, 2015! You sucked utter, total, and complete ass!

Okay, maybe the ass-suction was not total and complete, but let’s take a look back at the carnage this year has wrought. One of my best friends has been dealing with a variety of medical issues for most of the year, and I am powerless to help him. My partner walked into a robbery, before shooting and killing the thug. He is now dealing with the effects of PTSD. Work has been a nightmare these last few months, and the stress of it all has really taken its toll.

I had to shut down the old blog in September because of trolls who tried – unsuccessfully – to destroy my personal and professional life. After two months of vacillating between blogging or quitting forever, I chose the former. I made the conscious decision to not let those assholes destroy my work; to not let those pissflaps get to me. They won the battle. I guarantee I win the war.

The last two months here have helped redeem the previous ten. After killing three blogs in two years, I assumed I was done forever. No one would follow me to a new place, so why bother? You guys proved me wrong. The O.K. Corral easily earned over 20,000 hits in two months. We’re seeing between 500-600 hits a day now, and saw 900 hits on Christmas Eve, which is an amazing feat. I really like blogging again, and while not every post is a winner, I am trying to put more effort into writing.

Personally, I feel great right now. I’m down 30+ pounds – yesterday the scale read 182 – and jettisoning all my extra-large clothing. I’m off my pre-diabetes meds, and I’m jogging – not walking – for exercise. In hindsight, all that blog drama was probably the best thing that ever happened to me. I should send those ass hammocks a card… or at least a nice gift.

2016 will be a much better year, primarily because – for me – it can’t be much worse than 2015. I hope you all have a happy, safe, and fun-filled new year. Thanks so much for letting this blog be a part of it.