The Shite Has Hit The Fan Freezer

The Moore Police Department (OK) is investigating an incident where a man defecated into a grocery store’s freezer. Sorry ma’am, that’s not a Klondike bar.

A man allegedly defecated in a grocery store freezer Sunday night, and a woman who was shopping accidentally put her hand in it while reaching for groceries that were covering it.

“I pick up a bag of pizza rolls and there’s literally s–t,” Shirley Wright-Johnson said in a video of the incident. “Human s–t. Excuse my language.”

A Sunday trip to the store for she and her kids turned out to be more than what the Moore mom bargained for. “I was upset, I was disgusted, I feel like I was violated,” she said in an interview with KFOR.

The scumbag who allegedly did this is pictured above; not that you would be able to identify him – or his ass – by scouring that grainy, black and white photo. Good grief, Oklahoma, the Dust Bowl was nearly one hundred years ago. Update your apparatus!

A Severe Case Of The Munchies

An Oklahoma man led police on a miles-long chase after he stole a Doritos truck which was idling at a gas station. I guess it’s safer than stealing an armored car.

According to police in Oklahoma City, 34-year-old Joshua Karpe stole a Doritos delivery truck on March 21. The delivery driver had pulled up to a gas station and left the vehicle idling as he went inside. That was all Karpe needed as he jumped inside and took off, the Frito Lay employee noticing the truck was across the street in another parking lot. When he approached the stolen vehicle, Karpe took off.

As Karpe led police on a wild yet slow chase, Oklahoma Highway Patrol and Garfield County Sheriff’s Office assisted. As the man reportedly smashed into several law enforcement vehicles and the chase continued, backup from Enid police joined in.

Officers eventually an officer was able to shoot out the front driver’s side tire on the Doritos truck, which requires amazing marksmanship. Karpe was forced to stop, the chase ending just before Enid city limits. Somehow, nobody was hurt during the whole ordeal. There’s no information about how many bags of Doritos Karpe consumed during the chase.

If this dumbass wasn’t a dumbass, he would have taken the truck, parked it behind a building, and spent a week or so eating all the Cool Ranch Doritos.

Here Rums The Judge!

Meet Oklahoma Judge Kassie McCoy.

Kassie is a hot little minx who likes to relax after a hard day of judging. While some people would simply curl up near the fireplace with a good book, Kassie “allegedly” drank an entire bottle of champagne and decided to drive home. It did not go well.

An Oklahoma judge—who raised concerns in 2019 when she gave a repeat DUI offender probation rather than jail time—was arrested on Sunday for DUI. News 9 reported Rogers County Judge Kassie McCoy ran off the road several times before finally stopping in a parking lot.

A Claremore police officer found Judge McCoy behind the wheel with her head slumped toward her chest. After admitting to drinking a full bottle of champagne, she was arrested on suspicion of driving under the influence of alcohol. A breathalyzer test revealed a blood alcohol content of .35—more than four times the legal limit.

Wow, she must have been the belle of the ball in college.

McCoy drew criticism in 2019 when she gave Stephen Knoy probation after he was arrested for driving 115 miles an hour and having a blood alcohol of nearly twice the legal limit. It was Knoy’s seventh DUI.

Wow, it’s hard to believe a judge would show leniency to a fellow drunken traveler. I am shocked and appalled. Oh, as an aside, does everyone in Oklahoma revolve their lives around alcohol?

Oklahoma: Trees Are Made Of Wood

Meet Blakelee Sands of Oklahoma City, OK. Blakelee wanted to go out for a night on the town, but unfortunately, she is only 18. Luckily, Blakelee took her trusty fake ID to the bar, with hilarious results.

Investigators say that Blakelee Sands sought admittance Tuesday evening to a bar in Edmond, a city outside Oklahoma City. But she was turned away by a bouncer who confiscated her phony Texas ID, which carried the name “McKamie Queen.”

All of the names in the world and this dolt settles on McKamie Queen? Holy crap, this chick is a dullard.

When her demands for the ID’s return were rejected by bar personnel, Sands (seen at right) made the mistake of dialing police.

Cops responding to the 911 call were met by Sands, who recounted the seizure of her ID and the bar’s refusal to return it. The teenager insisted that the ID was authentic and that she was, in fact, “McKamie Queen.” However, when officers ran a computer check on the license number on the “Queen” ID, it came back to a male Texas motorist.

Unfortunately for “McKamie,” giving a false ID to a police officer is a felony, so she’ll be spending some time in the pokey to think about what she did.

**The obscure title reference can be found here.

Oklahoma Is Not OK

Despite what the corrupt anti-Trump media is reporting, everyone in America has not jumped aboard the impeachment train. Take the constituents of impeachment-curious Democrat Representative Kendra Horn. They’re not happy about their congress-critter spending time with a fake impeachment instead of working to improve Oklahoma.

Constituents ripped Democratic Oklahoma Rep. Kendra Horn, saying Democrats focus too much on impeachment and too little on improving the lives of Americans.

Horn, who represents most of Oklahoma, Pottawatomie and Seminole counties, spoke at a Sunday town hall meeting where voters angrily questioned her on why she continues to focus on impeachment. President Donald Trump won Horn’s district in the 2016 presidential election, and eight Republicans announced they will run for her vulnerable seat in 2020, according to the Oklahoman.

“As an independent voter, I think you’re in a lot of trouble if you vote for this impeachment,” said Edmond, Oklahoma, resident Susan Jaslow, the Oklahoman reported. Jaslow voted for Horn in 2018, but said she is upset about the impeachment circus. “If she votes for impeachment, she’s screwed,” Jaslow added.

“We want Congress to get back to work for the American people, please,” said Ronda Peterson, who identified herself as a conservative.

I’d like to think this is the norm instead of the exception, especially throughout middle America. The average American citizen is more concerned with their own quality of life, and very uninterested in political theatrics.

After three years of illegal spying, Stalinist show trials, and impeachment proceedings, I believe many voters will take out their frustrations on the Democratic Party next November.

The Gentleman’s Game

The sleepy town of Edmond, Oklahoma was the scene of a donneybrook at the Kickingbird Golf Course, when a solo golfer asked to play through a group of four men.

The single, a 55-year-old man, told police that when he approached the group and asked to play through, one of the members of the foursome, 67-year-old Eddie Aday took exception, telling the victim he worked at the course, which the victim didn’t care about. They then got into an argument, and the victim claims Aday got ‘nose-to-nose’ with him. The victim, a diagnosed paranoid schizophrenic, took a step back because he gets very nervous when other are in his personal space. When Aday approached him again, things turned violent.

“It escalated to the point that the victim was being hit in the head with a putter and the top of his head and the front of the head, and then another member of that foursome hit him from behind,” said Jenny Wagnon of the Edmond Police Department.

To make matters worse, another member of the foursome, 72-year-old William Hickman, joined in on the donnybrook and began hitting the victim on his buttocks and legs.

Mr. Aday scores a hole in one… in the single golfer’s skull. From the looks of things, Kickingbird is the only thing which didn’t happen to this poor bastard; he was certainly kicked everywhere else.

Not Your Average Loaded Magazine

Meet Donald Gaither.

Donald is a true gentleman who values his home and truly cares about his neighbors; except when they get him thrown out of the trailer park. Then, it’s go time.

Police said Donald Gaither had an ongoing disagreement with his neighbor Troy Bagley. Gaither reportedly thought Bagley had gotten him kicked out of a mobile home park in Pontotoc County (Oklahoma).

Things came to a head when Gaither showed up to Bagley’s home and yelled “come out and get some.”

Gaither was reportedly holding two knives with two more secured at his waist. He also had a large weight attached to a lanyard and had created a man-made armor of sorts, comprised of adult magazines taped to his body.

I can only hope Gaither used the Sandra Bernhard Playboy issue, and not, say, the Katarina Witt issue.

When “Using The Force” Goes Wrong

Meet Jerome Dewayne Whyte of Oklahoma City, OK.

Jerome is a sensitive boy who likes drinking, smoking weed, and ruining his life over idiotic arguments.

During the “Star Wars”/”Star Trek” argument, Burke Bradley Warren, 19 “became so frustrated” with Jerome Dewayne Whyte, 23, that he left the pair’s shared living area and went to his room. As he departed, Warren told Whyte, “You’re just a trick.”

That comment prompted Whyte to follow Warren into his room, where Whyte allegedly twice shoved his roommate to the floor and then sought to “choke out the victim.” While being strangled, Warren “went in and out of consciousness.”

Since police judged Whyte to be the “aggressor in this altercation,” he was arrested for assault and battery. He was also charged with marijuana possession. It is unknown which film Whyte, seen in the above mug shot, believed to be superior.

Whyte was obviously the Star Trek fan, since no self-respecting police officer would ever arrest a Star Wars aficionado.