Boyfriend Assaulted By Crackpot

A Florida woman was arrested after she allegedly assaulted her 69-year old boyfriend – heh, heh, “69” – after he refused to perform oral sex on her.

A Florida woman was arrested Sunday morning after allegedly battering her 69-year-old boyfriend after he refused to perform oral sex on her.

For the record, this is not the defendant. This is actress Zoe Saldana, and believe me, you would rather be looking at her instead of the defendant.

The Pinellas County Sheriff’s Department was called to a home in Largo, just west of Tampa, around 3 a.m. on Sunday following a disturbance between Katanya Jordan, 46, and her longtime boyfriend.

The victim claimed that the two had been arguing about Jordan smoking crack when she began yelling at him and demanding he perform oral sex. When he refused, she began “hitting and scratching him,” giving him “several small lacerations” which appeared to have been “caused by fingernails.”

You’d think Jordan would be mellow after smoking a shite-ton of crack, but apparently it makes her very angry, very violent… and very horny. Ugh, I just threw up in my mouth a little.

Mark Spits

I realize the past few days have been nothing but sex stories, but this one was sent to me by Ronni, and it’s both fascinating and disturbing.

A woman in Spain suffered a life-threatening allergic reaction to penicillin after performing oral sex on her partner.

The unidentified woman swallowed her lover’s semen and, afterwards, began to vomit, struggle to breathe and began breaking out in hives. The patient, from Alicante in Spain, went to the hospital with suspected anaphylactic shock.

Doctors in Spain ruled out a rare semen allergy when the woman admitted to doctors she never suffered any symptoms in her previous sexual encounters. Medical officials discovered that 32-year-old partner had taken moxicillin-clavulanic acid, a form of penicillin, to treat an ear infection. (H/T – Ronni)

True story: A female officer who worked in my division years ago failed a urinalysis test. The officer – who was eventually fired – told Internal Affairs investigators she had cocaine in her system because she swallowed her lover’s semen. Incredibly, the department bought that tripe, and allowed her to continue working.

New York’s Finest

A new York City police officer and her supervisor are under investigation after the officer allegedly performed oral sex on the supervisor… inside a patrol car… while on duty. And they would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for you meddling body cams!

The NYPD is probing claims a Brooklyn cop performed oral sex on her boss inside a squad car while on the job — blissfully unaware that her body camera was capturing crystal-clear audio of the deed.

During a recent midnight tour in East New York’s 75th Precinct, the officer and her sergeant purportedly started getting frisky inside their car, with the female cop tucking her body camera into her vest, thinking it was turned off.

But the camera was rolling throughout the action, capturing audio of the lusty law-officers — neither of whom was immediately identified by name — that left little to the imagination, sources said.

You know, there have been times when I’ve told coworkers, “This job blows.” I had no idea that was an accurate, literal statement.

Once You Pop, You Can’t Stop

Jacksonville, Flori-duh police are searching for a man who shot a woman after he received poor service.

The Jacksonville Sheriff’s Office told ActionNewsJax that around 10:23 p.m. Monday, a woman agreed to perform a sexual act with the suspect in exchange for $5 and Pringles potato chips.

After the act, the suspect demanded his $5 back and shot her in the shoulder before fleeing the scene on foot, the Sheriff’s Office said.

Okay, a few observations. First, what kind of tool haggles over a five dollar BJ? It’s not like you gave the woman a hundred bucks. Second, who demands Pringles as payment for oral sex? I mean, in all honesty, Pringles are freaking amazing, but really lady, can you do no better?

*For the record, the woman above is not the victim… obviously.

British Woman Really Loves The Tube

Meet Amanda Barrow (left).

Amanda is dealing with a bad breakup, and to compensate, she apparently found a “friend” on the subway. Amanda treats her friends very well.

A woman was shocked to see herself drunkenly perform a sex act with a stranger on police CCTV. Amanda Barrow, from Newbury, Berkshire, told a court she was so drunk that she had no memory of the incident which shocked a 16-year-old fellow passenger who immediately called police.

The 43-year-old was horrified to see CCTV images issued by police showing her with a man she did not know on a train passing through Aldermaston station in Berkshire and turned herself in to police.

Barrow, a full-time cleaner, had recently broken up with her partner and resorted to regular binge drinking sessions to deal with her heartbreak.

I’m guessing Amanda cleaned that guy’s pipes very well, and she probably performed her share of “drinking” after the act was completed.

Protein Shakes All Around!

Meet Jonathan Hightower and Lashanda Fisher.

Jonathan and Lashanda – if that is her real name – were dining inside the Baby Acapulco Mexican restaurant in Austin, Texas. Apparently the food is sub-par, because Lashanda’s mouth was otherwise preoccupied.

Cops summoned to the Mexican restaurant around 10:25 PM were told by a manager that two customers had been “engaged in oral sex at a booth inside the business in front of customers.” The couple, the worker added, had left the restaurant and were at an adjacent gas station.

Well, Lashanda had to clean herself up, and they didn’t want to use the restaurant’s show towels.

One witness told police she was eating when she “observed the female suspect giving oral sex to the male suspect.” The diner recalled the female suspect’s “head bobbing up and down towards the male suspect’s groin for about five minutes.” (H/T – RedneckGeezer)

Looking at Lashanda, I can understand why Jonathan still hadn’t finished after five minutes. Maybe she’ll learn some tips from her new cellmates?

The Misadventures Of Sheriff Hobo

Tracy Briley Mug ShotMeet Tracy Briley.

Tracy is a homeless man from Florida who likes to eat out, and his favorite entree is seafood; specifically, clams.

A Treasure Island Police Department officer found Tracy Briley, 50, with his shorts at his ankles and “penis out in plain view” around 1 PM Wednesday. Briley, the cop noted, “was performing cunnilingus on a female subject laying on the beach boardwalk.”

Briley told the officer that he was an “emergency responder and had to assist the female as it was his duty.”

Wait a minute, first responders are allowed to “assist” women with their tongues? Why was I not informed, and how can I transfer to Waikiki Beach?

When Officer Zakariah Dorman arrived on the boardwalk, Briley’s companion – who is not identified in the complaint – was clothed. She was subsequently transported to a local hospital in “reference to a medical issue.”

I’m not a doctor, but I’ll go out on a limb and say the woman caught more crabs that day than the crew of the Time Bandit.

Eat, Pray, Shove

Exhibitionists Pray For ForgivenessAn Irish man and an American woman literally prayed for forgiveness after being caught kneeling at the altar in Thailand.

An Irish tourist caught enjoying oral sex in public while on holidays has been fined €50 after handing himself into local cops.

A video of the chap having his todger tended to by a bikini-clad American lass went viral this month after the couple were caught red-handed by furious locals. The mucky movie begins with a woman shouting “hello, hello” after spotting the pair. A man calls out: “What are you doing here, why you f***ing outside here?”

After apologizing to authorities on Phi Phi Island the couple sucked up their punishment — accepting a fine of 2000 baht for acting inappropriately in public.

Wait a minute, Thailand – the sex capital of the free world and host to hoors and ladyboys – was outraged over two skinny white people testing their gag reflex? What year is this?

By the way, the Irish man also apologized and paid a $50 fine to the American woman for his tiny penis.

I Like Your Spunk

Megan Fox Licking LipsEggheads at the State University of New York have just released a study claiming oral sex is beneficial to women, and the amount of seminal fluid in their body determines their happiness level.

Hey, don’t look at me; I’m just the messenger. That said, there is no reason to blow off this study just because you may think it sucks.

Oral sex is good for women’s health and makes you feel happier, according to a study which studied the effects of semen’s ‘mood-altering chemicals’. It follows research which shows that seminal fluid contains chemicals that elevate mood, increase affection, induce sleep and also contain at least three anti-depressants.

Their findings also suggest that women who have unprotected sex with their partners – and therefore are getting regularly inseminated by them – experience more significant depression on breaking up with these men than those who were not as regularly exposed to an ex’s semen, and that they also go on the rebound faster in seeking new sexual partners. (H/TJim)

Interesting, but I’m not convinced about that last part. My entire dating career is littered with females who rebounded immediately after (or in some cases, before) our breakup, and– *sigh*

If you need me, I’ll be in my room downing a half gallon of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream.