His Pockets Are Overflowing

Meet Michael Phillips of Flori-Duh. Michael was out for a night on the town when he was stopped by police. During a frisk, police recovered one – or possibly two – weapons on the scene.

It was when the police pat down reached his groin region that Michael Phillips offered an explanation for the hard item in his underwear.

“That’s my dick,” the 20-year-old Florida Man told a deputy with the Pinellas County Sheriff’s Office. But it was not, in fact, Phillips’s dick.

I can assure you there are large parts on this guy, but none of them are below his waistline.

Phillips, who was a passenger in a stolen 2015 Chevrolet Equinox that got pulled over Saturday night in St. Petersburg, was actually packing a Glock 23 holding a magazine with 22 rounds.

According to the gun’s manufacturer, the Glock has a four-inch barrel and an overall length of 7.36 inches.

What a coincidence! That’s exactly the length of my, um, “gun.”

A Different Kind Of Chastity Belt

When searching for the winner of the “Why The F**k Did You Do That” contest, this guy’s story is a lock!

The 31-year-old, who hasn’t been named, inserted the small lock into his urethra and pushed it further down his penis for sexual pleasure. But the padlock travelled into his bladder and it became stuck there.

He was taken to hospital in Fuzhou city in east China and shocking X-rays showed the padlock jammed into his organ. Doctors reportedly had to cut a hole into the man’s bladder to release the lock.

Why would you ever shove something into your dickhole, and why would you ever think it would be pleasurable? Do me a favor, brah; next time you want to shove something in there, make sure it is wet cement. Jackass.

You know, every time a story comes about items getting stuck inside people’s pink parts, the victim is usually from China. What, is that country the Florida of Asia?

A Shotgun Shedding

A Spanish man decided to end his life – most likely because of Donald Trump’s Charlottesville statements – and decided to do so in a most unusual way.

A 30-year-old man has been found dead in his home in Murcia, Spain, after allegedly shooting himself in the head while his genitals were tied to the trigger.

The man’s body was not discovered until several days after his death, when his flatmates came home from holiday and noticed the smell. It is not known why the unnamed man appeared to have taken his own life, nor why had chosen to tie his genitals to the trigger.

I cannot explain why HE did that, but I regularly tie my genitals to inanimate objects; my pistol, the telephone, moving vehicles, etc.

A Heart-Wrenching Situation

Doctors performed emergency surgery on a Chinese man after he got his penis stuck in a wrench. The wrench had a hold on the man’s penis for a day before it was removed.

A Chinese man had his penis freed from a tiny wrench last week after getting it stuck for nearly a day. The 37-year-old was sent to hospital in eastern China’s Zhejiang Province, after his trapped penis had swollen and turned purple.

Doctors and firefighters, who failed to free the man, had to call in dentists to help remove the wrench using a dental drill.

He reportedly got his genitals trapped in the metal tool and was sent to the Taizhou Hospital at 9:30pm on June 2. It remains unclear why the man’s penis had been stuck.

Obviously the man wanted his nuts tightened, and what better tool for the job than a wrench? This is apparently a fairly common malady, because I posted about an Australian man doing the same thing last year. I should probably try on for myself to see what all the hubbub is about.

A Burning Ring Of Dire

carrot-grows-over-ring

A South African man is recovering after sliding his wedding ring onto his – apparently tiny – penis and getting it lodged there.

A 28-year-old South African endured a rare case of “penile strangulation” after squeezing his wedding ring around his sex organ for “erotic reasons,” according to the South African Medical Journal.

The unnamed man was apparently attempting to use the wedding ring as a substitute cock ring ― a sex toy that holds blood in the penis to heighten sexual response. The ring caused the man’s penis to swell up so much that he was unable to remove it.

When the patient’s mother brought him to a hospital in Limpopo four hours after, his penis was erect and blue.

It’s bad enough getting a wedding ring stuck on your penis, but this poor sap had to ask his mommy to drive him to the hospital? Wow, he is one pathetic loser.

A Shock To The Piss Stem

kurt-jenkins-floridaMeet Kurt Jenkins of Boynton Beach, Florida.

Kurt is a fun-loving guy, but sometimes The Man clamps down on his entertainment. In this case, Jenkins’ entertainment involved a car, an exposed penis, and electrical wires – or as it’s called in my house, “a regular Saturday night.”

News outlets report 56-year-old Kurt Jenkins faces lewd and lascivious exhibition, exposure of sexual organs and resisting a law enforcement officer without violence charges.

A Boynton Beach police report shows a witness said the naked man, identified as Jenkins, drove by him, gesturing for him to look toward Jenkins’ groin area. That’s when the witness saw an electronic device with wires attached to Jenkins’ penis.

Wait, there are laws against that sort of thing?

Before you ask, the bruises are not the result of Jenkins’ electrical stimulation. Genius refused to comply with police demands, and was thrown to the ground and handcuffed.

Bottle Rocket

glass-coke-bottle

A Honduran man lost his penis after it became wedged inside the bottle he was boinking. Jesus Christ, have you people never even heard of Vaseline?

Doctors have amputated a man’s penis after it became stuck in a bottle he was using as a sex toy for four days.

A 50-year-old man arrived at a hospital in Honduras with a penis that was “black and decaying.” The man was trying to “relieve sexual frustration” because he did not have a wife or girlfriend.

The doctor revealed the man will never be able to have sex again following the operation, although he will be able to urinate after his urethra was moved. He added: “When you put your penis into a bottle it causes a constriction in the blood vessels of the penis and within four hours you can lose the penis.”

In fairness, the victim did nothing when his dingus started to rot, because he thought a black penis would make him more popular with the ladies.

A Snake In The Grass

green-anacondaA South African woman assaulted her new husband during their honeymoon after finally seeing his titanic junk mail.

A virgin bride allegedly battered her husband on their honeymoon after seeing his penis for the first time. Mnombo Madyibi, 32, ended up with a bandaged head after getting intimate with his wife on their honeymoon having decided to abstain until they were wed.

The unnamed wife described her husband’s penis as a ‘hairy, scary cucumber’ and he reportedly goes by the nickname of ‘Anaconda’ after his football teammates saw his manhood in the changing rooms.

Luckily for her, the bride kept a stiff upper lip. She is also a huge television fan, so instead of getting shafted by Comcast, she can now enjoy a lifetime of free cable! That’s a deal you can’t beat with a stick.

Easy Wider

Tuna CanA new study claims instead of suffering through a toothpick between the legs, more men are opting for submarine surgery. However, many men are foregoing length, and concentrating on width.

When it comes to dimensions, it appears that penis girth, rather than length, is what troubles men most. Now, in a bid to boost their body confidence, more and more men are opting to have cosmetic procedures to make their manhood wider.

A new study, published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine, claims the reason is not only to improve appearance, but to ‘improve the satisfaction of female partners’. Its author, Dr Luis Casavantes, who runs a clinic in Tijuana, Mexico, claims demand is growing and he now treats hundreds of men each year.

Because when I choose risky genital plastic surgery, I want to place my penis in the hands of a Tijuana surgeon.

Dr Casavantes’ treatment involves injecting a pocket between the penis shaft and the skin with gel.

Okay, my penis was not made by Nike, so there is no need to provide some gel inserts. Not that I would need this, anyway; I already possess the girth of your above-average sized tuna can.

One Night In Bangkok

Toilet SnakeThe name Bangkok took on an entirely new meaning after a python came up through a Thai man’s toilet, bit him on the penis, and refused to let go.

Atthaporn Boonmakchuay was doing his business on a toilet in his home east of Bangkok when a python emerged through the bowl and bit his penis Wednesday.

The python wouldn’t let go, so he screamed for his wife to get a rope, the Khaosod English noted. He managed to tie the snake’s head to the bathroom door and extricate himself “before he passed out from loss of blood.”

This is exactly the reason why I always poop on my new neighbor’s lawn.