The Tall Man Was Not Pleased

Meet Jose Aramburo Molina Jr. of Phoenix, Arizona. Jose is a partying kind of guy, so nothing says party hearty than finding the keys to a mortuary van and taking it on a joyride.

Authorities received a call from South Mountain Mortuary just before 1 p.m. Wednesday. Employees had left the vehicle alone for a short time while it was running. Officers then spotted a van matching the description of the mortuary vehicle in the area of 32nd Street and Roeser Road. Jose Aramburo Molina Jr. was located a short time later. Police said he matched witness descriptions and surveillance video of the suspect.

I mean, does this guy look like he would steal a mortuary van?

According to Molina’s court paperwork, he was found with five blue pills, which officers believed to be fentanyl, along with several other drugs. Police also found a key fob for the stolen van, which authorities then used to unlock the vehicle. At the scene, an eyewitness identified Molina. Authorities also confirmed two bodies were inside.

After being arrested by the officers, Jose was heard saying, “Wow, I am dead tired.”

Something Smells Fishy Here…

Here’s something you don’t see every day. Someone dumped nearly 1,000 pounds of dead fish onto a Phoenix, Arizona road. I’ve been to Arizona a few times, and I don’t remember seeing an ocean there.

Police are investigating after hundreds of fish were dumped on the side of the road in north Phoenix.

Arizona Game and Fish confirmed at least 1,000 pounds of carp and gizzard shad, boxes and trash from a spearfishing tournament at Lake Pleasant over the weekend were dumped in the area of 15th Avenue and Pinnacle Peak Road.

“It looks like a big pile of carp, disgusting, rotting fish,” said Brandon Klar, who drove past the pile on his way to work. “Very nausea inducing.”

If it makes you feel better, Brandon, that is exactly how New York City smells.

According to Arizona Game and Fish, one known participant of the tournament actually donated several hundred pounds of fish to the Phoenix Herpetological Society, who were able to share some of the fish with the Southwest Wildlife Conservation Center for bears to eat.

Whoa, first there are dead fish and now bears? Everything in Arizona can apparently kill you.

Bikini Baristas Badmouth Beastly Boss

Employees of a Bikini Beans Coffee franchise in Phoenix, AZ, have filed a federal lawsuit against the owners, claiming withheld tips, forced work without pay after their shifts and a hostile work environment.

At Bikini Beans Coffee, where baristas in skimpy swimwear serve cold brews and chai lattes, the bikini represents “empowerment, freedom, functionality, and togetherness.” That’s how the local coffee chain’s marketing copy describes things, at least.

At odds with these vague ideals of female empowerment is the actual work culture at Bikini Beans, according to multiple former employees interviewed by Phoenix New Times. They describe a harsh and controlling work environment where the staff members — many of them young women between the ages of 18 and 21 — are frequently subject to verbal abuse when they don’t properly greet the store’s owners, and where baristas’ tips are confiscated if they are late by only a few minutes.

On July 30, two former employees filed a federal lawsuit against the owners of Bikini Beans Coffee, Benjamin and Regina Lyles. It alleges the company illegally underpaid employees and violated state and federal labor law. Various allegations in the complaint — which include claims that employees weren’t paid minimum wages and were required to work unpaid after clocking out — align with accounts provided to New Times during interviews in recent weeks with former employees.

Oh, wah, wah, wah. You know, when I was in high school, I worked in a deli. We were paid slave wages, had to kill the cockroaches on our own time, and had nothing to look at except the crazy gorgeous blonde cashiers at the pizza shop next door.

But did I cry when I literally walked into the candy shelf because I was staring at Jenny? Well, actually I did for a while, and then I had to restock the candy shelf. So… yeah. Think about it.

There Are No Bones About It

I love Arizona – it’s one of my retirement destination finalists – but like every state, even Arizona has its share of morons. Morons who will do anything to escape rush hour traffic.

A 62-year-old man was cited in Arizona this week after trying to disguise a fake skeleton as a passenger just to use the HOV lane.

The Arizona Department of Public Safety says a trooper pulled over the man on Thursday after noticing he had placed a fake skeleton in the passenger’s front seat. The skeleton was sitting upright, wearing a hat and tied to the front seat.

Not for nothing, but the guy is 62 years old and living in Arizona. What are the chances this guy was rushing to work? So he likely did all this just to get where he needed to go a little faster. Well done, dumbass. Well done.

There’s Something Afoot At The Circle K

A teenager was arrested after she was involved in an argument at the Circle K, left the scene, then came back to settle the score. You know, when I watched Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure, I never saw anyone getting stabbed.

A 19-year-old woman is in custody after allegedly stabbing a clerk with a knife at a Circle K in Phoenix.

Police say Jasmine Vega had been asked to leave earlier and she returned and attacked the clerk. The victim, 27, was transported to the hospital with serious but non-life-threatening injuries.

The stabbing happened around 9:30 p.m. on Friday at a Circle K located at the corner of Indian School Road and 16th Street.

Now after vacationing there twice, I truly love Arizona. That said, the quantifier is never live near Phoenix. It’s arguably the only part of Arizona which resembles most big, crime-ridden cities.

This Guy Is No Longer “Making Bank”

Meet Alberto Saavedra Lopez, common spelling.

Alberto is not someone we would call “Arizona’s best and brightest,” as you will see in the following article.

Alberto Saavedra Lopez, 32, was arrested last week for felony theft after he arrived at the Cottonwood Police Department for a job interview to become a dispatcher.

Police said in a statement that Lopez allegedly stole $5,000 at a Bank of America in Cottonwood between July and September of 2016. Bank officials suspected Lopez, a former employee.

Lopez moved to Phoenix after the theft and kept missing appointments with investigators. An arrest warrant was issued, but Lopez avoided police detection for more than a year. In December, Lopez applied for a dispatch position at the Cottonwood Police Department.

Incredibly, the position required a background check, and Alberto Not-Smarto’s arrest warrant popped up on their screen. Alberto did not get the job, but he did land a reservation at the county jail.

Caption Contest Winners

The Ooh, That Smell Caption Contest has concluded.

Top Five Entries:
5. “Hey, the cops just shot some guy in the balls with a pepper ball. Make sure you got it on video so I can watch it again…and again…and again.” – MelP
4. “Still think I’m creepy Hilbag?” – Cathy
3. “Is Hillary here? Something smells like old, bitter, caustic hag.” – Metoo
2. We’ve secretly dipped President Trumps microphone in Rosie O’Donnell’s underboob sweat… Lets see if he notices… – Sully

WINNER! – “I smell……BACON.” – Kevin