What A Waste

Meet Amanda Peters of Livingston, Kentucky. The “gorgeous” 26-year old proves police work is a really shitty job.

Peters, of Livingston, Ky., gave an officer a fake name after she was tracked down on an outstanding warrant out of a neighboring county. The officer then traced Peters to a local house and entered the home with an arrest citation.

Peters reportedly tried to avoid the cop by locking herself in a bathroom, but the cop was able to make her way into the room.

There, Peters “intentionally released her bowels in an upward motion with purposeful direction at this deputy – causing said bodily waste to land on the face, arms, and legs of this deputy.”

Funny, she doesn’t look like the kind of woman who would fling her own poo. Imaging looking that nasty at 26; then imagine what this bint will look like at forty.

As penance for my male readers, I give you this palate cleanser.

Kish Of The Fighter Woman

Meet UFC fighter Justine Kish. Kish is a fighter who always leaves everything in the ring. Literally.

The UFC fighter who went viral for defecating in the ring has found a silver, er, brown, lining. Justine Kish said she is entertaining endorsement offers from a few butt-wipe brands ― one of them is Dude Wipes, a product similar to baby wipes.

Kish became a viral sensation for losing control of her bowels as she was nearly choked out by Felice Herrig in Oklahoma City on Sunday. Herrig eventually won by unanimous decision but it was Kish who stole the show by leaving tell-tale signs of excrement on the mat as she continued to fight. She added levity to the embarrassment by tweeting “Shit happens” afterward.

Well, if nothing else, Kish has a great sense of humor, even if she has a terrible sense of smell.

Florida Criminal Is Down In The Dumps

Meet Demetrius Vidale.

Demetrius, through no fault of his own, was involved in a shootout with a Broward County Sheriff’s deputy Monday. The incident occurred just as Demetrius was turning his life around. Officers served a search warrant at his residence, and Demetrius dumped all over it.

Demetrius Vidale, 24, faces five charges including attempted first-degree murder, attempted murder of a law enforcement officer with a deadly weapon, armed robbery, driving with a suspended license and obstructing a police officer serving a search warrant. Deputies received a search warrant to match Vidale’s DNA to the crime scene, and he was detained after a deputy found him driving in Fort Lauderdale Tuesday.

Vidale was given a copy of a judge’s search warrant, which he put on a chair and then defecated on.

“[Vidale] refused to comply by not allowing his photographs to be taken or provide his DNA and master prints. Vidale stated that the judge had no jurisdiction over him,” the report reads.

Hey Einstein, by shitting all over the search warrant, you just gave the investigators your DNA. There is good news, however; you’ll be settled in the MENSA block at FCI Tallahassee.

Just Shootin’ The Sh*t

Barney Gumble Diaper

A Florida man – naturally – was shot and wounded by a gun-toting heroine after forcing his way into her residence. Sadly, blood was not the only bodily fluid left at the scene.

27-year-old Victor Etherington, who, was intoxicated, demanded entry to an Ocala residence. The homeowner, not recognizing him, told him to leave.

The poopetrator kicked in the door, prompting the woman to take refuge in her bedroom, grab a .22, and call 911. Etherington chased her upstairs, removed his soiled shorts and forced his way into the closet, and that’s when the homeowner shot him once in the gut.

When police arrived on the scene, they found Etherington in his birthday suit, bleeding, covered in poop, hiding behind the bedroom door. (H/T – TXNick)

If I am this toad’s lawyer, I immediately request a jury trial, and carefully explain my client was suffering severe intestinal distress. He only forced his way into the house because he did not want to poop in the homeowner’s front yard.

“Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, who among you has not considered committing a felony in order to keep from pooping your pants?”

Boom! Case closed, and this thug gets off easily. Phrasing.