You Can’t Spell Beaver Without “VR”

Before we begin, yes I did receive both stories on despicable Soros-appointed Philadelphia DA. It’s Friday and I’m not ruining everyone’s weekend with that waste of oxygen.

Instead, I found a story about new pr0n technology.

In the age of social distancing, virtual reality porn is the fastest-growing niche in the hugely successful world of online adult content – and there are some big changes coming.

Whether it’s a simple smartphone crammed into a cardboard adaptor or a state-of-the-art Oculus headset, more and more people are getting into VR erotica.

Sex-tech expert and clinical psychologist Holly Richmond says the sea-change in adult content is an opportunity to change the culture of what can, after all, be an abusive and unhealthy industry: “Shooting a video in 3D means the entire process of writing, directing, shooting and acting in porn has to be rewritten.

Look, I have a difficult enough time having sex with real women, and now you want me to have virtual sex with actual pr0n stars? No thanks, I have enough pressure in my life.

Oh, I was going to trash this “sex expert,” because I assumed she would look like Dr. Ruth Westheimer. Holly Richmond is actually moderately hot. Would bang.

Study: Pr0n Ruins Men’s Johnsons

A bunch of – likely virgin – scientists conducted a survey of European – soy-based – men about their online pr0n habits as well as any negative effects of watching copious amounts of copulation.

Now, while I have never heard of this… pr0n, is it?, but it certainly appears interesting.

Researchers have identified a strong link between the amount of online porn men watch and problems in the bedroom. An online questionnaire, which was advertised mainly to men in Belgium and Denmark through social media, posters and flyers, quizzed men about their online porn use.

3,267 men replied to the 118 questions, confessing that they watched a great deal of porn online.

Does ten hours a day constitute “a great deal of pr0n?” Asking for a friend.

But the boom in solo sex seemed to be causing a bust in the bedroom.

Around 23% of the men under 35 who responded to the survey reported some level of getting or maintaining an erection when having sex with a partner.

To understand this statistic, you need to get into the weeds of the data. First, you’re talking about European men, whose libido is nowhere near 1918 Rudolph Valentino levels. Second, we’re talking about millennials, who are the saddest, weakest, limpest men ever to prance the face of the Earth. Of course these soy-boys can’t get it up; they’re too busy worrying about the climate than their boners.

Women of Europe, if you demand satisfaction, there are still many good men in the United States and Australia. Pr0n is not our Kryptonite; it is our elixir, and the more we watch the more we learn.

New Jersey Sucks

I often make fun of Florida and Ohio for their mind-blowingly stupid citizens – many, not all, obviously – but of all the states I’ve visited in my life, there is none worse than New Jersey. Hands freakin’ down.

An Ocean County man convicted on an obscenity charge for watching porn videos on his iPad while sitting in his car outside a fast-food restaurant during the dinner rush has lost a legal battle to overturn his conviction.

David J. Lomanto, 53, of Little Egg Harbor Township, was arrested on April 22, 2014, by township police and held on $20,000 bail after a woman parked next to him saw him watching porn on his tablet with his windows lowered.

The woman, whose 12-year-old son had gone into the restaurant for food, said she could see Lomanto’s iPad resting against the steering wheel and saw there was “porn going on the video.” Specifically, the woman saw images of a man and woman having sex and “heard moaning on the video.”

I’ve driven through Little Egg Harbor Township many, many times. It’s a sleepy shore town which apparently has more than its fair share of Gladys Kravitz types. Personally, I don’t understand why this woman made such a big deal about this. Turn your key, park a few spots away, and mind your own f**king business.

If the guy was “yankin’ his doodle, it’s a dandy,” then by all means, call the po-po. But getting the police involved for someone watching pr0n in his own car is a scumbag move.

A Hard Way To Go

The rise of college debt makes it harder for students to get ahead in life. Stiff competition in the job market means graduates have to rub out a good career. So many chose to become pr0n stars.

Student debt is on the rise – but what happens if you don’t want to leave university owing tens of thousands of pounds?

An increasing number of undergraduates are turning to the sex industry to pay their ways through their degrees. From stripping to escorting, web cams to working in the porn industry, the rise of the student sex worker shows no sign of slowing down.

It is estimated that one in 20 students are now working in the sex industry.

Well at least now I know how Kyle is going to pay back his student loans.

The Road To Choad Island

Rhode Island, America’s most insignificant state, has decided to tax its citizens for using a man’s most necessary constitutional right: internet pr0n.

Rhode Island lawmakers have come up with an ingenious new way to raise revenue on residents: a one-time $20 tax on anyone who wants to watch internet porn. A bill proposed by two Democratic lawmakers in the Rhode Island general assembly, Sen. Frank Ciccone and Sen. Hanna Gallo, would require internet providers in the state to block “sexual content and patently offensive material” unless users pay a $20 fee to the state.

The money would go to the state attorney general to fund the Council on Human Trafficking. Lawmakers didn’t specify if they think this is the most effective way to prevent human trafficking, or how they came up with the $20 figure.

The bill actually specifies that all sexually explicit content must be blocked by default, and that subscribers would have to go through an onerous process to unblock it.

I’m sure these two leftist scolds are brilliant people with lots of well thought-out, practical, ideas. They are insuring the financial security of Rhode Island for years to come.

Report: Chicks Pick Slick Dick Flicks

Good news, everyone; more women are watching more pr0n!

Actually, that’s not good news, because if women are watching more pr0n, they have less use for us.

It’s that time of year: when we look at what kind of porn everyone watched last year.

Both Pornhub and xHamster have recently unveiled year-in-review reports for 2017. And while much of it is far from surprising (people like cheerleaders, can you believe it?), one finding consistent across both reports further confirms what many have known all along: Women are watching more porn.

Let’s start with Pornhub. Its 2017 report notes that 28.5 billion people visited the site last year. The number one search among those billions of users? That’d be “Porn for Women,” a term that saw 359 percent growth among female users between 2016 and 2017. Among overall users, the phrase saw a 1,400 percent increase year over year.

That’s hot. For the record, however, I’m not a huge fan of cheerleaders. My preferences revolve around waitresses and naughty schoolmarms.

Welcome To Choad Island

A Democrat lawmaker in Rhode Island “unwittingly” shared a screengrab of Wikipedia, as well as some other interesting legislative items.

Ramon Perez, who was elected to the state’s House of Representatives last year, distributed a printout of a Wikipedia article during testimony last week. However, the file was actually a screenshot that showed not only the article but also numerous browser tabs open to pages with explicit titles. Two contained the word “teen” while one had the word “young.”

House spokesman Larry Berman told the Providence Journal that Perez had given the printout to the clerk of the Finance Committee, who copied and distributed it, then collected all the copies once the X-rated browser tabs were noticed.

“A friend sent me that picture with the information I was looking for,” he said. “I used that picture to make copies. I didn’t see the stuff at the top.”

Yeah, it was the representative’s “friend.” A friend whose name happens to be “Ray” Perez, and looks strikingly similar to Ramon Perez. I’d respect this clown more if he just came out and said, “Look, I’m a guy, and guys watch pr0n. It’s in our DNA.” Don’t lie about it, dude. It’s embarrassing.

Never Go Out With A Loaded Gun

A new – and completely pointless – study has found watching pr0n before a first date makes it more likely to succeed. Apparently, this is the case for either sex.

Being primed and ready for a sexual encounter makes both men and women more outgoing, according to the research.

The limited study, which looked at 246 heterosexual students, found that even watching softcore porn for a few seconds makes people more likely to disclose personal information.

Another experiment found that students shown a naked picture of the opposite sex for just 0.03 seconds were more willing to go on a date than participants who were shown a picture of a fish.

In some cases, there is no difference between the fish and the opposite sex. Ba-zing!

Bernie Does Dallas

Bernie Sanders Sexy

Bernie Sanders’ Facebook pages suffered premature ejection Monday night, after the sites gushed with pornographic images. There is no word if any of those images were of Sanders himself.

The three most popular Bernie Sanders fan pages were simultaneously attacked with pornographic images on Monday night, which temporarily shut down those sites on the eve of five primary contests.

Three pro-Sanders pages, including “Bernie or Bust,” “Bernie Believers” and “Bernie Sanders is my hero” were flooded with pornographic images, and were quickly removed from Facebook.

The pages are followed by a combined 250,000 supporters, and have been used since the beginning of the Vermont senator’s campaign to disseminate campaign information to supporters.

Bernie Sanders is probably wishing Hillary Clinton’s mother was “de-semenated” 68 years ago.

The Feel-Up Story Of The Day

Megan Clara

Meet Megan Clara. Megan really loves her son, so she unbuckled her belt, swallowed her pride, and humped over to the nearest adult film set in an effort to empty Santa’s sack.

Megan Clara spent the last year starring in porn movies so she could afford everything on her 5-year-old son Ashton’s Christmas list. The 20-year-old says she was devastated last holiday season when Ashton complained he didn’t have the same expensive presents as his friends.

Making nearly $120 a week, she was only able to buy an Etch A Sketch, cuddly toys and new clothes.

The young mom now gets paid $743 per scene and has spent almost $2,200 on her son this Christmas.

She spent $2,200 on one child? I guess all that sex gave her a concussion, because any normal-thinking human being would put a lot of that away. The money, I mean, not the penises.

$743 a scene is pretty spectacular, though. I only earn $7.43 per scene; although in fairness, I get paid a dollar a minute.