Like Sands Through The Hourglass

Egghead researchers are claiming the ecosystem of the Canary Islands are being destroyed by people who want to place their canary in another person’s coal mine.

Apparently, the beach-goers are having sex in public, and tossing away the, um, proceeds onto the dunes.

Lizards choking to death on condoms and trampled vegetation are just some of the hazards that rampant sex on Spain’s Canary Island beaches has caused. Researchers pinpointed 298 “sex spots” on the island’s famous Maspalomas nature reserve sand dunes that have attracted “cruisers” who know they can meet up for anonymous encounters.

Pauses to look up the address of the Canary Islands…

“The direct impacts generated around the sex spots can be observed in several ways, such as the impacts on the vegetation, the abandonment of waste or the presence of urinal and defecation locations,” the study said. “The most representative are cigarette butts, torn/cut vegetation, toilet paper and wipes, condoms, fruit peel, cans and feces.”

I actually saw Wipes, Condoms, And Fruit Peel open for R.E.M. at the Trocadero in 1987.

“We’re not calling for an end to public sex,” the authors write. “But we do want people to be aware of the damage it can do.”

Pfft, tell me about it. I have four kids!

Dogging It Doggy Style?

While British soccer fans are impatiently awaiting the go-ahead to return to their favorite team’s soccer stadiums, some randy citizens have decided to play with balls outside the venues whether it’s game day or not.

While it’s not clear when fans will be allowed back into Premier League football stadiums some people are making use of the facilities during the layoff. Watford FC’s 22,200 capacity Vicarage Road stadium has become a local dogging hotspot during lockdown.

Randy Hertfordshire swingers have been getting up to all sorts of mischief in the shadow of the historic stadium, which has been the home of Sir Elton John’s favourite side since 1922.

Considering Watford was bounced from the Premier League last season and have a Championship League record of 2-0-1, the sex is the only thing going on near the stadium.

Steve and Helen, a couple claiming to be local doggers, told The Sun they are regulars at the Watford dogging site, although they don’t support the team.

Now see, that’s not right. If I want to have sex outside Old Trafford (Manchester United’s stadium), I’m bringing Vica Kerekes (above) with me. If you’re going to boink someone outside a team you hate, you don’t bring your best girl; you bring a prostitute!

Clearwater Is Not So Clear Anymore

Two elderly Flori-Duh citizens were arrested after they decided to knock boots outside a Clearwater theater in the presence of a 12-year old child. (Obviously, the photo above is the fabulous Jane Seymour. The photos of the arrestees will literally melt your eyes.)

According to investigators, Susan Roscillo and Robert Kellogg trysted in front of the Capitol Theater in downtown Clearwater. They were both subsequently arrested on a felony charge of lewd and lascivious exhibition for allegedly engaging in sexual conduct in the presence of the minor.

Well where else is the child supposed to learn about the birds and the bees?

The victim saw Roscillo “on her back with her legs up in the air and no pants on.” The septuagenarian was “actively masturbating Kellogg’s penis with her hand.”

Roscillo replied, “Was that wrong? Should I have not done that? I tell you, I gotta plead ignorance on this thing because if anyone had said anything to me at all when I first started here that that sort of thing was frowned upon, you know, ‘cause I’ve worked in a lot of offices and I tell you people do that all the time.”

Okay, that was either her or George Costanza. Who remembers?

Kellogg reportedly admitted to having sex in public with Roscillo, adding that she “did have his penis in her hand multiple times.” Kellogg apologized and said that he knew the Thanksgiving night encounter “was wrong.”

Wait, these two bridge trolls had sex outside a theater on Thanksgiving? Well, I guess we won’t know the main course, but we can assume a lot of stuffing was involved.

That’s Not A Romp. This Is A Romp!

What the hell is going on in Australia? I understand it’s crazy hot down there, and the citizens are always fighting off scorpions, spiders, and wallabies, but everyone in the country seems to be partaking in public sex.

A Brisbane couple has shared their total shock at witnessing a group of women perform sex acts on each other in the middle of a Brisbane dining precinct in broad daylight last month.

The man said he and his girlfriend saw the group stumble out of the up-market Hellenika restaurant — where they had just skipped out on a $600 lunch bill.

He said the women were “obviously super drunk” and two of them hugged each other initially, before the third disappeared from the couple’s view.

“It then escalated to the girl standing up getting pretty handy, then all of a sudden they were both on the ground.”

Footage of the women clearly shows that one woman had ripped her dress down, exposing her breasts. At several points during the display, the bare-breasted woman lay with her legs open on the ground, blocking the footpath entirely.

Yeah, it’s all fun and games until a Taipan snake slides into your va-jay-jay.

There are photos at the link, but I wouldn’t call them safe for work. Just a warning.