Raising Pains

Meet Nicole and Chase McKeown of the Elizabethtown (KY) Police Department. Nicole and Chase were off-duty, dining at Raising Cane’s – a fabulous chicken restaurant, by the way – when the unluckiest guy on Earth walked in.

Saturday night, date night for two off-duty police officers in Kentucky ended when they foiled a robbery at a restaurant chain in Louisville.

The married couple, Chase McKeown and Nicole McKeown, are officers with the Elizabethtown Police Department. They were eating dinner at Raising Cane’s Chicken Fingers, their favorite fried chicken restaurant, around 10 p.m. when a masked man walked up to the counter, showed a gun and demanded money.

The man was identified as Justin Carter, 30. When Carter flashed the gun, the couple, who had been married for just six months, sprang into action. Video footage shows the McKeowns getting up from their table, drawing their weapons and chasing Carter.

Carter basically chickened out, rushing from the restaurant as the two officers gave chase. The couple held Carter at gunpoint a few blocks away from the restaurant until Louisville police arrived and arrested him.

Wow, that’s awesome. Oh, and not only does Raising Cane’s welcome police officers into their hallowed halls, they were also very appreciative of the McKeown’s actions.

Did It At Least Come With A Side?

You know, I’ve been to the Bronx many times – mostly for Yankees games – and if there’s one thing I know, the people there are tough as nails. Sadly, this story will not embiggen the borough’s reputation.

A pair of hangry Labor Day crooks held up a Bronx Little Caesars at knifepoint — and made off with someone’s pizza order Wednesday.

Video shows the bumbling thieves opening the window while one of them hoists himself inside, belly down, onto the counter before employees rush to push him back out.

The men then barged into the restaurant through the front door, brandishing a knife and snatching a $23 pizza order.

So these brain surgeons risked their freedom and spent all their energy toward stealing one pizza? Chazz Palminteri would be embarrassed and ashamed.

True Detective Stories

Where do I begin with this one?

A gentleman calls the division and wants to know the procedure for investigating a stolen car. I tell him the vehicle information is entered into the national database, and if someone runs the tag or the VIN, radio will come back to confirm it is stolen. The officers recover the vehicle and notify the owner.

The man – we’ll call him Earl – then says he needs to “adjust” his original report. You see, Earl made a report of a stolen vehicle, but after talking to his insurance company, Earl now “remembers” he was actually robbed. He “remembered” this four days after reporting the car stolen.

Being an inquisitive person, I asked Earl if the robbery details were mentioned during the report. Earl said no. When I asked why not, Earl replied, “I was embarrassed.”

Now, in my division, there is only one legitimate reason a man would be embarrassed about being robbed. The usual reason is the man picked up a lady of the evening and she kept the vehicle due to a “lack of payment.” Now I’m not sure this was the case with Earl, but after twenty-five years, I made an educated guess…. which I kept to myself…

Continue reading “True Detective Stories”

All Dogs Go To Jail

A Philadelphia police officer has been arrested after he allegedly traveled to New York City in full uniform in an effort to steal his girlfriend’s brother’s dog.

Officer Angel Lopez, 30, will be suspended for 30 days with intent to dismiss, said Richard Ross, Philadelphia Police Commissioner. While in full uniform, Lopez allegedly traveled to a Brooklyn apartment complex with his girlfriend on Thursday to demand that the girlfriend’s brother hand over a disputed small dog, a Maltese.

Dear Mr. Lopez, as a twenty-five year veteran, allow me to give you some advice. You risk your job over a German Shepherd or a sexy blond Russian immigrant. You do not risk your career for a freakin’ Maltese!

Armed with his pistol, carrying handcuffs, and displaying his badge, Lopez entered the man’s apartment and began to yell “Where is the dog? I want the dog!” according to court documents. Lopez allegedly pushed and choked the man when he didn’t surrender the animal. Meanwhile, his girlfriend grabbed the Maltese and fled, according to a New York City Police Department spokesperson.

Nice. So this beyotch gets the (former) officer to enter the house and assault the brother, then flees with the dog and leaves Lopez standing there with his junk in his hands. She. Seems. Lovely!

On Saturday afternoon, the Brooklyn District Attorney for Kings County charged Lopez with several counts of robbery, along with grand larceny, assault, menacing, and other assorted counts.

So at least two felony charges assessed by a city and state which despises police officers. Good luck, Angel. If I were you, I would heed the words of the lawyer in Office Space. “The trick is kick someone’s ass the first day, or become somebody’s bitch. Then everything will be all right.”

True Detective Stories

So let me tell you about my Good Friday.

Everything was quiet until about noon, when all hell started breaking loose. One of the many jobs which came in was a “home invasion.” A home invasion usually entails armed intruders forcing their way inside the residence, tying the residents up, and assaulting them before taking items – money, drugs, etc.

Unfortunately, this was a “home invasion” in my division, where the details are always surprising.

The victim claimed a male came to her front door, forcibly entered the residence, pulled out a handgun, and took $300 cash before fleeing the scene.

After being interviewed by a detective, the details came into focus. The alleged offender in this case is the victim’s drug dealer. The victim called the dealer to house to sell her marijuana. They had an argument, and Omar pulled out a gun before swiping her weed money and fleeing the scene.

So no, this was not a home invasion, especially since the victim let the dealer in. If anything, it was a pharmaceutical fraud, and we will put top men on the case immediately. Top. Men.

Good Friday indeed.

Meet Maryland’s Beto O’Rourke

Say hello to Joseph Philip Svezzese.

Joseph works hard, and he plays hard, especially on the weekends. He enjoys, skiing, lazy days at the beach, and robbing stores with unicorns.

A Bel Air man is one of two suspects charged in the armed robbery of a High’s store in Baltimore County over the weekend. Police said the Harford County man was the getaway driver, and his accomplice robbed the convenience store while wearing a full-body unicorn costume.

Joseph Philip Svezzese, 27, of the 600 block of Thames Way in Bel Air, is charged with armed robbery; robbery; and theft from $1,500 to under $25,000.

Police said Jacob William Rogge, 28, of the 7900 block of Bradshaw Road in Upper Falls, was clad in a full-body white and pink unicorn costume when he entered the convenience store, smashed a register with a crowbar and demanded money from an employee.

Judging by Joseph’s mug shot, you’d think he would be the one wearing the unicorn costume. “Hey buddy, why the long face?”

Rob? Zombie.

Meet Polyana Viana of Brazil. Polyana was waiting for an Uber, minding her own business, when a man tried to rob her. Oh, did I mention Polyana is a UFC fighter?

UFC star Polyana Viana left a man with horrific facial injuries after he tried to rob her with a cardboard gun.

The cowering thief even begged her to call the cops in fear of another beating after targeting the wrong person. Viana was waiting for her Uber in Rio de Janeiro when the misguided criminal demanded she hand over her phone.

After the would-be robber claimed he had a gun, Viana said she punched and kicked him before locking him in a rear-naked choke. Viana, 26, kept the man in submission while she waited for police to arrive. (H/T – MelP)

You really need to click the link to see the aftermath. I guess the next place he robs better have a ramp!

Stripped Of His Dignity

A man wanted to start 2019 off with a bang, but instead of bedding some fine, primo hoors, he was sucker punched in the face and had his money stolen.

A New Year’s Day celebration at a Myrtle Beach club took a bad turn when a man got punched in the face and robbed of the money in his hand.

About 2 a.m., police responded to a reported strong armed robbery at Derriere’s on Seaboard Street. The victim, who had a cut on his nose, told police that he was getting lap dances and was punched in the face and fell to the ground.

The victim said his brother punched him and took $6 from his hand.

So he was robbed by his own brother and the clown only got away with six dollars? Wow, you are one pathetic loser.

The Sword And The Stones

Four armed Canadian men entered an Ontario jewelry store, only to be stopped in a most magnificent fashion.

Security footage from Ashok Jewelers in Mississauga, Ont., shows four men attempting to break into the store around noon on Wednesday

After smashing a window with what appears to be a hammer, one of the robbers crawls in, only to be greeted by the store’s owner – as well as the owner’s son and brother – who charge the would-be thief with swords, swinging wildly.

The son of the store’s owner told CTV Toronto that the decision was “spur of the moment. We have to defend ourselves,” he said.

In the video, the robber dives back out of the window, trying to enter once more before he joins three others and they retreat to a nearby Dodge Durango and drive away – successfully thwarted.

The story claims the robbers were armed with handguns, which must be a misprint, because the Great White North has very restrictive gun laws.

Subway, Rob Fresh

A man entered a Subway restaurant in Norcorss, Georgia, ordered a sandwich, grabbed a handful of money from the register, and fled the scene. Then he returned, because people are stupid.

Police say 34-year-old Zachary Miller was waiting for a sandwich at the Subway location on Medlock Bridge Road when he jumped over the counter, demanded cash and opened the cash register.

He was able to obtain about $100 before fleeing. He then realized he had left the sandwich inside and went back to get it.

Wow, dude must have been raised in Flori-duh. Although in fairness, Subway does make good sammiches. They hire terrible spokesmen, but make good sandwiches.