True Detective Stories

So Thursday night we had the A-Team on the street. Nearly every single cop in the division was doing their Streisand impersonations. Officers were getting entirely too excited over a probation arrest, bragging about a shoplifting pinch, and upgrading an infinitely minor retail theft.

The last two officers have maybe a year on the job, and they treated this random act of whimsy like it was the Lufthansa heist. Apparently, a male entered the Family Dollar – the Fort Knox of Retail Stores – selected several items, including bottles of Febreeze – and tried to flee the scene. An employee decided to play Gary Cooper and tried to stop the thief, who immediately punched him multiple times in the face and head. Normally, we would call that an “Aggravated Retail Theft,” but it is technically a robbery.

Not that the District Attorney’s Office will approve robbery charges, but whatever.

I told the officers to get everyone out of the store and hold it as a crime scene until we get out there. Guess who was the assigned detective? Diego.

Earlier in the day, a call came in and claimed they wanted to speak to a detective. I was busy putting in seven old jobs from the night before, and I asked Diego to take a message. He left the phone on hold – because he’s an a-hole – and I finally had to answer it. Imagine the joy I felt when I saw Diego was up for this cluster…

Continue reading “True Detective Stories”

She’s The Freshmaker

A Hellertown, PA woman was arrested for possibly the most insignificant theft in criminal history.

Police said they were called for a robbery a little before 1 p.m. Jan. 7, at the Citgo gas station at 1020 Main St.

The employee reported a woman, later identified as Antoinette Froilan, 19, walked into the store, went behind the counter and grabbed two pack of cigarettes.

When Froilan was confronted by an employee, Froilan pushed the employee away, grabbed four rolls of Mentos and walked out. About a block away from the store, Froilan got into an ambulance to try to get away, but couldn’t operate it.

Hard to believe a genius like this wouldn’t know how to start an ambulance. It truly bogles the mind.

So Froilan is now sitting in prison for stealing two packs of cigarettes and four packs of Mentos. Wow, and people think Floridians are stupid?

True Detective Stories

The other night, one of my coworkers told me two young female officers are “scared to death of me.” This puzzled me, because while I am always sarcastic, I never try to be mean. Well, usually.

Then there was Tuesday night.

Two rookie cops came to the division with an alleged “robbery” and an assault on police. The first cop decided he would be the spokesman, because he was a grizzled veteran with a whopping four years on the job. Wow! The officer explained a female went into a store, shoplifted nearly $200 worth of cosmetics, and when they tried to arrest her, she spit in the other officer’s face.

Even though I already knew the answers to my questions beforehand, I decided to ask them anyway. “Officer, if there was an assault on police, did you follow the protocols?”
“What?”

“You know, the protocols deemed necessary by directive? When there is an assault on police, the scene has to be held. Did you do that?”
“No.”

“The store must be treated as a crime scene. Did you hold the store and make sure no one entered or left?”
“No.”

“Did you bring up all the witnesses to the assault?”
“No.”

“Did you have your supervisor come to the scene?”
“No.”

Continue reading “True Detective Stories”

True Detective Stories

They’re getting… dumber.

On Saturday evening, we heard a call over the radio for a domestic assault which appeared to evolve into a robbery. The officers who responded were both rookies, who have a total amount of three months on the job. Sadly, no veteran rode in to check on them.

Anyway, the job was dispatched around 8pm, and despite the incident occurred a few blocks from the division, it took these geniuses over an hour to arrive at my desk. The officer had a pile of paperwork, so I asked, “What is this?” The rookie “responded” by holding out the paperwork, expecting me to take it. I asked, “I’m not sorting through all your paperwork. I just want to know what kind of job this is. It’s not difficult.”

The rookie replies, “It’s a domestic.” Sighing, I take the paperwork and notice the report is coded as a robbery, so I inquire again, “Is this a robbery or a domestic assault, because downstairs coded it a robbery.”

“Um, it’s both,” the rookie replies.

I mutter, “Jesus Christ,” and motion to my supervisor, “Sarge, can you intervene here?”

Continue reading “True Detective Stories”

True Detective Stories

In the last twenty-five-plus years, I have seen many changes to my police department. Sadly, most of said changes have been detrimental to the department and the profession at large. The decision which angers me the most is when police supervisors force brand new cops to work the operations room.

The operations room is the hub of any police district. It receives and codes all police reports, sends the pertinent teletype messages, and assigns officers to their vehicles and patrol sectors. The district downstairs is one of the busiest in the city, so you need “inside people” who know what they’re doing.

What you don’t do is assign a female to the operations room because she’s “cute.”

Thursday night, this girl – quite literally a little girl; she looked like she was twelve – dropped a report on my desk. It was coded a robbery, so I needed to go over it before it was assigned to a detective. Two sentences in, I assumed this chick never wrote a police report in her life…

Continue reading “True Detective Stories”

Raising Pains

Meet Nicole and Chase McKeown of the Elizabethtown (KY) Police Department. Nicole and Chase were off-duty, dining at Raising Cane’s – a fabulous chicken restaurant, by the way – when the unluckiest guy on Earth walked in.

Saturday night, date night for two off-duty police officers in Kentucky ended when they foiled a robbery at a restaurant chain in Louisville.

The married couple, Chase McKeown and Nicole McKeown, are officers with the Elizabethtown Police Department. They were eating dinner at Raising Cane’s Chicken Fingers, their favorite fried chicken restaurant, around 10 p.m. when a masked man walked up to the counter, showed a gun and demanded money.

The man was identified as Justin Carter, 30. When Carter flashed the gun, the couple, who had been married for just six months, sprang into action. Video footage shows the McKeowns getting up from their table, drawing their weapons and chasing Carter.

Carter basically chickened out, rushing from the restaurant as the two officers gave chase. The couple held Carter at gunpoint a few blocks away from the restaurant until Louisville police arrived and arrested him.

Wow, that’s awesome. Oh, and not only does Raising Cane’s welcome police officers into their hallowed halls, they were also very appreciative of the McKeown’s actions.

Did It At Least Come With A Side?

You know, I’ve been to the Bronx many times – mostly for Yankees games – and if there’s one thing I know, the people there are tough as nails. Sadly, this story will not embiggen the borough’s reputation.

A pair of hangry Labor Day crooks held up a Bronx Little Caesars at knifepoint — and made off with someone’s pizza order Wednesday.

Video shows the bumbling thieves opening the window while one of them hoists himself inside, belly down, onto the counter before employees rush to push him back out.

The men then barged into the restaurant through the front door, brandishing a knife and snatching a $23 pizza order.

So these brain surgeons risked their freedom and spent all their energy toward stealing one pizza? Chazz Palminteri would be embarrassed and ashamed.

True Detective Stories

Where do I begin with this one?

A gentleman calls the division and wants to know the procedure for investigating a stolen car. I tell him the vehicle information is entered into the national database, and if someone runs the tag or the VIN, radio will come back to confirm it is stolen. The officers recover the vehicle and notify the owner.

The man – we’ll call him Earl – then says he needs to “adjust” his original report. You see, Earl made a report of a stolen vehicle, but after talking to his insurance company, Earl now “remembers” he was actually robbed. He “remembered” this four days after reporting the car stolen.

Being an inquisitive person, I asked Earl if the robbery details were mentioned during the report. Earl said no. When I asked why not, Earl replied, “I was embarrassed.”

Now, in my division, there is only one legitimate reason a man would be embarrassed about being robbed. The usual reason is the man picked up a lady of the evening and she kept the vehicle due to a “lack of payment.” Now I’m not sure this was the case with Earl, but after twenty-five years, I made an educated guess…. which I kept to myself…

Continue reading “True Detective Stories”

All Dogs Go To Jail

A Philadelphia police officer has been arrested after he allegedly traveled to New York City in full uniform in an effort to steal his girlfriend’s brother’s dog.

Officer Angel Lopez, 30, will be suspended for 30 days with intent to dismiss, said Richard Ross, Philadelphia Police Commissioner. While in full uniform, Lopez allegedly traveled to a Brooklyn apartment complex with his girlfriend on Thursday to demand that the girlfriend’s brother hand over a disputed small dog, a Maltese.

Dear Mr. Lopez, as a twenty-five year veteran, allow me to give you some advice. You risk your job over a German Shepherd or a sexy blond Russian immigrant. You do not risk your career for a freakin’ Maltese!

Armed with his pistol, carrying handcuffs, and displaying his badge, Lopez entered the man’s apartment and began to yell “Where is the dog? I want the dog!” according to court documents. Lopez allegedly pushed and choked the man when he didn’t surrender the animal. Meanwhile, his girlfriend grabbed the Maltese and fled, according to a New York City Police Department spokesperson.

Nice. So this beyotch gets the (former) officer to enter the house and assault the brother, then flees with the dog and leaves Lopez standing there with his junk in his hands. She. Seems. Lovely!

On Saturday afternoon, the Brooklyn District Attorney for Kings County charged Lopez with several counts of robbery, along with grand larceny, assault, menacing, and other assorted counts.

So at least two felony charges assessed by a city and state which despises police officers. Good luck, Angel. If I were you, I would heed the words of the lawyer in Office Space. “The trick is kick someone’s ass the first day, or become somebody’s bitch. Then everything will be all right.”

True Detective Stories

So let me tell you about my Good Friday.

Everything was quiet until about noon, when all hell started breaking loose. One of the many jobs which came in was a “home invasion.” A home invasion usually entails armed intruders forcing their way inside the residence, tying the residents up, and assaulting them before taking items – money, drugs, etc.

Unfortunately, this was a “home invasion” in my division, where the details are always surprising.

The victim claimed a male came to her front door, forcibly entered the residence, pulled out a handgun, and took $300 cash before fleeing the scene.

After being interviewed by a detective, the details came into focus. The alleged offender in this case is the victim’s drug dealer. The victim called the dealer to house to sell her marijuana. They had an argument, and Omar pulled out a gun before swiping her weed money and fleeing the scene.

So no, this was not a home invasion, especially since the victim let the dealer in. If anything, it was a pharmaceutical fraud, and we will put top men on the case immediately. Top. Men.

Good Friday indeed.