California Water Park Is Aptly Named

The Raging Waters water park was closed Sunday after a forty-person brawl ensued, nearly killing a man. This is why we can’t have nice things.

The 40-person brawl began around 3:30 p.m. by the Lazy River picnic area after a disagreement between two women over who took whose beach towel, said Everest Robillard, the Cal Expo police chief.

Christopher Neves, a 35-year-old Modesto resident, tried to break up the fight but was attacked by three other people who jumped in after him. The fight grew to about 40 participants, with a smaller group trading blows and the rest exchanging insults.

Officers arrived and found Neves without a pulse or heartbeat for an unknown amount of time. Robillard said CPR was administered on scene, and his heartbeat returned before he was carried out on a gurney and transported to UC Davis Medical Center.

So a man nearly died over a f**king towel. What the hell is wrong with this country?

Amazon Dumps On A Loyal Customer

While names itself “Earth’s most customer-centric company,” there are occasions when the customer receives service with more than just a smile.

The owner of a South Sacramento home was left with more than what he ordered when his package arrived Tuesday afternoon.

Nemy Bautista got home to find a large piece of poop at the end of his driveway. He figured it was from a neighbor’s dog so he checked his home security cameras, hoping to make whoever owned the dog come and clean up the mess.

What he found, he never would have expected. Video shows a locally based delivery service driver contracted by Amazon squatting behind the door of their van.

Ironically, a literal Amazon would not be crass enough to take a dump on someone’s sidewalk.

Zip A Dee Doo Dah

Like many California towns, the city of Sacramento falls slightly to the left of Berkely. The few conservatives there are universally surrounded by leftist moonbats and hippie politicians. These politicians, in a desperate attempt to be noticed by their daddy figures in New York and San Francisco, never cease to amaze with their idiotic policies.

Like awarding free cars to the projects.

Sacramento launched a pilot program that put eight shared electric Kia Souls at public housing sites. Up to 300 residents can apply for on-demand access to the vehicles, with no charge for maintenance, insurance or juicing up the battery.

The program is funded through a $1.3 million grant from the California Air Resources Board using cap-and-trade funds that businesses pay to offset their carbon emissions.

Local leaders said it will provide green transportation options to disadvantaged areas where even simple tasks like getting groceries can be a challenge.

Oh, I could not agree more! Instead of walking two blocks to buy Omar’s weed, these poor, disadvantaged utes can now drive to purchase Avon Barksdale’s top-notch crack.