In The Line Of Liar

A Pittsburgh man who picks up dog poop for a living has been arrested after posing as a Secret Service agent. In fairness, both professions have to deal with a lot of shite.

A man whose company scoops up pet poop has been placed on probation for two years and fined $500 for buying fake Secret Service identification cards and badges online to impress women on a dating site.

Pfft, I’ve been posing as a police officer here for years, and it hasn’t landed me even one piece of ass.

Christopher Diiorio, 54, of Greensburg, was sentenced Monday by a federal judge in Pittsburgh. He had pleaded guilty in November to fraudulently using an official seal, but acknowledged behavior in two other counts dismissed Monday: flashing an ID card during a traffic stop and trying to use a Secret Service badge to get a government rate for a hotel room.

Whoa, whoa, whoa… we can get a government rate for hotels? Why was I not informed?

“Your honor, I’m not a bad man, I’m a dumb man,” Diiorio told U.S. District Judge Nora Barry Fischer. “What I did was truly stupid and I’m very sorry for that.”

As part of his probation, Diiorio must pick up after drunken agents who poop themselves, or take a dump in public. You’d be surprised how often that happens.

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Agent Zero

in-the-line-of-fire

The United States Secret Service, once the bastion of honor and professionalism, has “misplaced” thousands of property items in the last fifteen years, including laptops, vehicles, and weapons.

“This is supposedly an elite law enforcement agency — how did all this equipment get stolen?” or lost. “This is alarming. Every American should be alarmed about this,” Judicial Watch’s Irene Garcia told The Daily Caller News Foundation.

Secret Service agents reported 11,780 lost or stolen assets between fiscal years 2001 and 2016, according to the data Judicial Watch received, although the agency didn’t distinguish between lost and stolen items.

A total of 121 “weapons/pistols” were lost or stolen from 2001 through 2016, including 69 in 2002 alone. The Secret Service also reported 736 cell phones, 571 badges and six vehicles as lost or stolen in that same period. (H/T – Al)

So the organization charged with protecting the most powerful man in the world cannot even protect a Lincoln Town Car. That is less than reassuring.