Screw York City

New York City, the municipality which murdered thousands of people by forcing Wuhan patients into nursing homes, is now giving safe sex advice to its citizens.

City health officials suggest New Yorkers kiss boring bedroom behavior goodbye — but not each other — in an updated guide on how to practice extra-safe sex during the coronavirus pandemic. But before getting frisky, everyone should slip on a different type of protection — a face mask.

“During COVID-19 wearing a face covering that covers your nose and mouth is a good way to add a layer of protection during sex,” according to the agency, which this week announced free home delivery of condoms, lube and HIV self-test kits. “Maybe it’s your thing, maybe it’s not.”

And while the agency does not outright recommend casual sex, for those who live a more adventurous lifestyle the advisory says, “Make it a little kinky. Be creative with sexual positions and physical barriers, like walls, that allow sexual contact while preventing close face to face contact.”

Yes, by all means, New York citizens, use walls and physical barriers while having sex. In fact, slam your heads into them again and again and again.

Wait, The Wuhan Virus Is Still A Thnig?

You may remember a post from last week where the UK determined you cannot leave your residence to boink the crazy stupid hot neighbor with the fabulous rack and the ass which would bring a tear to your eye, lest you violate their Wuhan virus rules. The UK is now trying to lockdown sex entirely, transforming it into something as bland as the country’s food.

With the UK now in its tenth week of lockdown, many bored Brits have been getting frisky to keep themselves entertained while at home. But a new study has warned that having sex could spread coronavirus, and has advised that couples take preventative steps in the bedroom.

Look, I manscaped alright, now just let me dock at her “International Space Station.”

This includes avoiding kissing, showering before and after sex, and even wearing masks while having sex.

Pfft, I rarely shower before OR after sex. I figure all the sweat eradicates the junk germs.

In the study, researchers from Harvard University ranked different sexual scenarios, based on how like you are to catch coronavirus during them.

Abstinence and masturbation were ranked as ‘low risk’ sexual activities, while sex with people within a household, and sex with people from other households were ranked as ‘high risk’ activities.

Masturbation could be an option for me, but if you had any idea how dirty my penis is, I mean, wow, it’s just absolutely filthy. I wouldn’t touch it with a ten-inch pole. But hey, good luck with your new restrictions, Britain; I’m sure it’ll lead to a veritable population explosion.

Put Another Pimp On The Barbie

After reading about Connecticut’s burning baseball field, the good people of Australia have cried out, “Challenge accepted. Hold my Foster’s!”

A man, 23, and woman, 31, boarded a public Hunter Valley Bus last Friday morning about 9.50am in Lake Macquarie on their way to Toronto. Some time into their journey, the couple began masturbating. They then took off their clothes and engaged in other lewd acts on the bus, which had other travellers on board.

When the driver, 59, became aware of the activity, he asked them to stop and get off the bus. At this point, the man and woman became verbally aggressive. The man spat at the driver before he got off the bus with the woman at Warners Bay.

After being kicked off the first bus, the couple tried to board a second bus which pulled up where they’d been thrown out.

They are certainly a tenacious couple. I like their spunk. Phrasing.

“He Died Doing Who He Loved”

An Italian playboy passed away last week while shtupping a woman one-third his age.

A famous Italian playboy who slept with thousands of women has died aged 63 while having sex with a 23-year-old tourist. Maurizio Zanfanti, dubbed the ‘Romeo of Rimini’, was getting intimate with the woman when he had a heart attack.

Realising something was seriously wrong, the Romanian tourist alerted the emergency services, but the nightclub manager could not be saved.

Also known as ‘Zanza’, he died on Tuesday night “after doing what he did best – loving women”, the Italian newspaper Il Resto Del Carlino reported.

Imagine being 63 and banging 23-year old. I mean, where would one even begin? In tribute to Maurizio, all Italian men’s penises will be set at half-mast.

A Donkey And Pig Walk Into A Bedroom…

A British couple have been receiving complaints after their lovemaking sounds have annoyed and disgusted their neighbors.

A randy couple have been shamed by an angry neighbour who claims their noisy sex is disturbing locals on hot summer nights.

The neighbour compared the woman’s sounds to “a cross between a donkey giving birth and a very large excitable pig” in a Facebook post outing the amorous pair. It claims the lovers have been enjoying loud sex with their windows open at a home in Stapleford, Nottinghamshire.

But the anonymous neighbour isn’t pleased, telling them to keep their windows closed “or at least make sounds that the rest of us can appreciate.”

My neighbors don’t have that problem, except for my occasional shouts of YAHTZEE! as I finish.

Apparently The Laying Isn’t Staying

A new study was recently released which claims one-third of American women are not interested in sex.

Amazingly, the same study found fifteen percent of American men were also not interested in shagging. I call these men “Obama voters.”

About 15% of men and 34% of women say they’re not interested in sex, according to a new study, statistics that few experts find surprising. In fact, low desire in one partner is probably the top reason couples seek out sex therapy.

Any number of factors can affect sexual desire, and most of them have little to do with your partner’s attractiveness. In the study I mentioned, researchers found that for both men and women, physical and mental health had an impact on libido. But they may have different motivations for avoiding sex.

That’s a fair assessment. My main reason for avoiding sex is because the woman refuses to have it with me… or threatens to obtain a restraining order.

Screw York

A new trendy hotel in New York City is generating a lot of buzz… and friction.

Grannies and other residents of a Lower East Side public-housing building say they’ve been getting an X-rated eyeful since Ian Schrager’s fancy Public hotel opened next door in June — because its guests keep having sex in view of their homes. The randy guests don’t just get down in beds with the blinds open, either — they’re doing it right up against the windows, residents said.

Schrager’s slick, 28-story, 376-room Chrystie Street inn promotes itself as “luxury for all” — although rooms start at around $225 a night — with a rooftop bar that transforms into a late-night hot spot.

“A hotel is supposed to be more than just a place to sleep — it’s supposed to make your heart beat faster,” Schrager says in an artsy promo video for the hotel. From what neighbors have witnessed, his patrons’ pulses are racing — with one telling other tenants that she saw a guy pleasuring himself in the window.

Now see, that’s just wrong. If you’re going to “rub one out,” have the common decency to do it in front of a cemetery, like I do.

Game, Sex, And Match

A Florida couple did the impossible this week by finally making tennis enjoyable to watch… or at least enjoyable to listen to.

As Frances Tiafoe and Mitchell Krueger competed in the Sarasota Open on Tuesday night, their match was interrupted by a couple having sex across the way.

“Nope, that’s not a phone. That is … that’s an apartment across the lake,” he said. “Well, everyone was looking around to see where that was coming from and finally, figure out, that wasn’t a video. At least somebody’s having a good night.”

While spectators erupted with laughter in the stands, Tiafoe shouted, “It can’t be that good!”

Wow, I haven’t heard moaning like that since my senior prom. Ba-zing!

Play Balls!

A group of Italian researchers conducted a study on the correlation between sexual activity and competition. The only country who could get away with a study like this are the Italians and the French.

No matter what your coach tells you, having sex before competition doesn’t appear to harm an athlete’s performance.

They reviewed nine studies that examined the impact of sexual activity on sports performance, and their findings appear in the journal Frontiers in Physiology.

“Abstaining from sexual activity before athletic competition is a controversial topic in the world of sport,” lead author Laura Stefani said. “We show no robust scientific evidence to indicate that sexual activity has a negative effect upon athletic results,” she said.

Now they tell me! To think of all those times I abstained from sex during college lacrosse, high school track… and little league softball. I mean, I didn’t have opportunities to bang chicks in high school or college, but grade school? I could have cleaned up!

Growth Spurt

Researchers at Britain’s University of Exeter have released a study claiming the more sex one has, the larger his genitals become.

That is not possible… because my genitals are already galactically large!

The University of Exeter’s paper, published in the Evolution journal, shows that having sex can cause males to grow bigger reproductive organs. The bad news is, the study was conducted with burying beetles as opposed to humans.

The test was done across two sets of beetles – one which had lots of sex, and one which had minimal amounts. The ones who had lots of sex developed their reproductive organs at a quicker pace than the ones who didn’t get frisky.

The study was conducted over ten generations and showed that the more sex the animals were having the bigger their genitals became.

This obviously explains Bill Clinton. While charming, he is not a very handsome man, but he pulls more ass than a toilet seat. Significantly, this also explains why Hillary Clinton is such a large c-word.