Screw York

A new trendy hotel in New York City is generating a lot of buzz… and friction.

Grannies and other residents of a Lower East Side public-housing building say they’ve been getting an X-rated eyeful since Ian Schrager’s fancy Public hotel opened next door in June — because its guests keep having sex in view of their homes. The randy guests don’t just get down in beds with the blinds open, either — they’re doing it right up against the windows, residents said.

Schrager’s slick, 28-story, 376-room Chrystie Street inn promotes itself as “luxury for all” — although rooms start at around $225 a night — with a rooftop bar that transforms into a late-night hot spot.

“A hotel is supposed to be more than just a place to sleep — it’s supposed to make your heart beat faster,” Schrager says in an artsy promo video for the hotel. From what neighbors have witnessed, his patrons’ pulses are racing — with one telling other tenants that she saw a guy pleasuring himself in the window.

Now see, that’s just wrong. If you’re going to “rub one out,” have the common decency to do it in front of a cemetery, like I do.

Game, Sex, And Match

A Florida couple did the impossible this week by finally making tennis enjoyable to watch… or at least enjoyable to listen to.

As Frances Tiafoe and Mitchell Krueger competed in the Sarasota Open on Tuesday night, their match was interrupted by a couple having sex across the way.

“Nope, that’s not a phone. That is … that’s an apartment across the lake,” he said. “Well, everyone was looking around to see where that was coming from and finally, figure out, that wasn’t a video. At least somebody’s having a good night.”

While spectators erupted with laughter in the stands, Tiafoe shouted, “It can’t be that good!”

Wow, I haven’t heard moaning like that since my senior prom. Ba-zing!

Play Balls!

A group of Italian researchers conducted a study on the correlation between sexual activity and competition. The only country who could get away with a study like this are the Italians and the French.

No matter what your coach tells you, having sex before competition doesn’t appear to harm an athlete’s performance.

They reviewed nine studies that examined the impact of sexual activity on sports performance, and their findings appear in the journal Frontiers in Physiology.

“Abstaining from sexual activity before athletic competition is a controversial topic in the world of sport,” lead author Laura Stefani said. “We show no robust scientific evidence to indicate that sexual activity has a negative effect upon athletic results,” she said.

Now they tell me! To think of all those times I abstained from sex during college lacrosse, high school track… and little league softball. I mean, I didn’t have opportunities to bang chicks in high school or college, but grade school? I could have cleaned up!

Growth Spurt

Researchers at Britain’s University of Exeter have released a study claiming the more sex one has, the larger his genitals become.

That is not possible… because my genitals are already galactically large!

The University of Exeter’s paper, published in the Evolution journal, shows that having sex can cause males to grow bigger reproductive organs. The bad news is, the study was conducted with burying beetles as opposed to humans.

The test was done across two sets of beetles – one which had lots of sex, and one which had minimal amounts. The ones who had lots of sex developed their reproductive organs at a quicker pace than the ones who didn’t get frisky.

The study was conducted over ten generations and showed that the more sex the animals were having the bigger their genitals became.

This obviously explains Bill Clinton. While charming, he is not a very handsome man, but he pulls more ass than a toilet seat. Significantly, this also explains why Hillary Clinton is such a large c-word.

Self-Driving Cars Make It Easy To Ride

The introduction of self-driving cars has people wondering if lube, headlights. and stick shifts will see more of a workout than previously thought.

From safety issues to technical problems, there are many issues that need to be addressed before self-driving cars can hit the roads. But one, possibly unexpected, consequence of the autonomous cars is that they could give sex lives a boost.

A Canadian expert believes people will have ‘a lot more sex in cars’, once a computer takes over and this could be dangerous as the ‘drivers’ won’t be paying attention to the road.

‘I am predicting that, once computers are doing the driving, there will be a lot more sex in cars,’ said Barrie Kirk. ‘That’s one of several things people will do which will inhibit their ability to respond quickly when the computer says to the human, ‘Take over.”

Sex in a car is a disgusting activity I would never even consider. It’s exhibitionist, unsanitary, and nearly impossible to get her legs high enough for adequate penetration. Oh, I’ve said too much.