True Detective Stories

Sunday evening was my last day before two days off. Naturally, we were short again – four detectives – and in the first hour we handled a robbery, a stolen gun, a messed up domestic incident, and a dead guy.

The night continued to be busy – I think I entered twenty-eight jobs – but the worst part was the last assignment. You see, the jackass cops in my division sit around for seven hours, and only start doing their jobs at around 9pm. Really, that’s a thing. We get a few jobs early on, then there is a flood of stupid jobs between 9-10pm.

This specific job was dumber than usual.

At about 8:55pm, one of the districts reported a shooting. Since they said someone was shot, we breathed a sigh of relief. It meant the Shooting Incident Group would handle it, and we could continue with the other garbage on our desks…

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True Detective Stories

Ladies and gentlemen, grab a seat and lean back as I tell you a tale. It’s a tale about a police detective with a double-digit IQ, who believes he is smarter than the average bear.

His name is Diego.

Friday night was very busy, and after our eight-hour tour, we had entered twenty-nine jobs, including a gun arrest, two commercial burglaries, a robbery, a homicide, and a shooting incident. The latter being the subject of this post.

A group of young men were inside a residence and playing with a pistol. At one point, one of the men pointed the gun at his head. The other guys told him to be careful, in case the firearm was loaded. The man then pulled the trigger, and shot himself in the head. The man was pronounced dead.

The Homicide Unit would not take the job, and the Shooting Incident Team also refused to take it. So, as always, if fell upon us. I looked at the book, and sadly, Diego the Idiot Detective was up for the job. I told my supervisor, and after he rolled his eyes, he approved it…

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True Detective Stories

Monday was a banner day for Diego the Idiot Detective, as his two or three neurons were firing less frequently than normal.

Dummy came in late – which is the norm – and spent the first hour watching ESPN to catch up on his NFL scores. About an hour into the shift, I had the absolute pleasure of assigning him to a shooting incident. The police arrived as a call for gunshots, and several spent casings were littered on the ground. No one was struck, but an unoccupied vehicle was shot thirteen times.

The job should have taken fifteen minutes to process. Pick up the shell casings, take a few photos, and boom you’re done. Diego took two and a half hours.

When he returned, naturally the sergeant asked what took him so long. For reasons unknown, this dullard called the owner of the vehicle and had him come out to the scene. The problem there was the man lived on the other side of the city, and it took a good hour for him to arrive.

Hey douchebag, you have officers on the scene. Call the owner, have one cop wait with the vehicle, and get back to work!

When Diego returned to the division, he had to post a white paper. All this dope had to do was enter the control numbers, write up the story, and send it to the sergeant for approval. The problem is Diego is usually watching TV or listening to the radio while he’s writing a white paper, so the errors are frequent.

To give you an idea, Diego got the date wrong, got the location wrong, mixed up the control number, did not enter the name of the victim, did not identify the caliber of the shell casings, and had multiple spelling errors. After the sixth correction, the sergeant yelled for Diego to sit next to him, because he was tired of calling him to the front every two minutes.

This is not a very difficult job. If you have even a modicum of common sense, you could be a superstar in this department. Diego decided to walk a different path.

1,115 days.

True Detective Stories

In past episodes of True Detective Stories, I have occasionally lamented the uncooperative nature of the locals when it comes to police investigations. On Monday night, I was able to talk to one of these citizens on the phone, and it was a very interesting interaction.

We responded to a shooting incident after receiving multiple calls for gunshots in the area. The first officer on the scene found fourteen total casings from two separate firearms. Thankfully, no one seemed to be hit, but the neighborhood was understandably on edge.

While the assigned detective was processing the scene, a man called the division and said someone from my unit asked to view the footage of the incident from his Ring doorbell camera. The man was hesitant, because he knew cooperating with police is a sure way to catch trouble, especially in a violent district…

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