A Waste Of Perfectly Good Cleavage

Meet Taejah Clay (common spelling).

Taejah was looking for a fabulous ensemble at a Pensacola Walmart. Something which would accentuate her ample curves as equally as her godawful catsuit. I mean, really, who wears a catsuit?

When attempting to steal from Walmart at 7:50 AM, it is best to dress in an inconspicuous manner so as not to draw the attention of store security.

Or you can wear a revealing, skintight “Baby Girl” catsuit like Taejah Clay.

The 20-year-old Louisiana woman was arrested late last month after she and a teenage accomplice allegedly switched the price tags on hats and shorts in a Walmart in Pensacola, Florida. The duo was detained after checking out with the illegally discounted merchandise (which was valued at about $50).

Arrested for stealing $50 worth of clothing; are you seriously that stupid? “Baby Girl” could probably smuggle the catsuit into jail and make some money pimping herself out to her cellmate.

True Detective Stories

Hat Tip: Sean Walsh, Philadelphia Inquirer

The Philadelphia Police Department is chock full of our best and brightest, the cream of the crop, those chosen few who perform both brain science and rocket surgery. Take this story. for instance.

On Sunday afternoon, two patrol officers arrested a man for shoplifting. Shoplifting is effectively legal in the city now – I mean, if we’re not arresting rioters and looters, why would we arrest thieves? – so the offender would likely receive a summary citation and be on his way.

Sadly, that’s not how this guy rolls.

Our wicked smaht arresting officers cuffed the man, placed him into the rear of the vehicle, and prepared to transport him to the division. As they were getting ready to go, one of the officers smelled something. Turning around, he noticed the fine, upstanding citizen was attempting to light the rear seat on fire.

You see, when you’re wicked smaht like these two dopes, it’s not necessary to search an arrestee for contraband, weapons, of a f**king butane lighter!

The jackass arrestee did manage to light the car’s interior on fire, causing minor damage, while promoting himself from summary offense to full-fledged felon. Congratulations, everyone; awesome show, great job!

True Detective Stories

Monday night was a mess. In the first hour, we responded to two shootings and a homicide. An hour later, a police officer called for an assist – she was okay. An hour after that, officers brought in four defendants with four guns.

Suffice to say we were busy.

The shootings, homicide and the gun arrests were all in the same police district, so it boggled my mind when a sergeant from said district called with this winner.

“Yeah, this is Sergeant Clueless. We’re out here at the Rite Aid after responding to a retail theft…” Shoplifters? Are you f**king kidding me right now? “The offender is a juvenile, and she took five dollars worth of candy.” Again, are you shitting me?

Dumbfounded at the call, I could only respond with, “Okay…”

Continue reading “True Detective Stories”

How Stella Got Her Booze Back

Meet Elysia Johnson of Lathrop, California.

Elysia’s life motto is carpe diem, so she seized this particular day by hanging out in a Target dressing room with her close, personal friend Stella.

Officers said a woman took her cart — and a six-pack of Stella Artois — into a dressing room and stayed there for more than an hour Saturday afternoon. After finishing the beers, the woman left the store with about $200 in merchandise without paying.

She was arrested and booked into the San Joaquin County Jail on suspicion of shoplifting and for three other warrants. (H/T – Smite)

I’m fairly certain Stella Artois is a little above Elysia’s tastes, especially since she kept referring to the beer as Stella Ar-toys.

The obligatory video clip is below the fold…

Continue reading “How Stella Got Her Booze Back”

Getting To The Meat Of The Matter

karson-kidwellMeet Karson Kidwell of Florida. The 25-year old had fallen on hard times, which were so bad she could not even afford a decent dye job. So, like many women in her predicament, she turned to a life of crime. Thankfully, she chose theft, and not, say, prostitution.

Karson Kidwell was charged with grand theft after she stole $574 of items from Walmart by stuffing the items into a duffel bag. A Walmart loss prevention manager reported the theft.

The loss prevention manager noted that Kidwell took the items to the front of the store and attempted to walk the items out the door.

Among the items recovered: DVDs of the movies “Magic Mike,” “The Campaign” and “Bad Teacher” and several tools, batteries and food items, including chicken and dry salami.

So she “allegedly” stole a Magic Mike DVD, batteries, and a dry salami? I think we all know what she was going to do with those items… replace her TV remote batteries, grab a tasty snack, and watch a fine family film.

True Detective Stories

so-youve-ruined-your-lifeDay work started Saturday, and is the case with most weekends, we were excruciatingly busy. Sure, we had the mundane, everyday jobs – robberies, stolen guns, etc. – but a retail theft came in which made us all giggle.

A man allegedly walked into the Acme supermarket and was seen placing items into his backpack. The guy strolled past the registers and out the door, where he was stopped by store security. Police were called and after speaking to the witnesses, the shoplifter was arrested. In their report, the officers listed the items taken:

“Multiple bottles of baby formula… and two boxes of condoms.”

Hey brah, isn’t that closing the stable door after the horse has bolted?