Kool Florida Guy Uses A Handy Aid

A Florida man was arrested after shoplifting nearly $1,000 worth of items in a truly ingenious manner.

A Florida man is accused of using a 24-cent packet of Kool-Aid to rack up nearly $1,000 in fraudulent charges at a Walmart in North Naples.

Deputies said Bradley Young scanned merchandise at the Walmart with the Kool-Aid packet hidden in his hand. Each item rang up for 24 cents. The final bill ended up being just under $25. The goodies were really worth $994.13.

Um, Bradley, Steve Martin and the writers of My Blue Heaven would like a word with your about copyright infringement.

A loss prevention worker at Walmart recognized Young from a previous situation. She followed him around the store and watched him in the self-checkout lane. The worker said Young also took a soda and fan from the shelf and returned them at customer service after showing workers there a photo of the receipt on his phone. (H/TMis.Hum.)

If there was any justice, the Kool-Aid man would blast through Bradley’s wall, beat the crap out of him, and bang his girlfriend… solely on principle.

Fat Woman Tries To Steal Phat TV

A rather husky woman attempted to steal a 65″ television from a Florida Walmart by placing it into a shopping cart and wheeling it out to her car. Amazingly, the television is bigger than her.

Deputies are looking for a woman who tried to steal a 65-inch television from a Walmart in central Florida.

The shoplifting incident happened last Saturday at the Walmart in Mulberry.

The Polk County Sheriff’s Office said a woman made it all the way to the exit with the TV in the cart when security workers asked her for a receipt. She said she didn’t have one. Meantime, the woman’s friend grabbed all the other stolen goodies from the cart and walked away. The woman didn’t make it out with the TV but she left with her friend and the stolen electronics.

I’ve got fifty bucks that says she is voting for Joe Biden in November.

(Fired In A) Minute Rice

Meet Caitlin Rice.

Caitlin is a prosecutor in Chester County, a suburb of Philadelphia. Like most assistant district attorneys, she is likely a pleasant, hard-working, bastion of truth. Nah, I’m just pulling your chain.

A former Chester County prosecutor was arrested for shoplifting at a grocery store.

Police say Caitlin Rice attempted to steal $400 worth of merchandise from a Wegmans in Malvern on New Year’s Eve. Rice was stopped by store security in the parking lot and is now being charged with retail theft.

Rice was an assistant district attorney at the time.

Despite all the dopes who show up in True Detective Stories, the ones I despise the most are assistant district attorneys. They expend all their energy in either denying arrest warrants, or simply declining prosecutions after the warrants are served. They are literally the worst people on the planet, so when I see a story like this, my heart grows three times its size.

Hey, if she hadn’t resigned, I wonder if Caitlin could have gotten herself off? (Phrasing.)

The Battle Of The Bulge

A British man was stopped by a store manager after she believed he had items stuffed down his pants. Sadly, there was something down the man’s pants, but not anything which was for sale.

A MAN was accused of shoplifting after staff saw a suspicious bulge in his jeans — but it turned out to be his 10in todger.

Window fitter Steve Whitehurst, 47, showed security his member after a female manager raised the alarm. He had been buying £400-worth of stuff at Scotts Mens­wear, with girlfriend Mandy Shenton, 46, and her 18-month-old grandson. But things came to a head at the till when the store manager asked about his bulge.

Boy, if I had a dollar for every time I was asked that… I’d have two dollars!

Steve, who claims he often has to roll up his manhood, said: “I had very tight jeans on that day and there was a bulge, yes, but that’s not illegal. I can’t help the way I’m made. He said he then went to a cubicle with a male security guard at his local store in Stoke-on-Trent.

Steve recalled: “I dropped my boxers. He shook his head and ran out and spoke with the manager. I heard her say, ‘Please tell me he’s got something down there,’ and the guy said, ‘No’.”

Oh, there’s something down there, honey, and it’s ready for your inspection!

True Detective Stories

While my career is routinely interrupted with crazy, insane occurrences, the bulk of my work days are chock full of boring, run-of-the mill crimes. Sure, we handle more than our share of shootings, but for every shot fired, there are twenty frauds, burglaries, and thefts.

Take yesterday’s retail theft, for example.

Two pretty young female officers came into the division to drop off a shoplifting arrest. The duo dropped off the paperwork, and I said, “Okay, you’re good. Be safe.” They stood there for a moment, and said, “No, read the story.”

I said to myself, “Okay, this is going to be good.”

The report can be summarized as follows: The offender was arrested after he entered the supermarket, took eight hundred dollars’ worth of toothpaste, then fled the scene without paying. The offender was transported to the division, and the items were returned to the supermarket.

Wait, what? Did that say EIGHT HUNDRED DOLLARS’ WORTH OF TOOTHPASTE?!

I looked at the officers and opened my mouth to say something, but before I could, the officers both said, “Yeah.”

Now being a snarky person by nature, I had to ask the pertinent question. “Were his teeth at least sparkling white?” The officers laughed out loud, and walked away. So I guess that question was answered.

Can’t Get Enough Of Your Love, Babe

A Fort Myers, FL police officer has been suspended after letting two shoplifting suspects get it on in the back or his patrol car.

A Florida police officer has been suspended for allegedly playing Barry White while letting an arrested couple smoke and make-out in the back of his patrol car.

According to an internal affairs report released Friday, Fort Myers Police Officer Doug McNeal placed the couple in the back of his patrol car after they’d been charged with shoplifting in July.

Authorities said 23-year-old Zachery Moellendick and 24-year-old Krista Leigh were not placed in seat belts and that Moellendick was not in handcuffs and had a lighter and a cigarette.

Wow, great job, dumbass. So if the woman decided to light the man’s clothing on fire, would you turn down the music, you colossal f**king idiot?

What the hell kind of operation are they running in Fort Myers? Our department never allows men and women to be transported together, because that invites assaults, complaints, and worse.

An Easy Target

Meet Melissa Allen of Framingham, Massachusetts.

Melissa is what That 70’s Show’s Red Forman would call a dumbass. Why? Read on…

A homeless woman in Framingham attempted to shoplift more than $1,000 in products from a Target store filled with at least 50 police officers participating in their annual “Shop with a Cop” event Tuesday.

He estimated there were 50 to 75 officers from several towns roaming the store with children and families around 5:45 p.m. when the woman, Melissa E. Allen, 32, attempted to steal over $1,000 worth of merchandise from the store.

Allen had a large bin filled with items she tried to steal, including clothing, accessories, and home goods. The items were brought to a cash register and determined to be worth $1,105.40.

Allen figured since there were so many cops in the store, there wouldn’t be any around to arrest her.

Making Basketball Great Again

The three college basketball players who were detained in China after being accused of shoplifting from a Louis Vuitton store have been released, thanks in large part to the efforts of President Trump.

Three UCLA basketball players accused of shoplifting in China last week returned to Los Angeles on Tuesday.

The three were arrested last week while their team was in the city of Hangzhou ahead of the squad’s season opener in Shanghai. They were questioned on suspicion of stealing sunglasses from a Louis Vuitton store near their hotel.

Two things. First, why is there is a Louis Vuitton store in communist China? Second, what kind of mental defective shoplifts in a country where they sentence you to death for spitting on the sidewalk?

LiAngelo Ball, Cody Riley and Jalen Hill were allowed to leave after the situation was “resolved to the satisfaction of the Chinese authorities,” said Larry Scott, commissioner of the Pacific-12 athletic conference, of which UCLA is a member.

“We are grateful for the role that our Chinese hosts played, and for the courtesy and professionalism of the local authorities,” Scott said. “We also want to acknowledge UCLA’s significant efforts on behalf of their student-athletes.

“Finally, we want to thank the President, the White House and the US State Department for their efforts towards resolution.”

Personally, I think Mr. Scott should have thanked the president first, but whatever. The fact the president – a man most NBA players believe is an unapologetic racist – went out of his way to free these three men should speak volumes about Trump’s character. Sadly, he will receive little to no credit for the act, and these three clowns – as well as most NBA players – will be attacking Trump again on social media in a matter of days.